I do not blame my parents--they were loving. Like all families we had our issues but they were there. The priest made me scared and I had fear I would be taken away. My father in years later asked after having coffee with his cronies and hearing one father speak of abuse in the church asked me. It happened one day when I was driving my father back from dialysis--out of nowhere he asked if I knew this family and he told me what the family learned years later after two of the sons lived very turbulent lives--alcohol, divorce and times of rescuing one son from possible suicide. They were altar boys and my father asked did anything happen to me. I was taken back and did not really answer. He just said, if I ever wanted to talk he was there. Sadly, when I began to face the abuse he had passed. And just three months ago when my Mom was passing and two aid said she kept saying months before her passing I need to help Kevin, some terrible things happened to him. I believe my father may have said something to her. I truly believe they did not believe or think I was being hurt when I was a child, I hid out of fear but I do believe in their last years they had fears and concerns they did not see what happened. My Mom was non responsive for 13 days without food and I finally told her the night before she passed that she could go, I would be alright I have wonderful support (and you all are part of it) and I was in support groups and therapy. The next morning after fighting she passed. So I do not blame my parents--they were there--good and bad times. The abuser groomed me to hide what was happening.

this thread reminded me of another one that goes back a while about the obvious signs and symptoms of abuse, called "What did your people miss?":

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...9375#Post379375

... just in case anyone is in doubt about whether there was really enough for anyone observing to notice!

btw - i was actually taken to our family doctor for some of those conditions - but at the time - NO ONE knew anything about this stuff. AND the doctor was a personal friend of the step-dad's going way back. so - no hope for any help there either.

lee

I don´t blame them, but it wouldve been good if i had been able to disclose it earlier on.. or if they´d figured it out somehow. They´re good support now and i know they´re trying to help me the best way they can..

.

Jacob,

Hi There!!


My parents maintain to this day that they knew nothing was wrong, and that they did nothing wrong.

I was groomed for it. I was displaying marked subservient self deprecating traits that were markedly different from other kids as early as first grade. I had Aspergers Syndrome but didn't know it until much later in life. I still remember the desperate need for attention & love that was never really met.

My father ignored me. My mother blamed me. Some highlights of my life with family:

extreme control (dominated, loss of self identity)
PTSD, Nightmares,
Dissociation PRIOR TO SEX ABUSE,
shamed and beaten,
pulled out of shower and humiliated and beaten,
violations of personal space,
humiliated over bodily functions,
beaten for getting sick,
face forced into pile of dog excrement,
hid in closets and prayed to God not to be found only to be discovered and beat while begging to not be hit, which made it that much more severe,

Before I was ever a victim of sex abuse I was a victim of abuse,

After that I was introduced into incest, raped by age 8, molested outside the family at age 13, and blamed for it all by my family by age 17.

I FINALLY got to the point where I realized that they didn't need to admit to anything for me to know I wasn't at fault anymore.

Facts:
Nothing they can say or do will change the past.
They are unwilling to revisit it and have me rant about it.
They still have the capacity to hurt me if I allow it.
They really don't benefit from me letting it go, but I BENEFIT from letting it go because I no longer feel as If I have to fight for their approval or right a terrible injustice that cannot be undone.

Years of therapy taught (and teach) me that my life had and has value and there is no explanation for my pain and humiliation that will ever make sense. Hating them is costly, when I realized that it was stopping me from living I decided to let it go and asked how.

It takes time bro, and it takes looking at how you feel and what will make you feel better. Pay attention in Therapy to things you can change, points of view, your self esteem, your frozen shame, your deeply internalized pain.

I am far from perfect, and am no role model, but I do feel better since I decided that I couldn't change them. I could only change me.

Love Geoffrey

I am glad they are there for you now. I wish mine were here--because I know they would be here for me. Their questions and actions tell me they wanted and still want the best for me.

Sorry they're not here anymore m8!

Jeah its nice to have backup when you need it. but i'm starting to think i might have some issues with my dad too.. still trying to prove myself to him in some way.. i might as well work on that too! But all at the right time i hope..