(((Jay)))

((Pero))

I have a general therapist at my university who I see on occasion, but have been on a awaiting list since November to see a pyschiatrist to be assessed for any established diagnosis (i.e. for sure PTSD, Depression, Anxiety etc). I also really want to see therapists with advice on CSA. I have a mens' support hotline as well as a book "Victims No Longer"... I need to run out of my trans/flashbacks, and take hold of the resources at my disposal. I am just so afraid of being judged, or I keep feeling like I will get in some kind of trouble... it is so irrational, but can seem so real.

Later on today, I met with a friend and he had a tea with me for a few hours and we talked and hugged. It helped tremendously.

HUGS once more to you both: Australia and South-East Europe.

Why do I feel so frightened?

It is great that you are trying to protect yourself. Concerning how you are feeling could you do something to push for meeting with psychiatrist and see what are prospects for starting therapy?
Articles, books and this site are terrible good and helpful but sometimes it could be that those are not enough in healing trauma.
As I can remember you were raped by two men and you are seeing those abusive persons on daily basis in campus, that could be more than enough for many problems

(((Jay)))

Hey I can try again. I want to at least see my Campus therapist again soon. I haven't felt this traumatised in at least a month. It's weird, I feel like when I first came to terms with my Abuse 1.5 years ago, I felt so guilty and was so afraid I would get in some kind of trouble and convinced myself that I was a bad person. That largely subsided, but the retraumatisation continued to occur through Flashbacks, seeing the Men who raped me in person or through triggers such as seeing a News story about CSA or stumbling upon Porn which is really triggering among normal sites- it's like those countless Men are following me, and I feel that as long as CSA still exists, and especially is on the Internet (as I was used weekly in Child Porn for 6 years), I am never safe. I hate knowing that some of the original porn that those Men sent me still exists. That just tears my universe apart.

I went out with my Friends on Thursday Night and one of my abusers was there. I told them who he was, and they became really upset. One of my Friends wanted to Punch the Guy but I didn't want to make a scene. I almost started crying in the Bar because he kept coming our way and looking at me

Oh Jay, man that is terrible
Please try to avoid situation that could be unsafe for you.
It is good if you have your friends around.
(((Jay)))

Hey Jay

I'm with Pero on this one too. You have to be careful. I am glad you had your friends around you. Sounds like they are good guys. There is safety in numbers.

Hang in there man. And please try not to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

Lee