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#427978 - 03/13/13 11:01 PM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Sugarbaby,

The medical profession is an excellent resource. But most of us, children included, only have appointments maybe once a year.

I might have a readily available resource in the form of the schools. Beginning in the building the child attends, and the teachers and aids the child loves and treasures. TRAIN these people in the look fors and the necessary reactions when they do discover abuse has happened.

Help them understand that they may be the one safe place for disclosure. TRAIN them in what to do and say that will foster confidence for kids in sharing. The schools ARE the safe place for the majority of children of abuse and the schools are open every day...not by appointment only. This would help children from pre-school thru senior high. But it will require training for all.

After the age of 18, I really don't know. I didn't disclose the CSA until my early 30s. And I've never spoken of the ASA in the real world, other than therapy. Just too much shame and embarrassment associated with sexual assault for males.
_________________________
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#427984 - 03/13/13 11:36 PM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
SAD BUT TRUE: Both hubby & I are in CSA Recovery sooo I have asked 2 MD's, 1 PhD (not ours) several Teachers & several Social Workers if they have reached out to kids that may be suspected as abused. All said about the same thing "I fear doing that because I wouldn't know what to do if they say Yes and then they have a melt-down. We don't have a policy on THAT, besides I could lose my job". This just reinforces the NEED to start educating the educators, starting now. Yrs ago I had to sign-up for my kids to have a 1 day sexuality class; it was a joke. The FIRST education job is with the parants & we grandparents need to discuss this with our own kids who are now parents, I have. Remember, most of us were seen as vulnerable (my parents had just seperated) so all kids, M&F, need to KNOW someone is there for them, at all time. Most families have a fire escape plan - they also need an open honesty plan ! Only we can change the future......
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#427988 - 03/14/13 02:04 AM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Our daughter is an amazing teacher who works with special needs children now, and is currently doing her honours degree in deaf education. She did teach in a government school in a previously disadvantaged community before. In the short time that she has been a teacher, she has had numerous occasions where she felt children were in some sort of danger at home. I think her father's history has made her more observant. She has made it her personal goal to do whatever she can to assist children who are bullied.

Most urban schools here have a school counselor and any cases of this sort are handed over to this person, However, rural schools are at a point where simple things like desks, electricity, toilets, running water, over crowded classrooms are the challenges that they face. One wonders if they have the time or inclination to worry about possible abuse cases. Sadly, teachers also make up a great proportion of the sexual abuser's here, many teens are having babies fathered by teachers.

It makes us so proud that she in her own small way is making a difference.
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Rosemary

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South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#427992 - 03/14/13 03:11 AM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Good question, sugarbaby, and thank you for trying to do something constructive...

I started writing a reply, but I decided that it came across as far too angry, so I decided to not post it. I will try to write a more appropriate reply.

The story is basically that when I was little I didn't have the vocabulary to express what was happening. I just knew it hurt and I wanted it to stop. By the time I understood what he was doing, I also understood that it was my fault or that at the very least I should have stopped it. Later, when I decided to tell after all, I couldn't find anyone who was both willing to listen and had the power to help me. The only person who tried to help me was my friend's mother but there wasn't much she could do besides repeat my story to the same people who refused to listen to me.

I think was is needed, is education.

Education for little kids about what sexual abuse is, that it is wrong, that despite what the perp said, it isn't their fault, and what to do about it. It would have meant the world to me if someone explained my body's physical reaction to the abuse to me.

Education for teachers, doctors, even cops about sexual abuse, and particularly the fact that boys are abused too and need to be believed and treated with compassion.

Education for parents, teaching them how to recognise the signs and what to do about them.

Education to society in general - a bit like the campaigns that proclaim that a woman who wears a short skirt isn't asking to be raped. Society needs to understand that little boys aren't men who can defend themselves, and that even strong grown men can be overpowered, even by much smaller and weaker assailants.
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I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

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#428000 - 03/14/13 04:48 AM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
CG,

You are spot on, education is the key. I am sorry that the system was not there for you in your hour(s) of need. When my husband and I talk to people about what he is trying to do - make people aware of the abuse young boys suffer at the hands of adults, they are honestly shocked. They know it happens but are under the impression that it is just a few isolated cases. How wrong they are.
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Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#428016 - 03/14/13 09:53 AM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
[“If you kept your abuse a secret. What would have helped you to pursue treatment/seeking help at different developmental points?”]

I kept it a secret until I had a melt-down in my mid-30s – depressed, suicidal, non-functioning.

[“What would have helped:”]

Prior to age 10? NOTHING – I lived with my 1st abuser – step-dad – there was no escape, and mom was in total denial – willfully blind to everything. There was no help at school at that time. There were NO preventive or educational efforts beyond the “don’t take candy from strangers or get in their cars.”

from 10 - 15? NOTHING – nothing had changed at home – and still no help at school - and that was another scene of abuse – constant sexual bullying from jocks who were the golden boys of the sports coaches. it was too shameful and humiliating to tell anyone – and who was there to tell? It was obviously my fault - I deserved it - and there was no alternative. There were no safe places or people to go to. Even if there had been – I’d have been too afraid to chance it because it would have made things worse at home with the parents and at school with my peers.

from 15 - 20? MAYBE I could have reached out at that time – if I had known: that I wasn’t the only one – that it wasn’t my fault – and that there was hope to either stop it and keep me protected where I was – or get me out of there to a better situation.

from 20 - 30? SLIM CHANCE of any help – I’d repressed, denied and forgotten it all by then. I was OK and nothing was affecting me – get on with life and don’t go there.

from 30 - 40? THAT’S WHEN the TRIGGERS started and blew the dam wide open. i was rendered nearly catatonic by the memories. That’s when I first got help – i was led, nearly deaf, dumb and blind, to a therapist – to deal with the overwhelming deluge of garbage that I was drowning in. at that point I could no longer keep it a secret. It was finally safe to tell – whether there was hope or not.

Lee


Edited by traveler (03/14/13 10:30 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#428018 - 03/14/13 10:24 AM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
1-10

I know I could not have told anyone else it would have gone even worse for me. I could sustain what I was experiencing.

10-18

Here too, I was a hated figure of mayhem in my town. People leveraged that against me for their desire to test their own plumbing. I returned to the lead-perp from age 10-14 more than once per-week. Back then there was virtually zero understanding of that. Even I thought of that as FULLY my fault, and there would be no explaination nor excuse for it. It would have required suicide without question.

BUT

I often wished I could have been rescued from the home ultra-violence. His beatings were nothing short of a psychotic episode. I regularly thought I was going to die. For THAT reason, I wished for many miracles and certain (as in guaranteed) escape options that would have pulled me from that nightmare without question, without explaination, without haveing to deal with retarded cops and the very perp of violence.

If there would have been a big red button in town square, the schools, the mall...anywhere...I would have pushed it if it meant an emergency response would wave taken me away and fully insulated me without question (WITHOUT QUESTION). Once you push this button, we take you to a safe setting and find a new life.

Back then, in Massachusetts, life with the state employees, or the people they stick kids with meant more violence, starvation, rape, rape and more rape.

So...there was nothing to be done. Society would not support any such efforts.

...and BTW: if there were such a button today, I would push it...today.


Edited by Still (03/14/13 10:25 AM)
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#428057 - 03/14/13 06:44 PM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Simple
Parents that cared enough to notice that the once outgoing young boy became a recluse and never had any friends. Cared enough to talk to me and find out what was wrong, and told me that it was ok, that they loved me and wanted to fix things.s
MMM parents that were not so preocupied with their own lives and their own crap.
Fairly simple I would think

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#428058 - 03/14/13 06:45 PM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
This is a very interesting question, and one that I have pondered seriously for a long time. For me to have revealed that I was a victim, I first would have had to have an adult confidante with whom I would have felt safe revealing my secret. This could have been a doctor, a teacher, parent of a friend, friend of my parents or someone else. In order to for an adult have been a confidante, I would have needed to have an existing, healthy, secure relationship with that person. I'm not sure that anyone can train people to be mentors in that regard. That would just come from adults knowing that their interactions with kids can have powerful repercussions, both good and bad. It also means that the relationship has to be in place prior to any revelations.In addition, I would have had to believe that things like this do happen, the right thing to do is to tell, and I would have had to feel safe in telling. This is where education can be useful. Society needs to recognize that significant number of boys (1 in 6) are victimized. Teachers, doctors, coaches, and other adults who interact with kids need training in recognizing signs of abuse, and they need to be taught how to act if they suspect abuse, and what to do when they come across incidences of abuse. Kids also need to know what to do if they are victims. In school, kids are taught how to be safe in case of a fire ( stop-drop-roll) and they need to be taught what to do before any abuse takes place.
The critical piece of this puzzle is the actual revelation - what would have been necessary for me to tell. The worst thing to do is to sit down with a kid and ask questions - that is too much like an interrogation. It would be too easy to lie and deny everything. It would be easier to reveal being a victim if we were doing something else - playing catch, playing cards, washing a car - some activity where I felt that the mentor and I were working together towards a final goal. That would make it so much easier.
Finally, I would have wanted to hear these words - 1. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything to cause it. 2. We will make sure this will stop now and you will never be harmed again. 3. You are not gay. and 4. We love you, you are a good boy/man/person.

For me, it wouldn't even be necessary to know that the perp would be punished. Just that we will make sure you're safe from now on.

Dave

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#428060 - 03/14/13 07:08 PM Re: Question for the guys...... [Re: sugarbaby]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Davo and Sugar,

It is a great question and the responses are as well. All have some form of credence to them. With the utmost respect for your views, I would avoid attaching sexual orientation to any person as a possible cause of rape.

...."3. You are not gay."

I had no idea what sex was in a concrete way during the years of my CSA. And my sexual preference had nothing to do with the ASA rapes. Nothing. Thanks, I needed to share my thoughts on that.
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