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#427960 - 03/13/13 08:43 PM the boy with the sad eyes
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Here I go again. Another bad night. I have so many thoughts and so much baggage I can't focus on an event or a time or a person from the abusive past. I have been having terrible flashbacks of memories not forgotten but buried so long ago. And damn they hurt. I have this fear that to speak of them is to give them this power over me, to bring them back to life sort of thing. I don't know how to get them back in the place where they where. And they make me beyond sad and beyond remorseful and sick to my inner core. And I wonder as we all do how life for a little kid can be so terribly ugly.... why didn't someone watch over us? Over me?

I followed a link from another forum today and read of this man's story at age 7. His story sounded all too familiar, but what triggered me and broke my heart was the photo of him at age 7. I was immediately drawn to the little boy's dark eyes. There was an overwhelming sense of sadness and it showed. The only pic I have of my school years is of me around 6. Its a tiny little one, but I framed it a few years ago. I look at it at times and when I do, I always see the sadness in his (me) eyes. When I looked at the author's childhood picture today, it was like looking at my picture. And i crumbled emotionally.

So, anyway, I say all that to just say, a photo I saw today triggered something inside me that I am having a hard time untriggering tonight. And if I could reach that little boy of me, I would pull him out of that mess and just protect and hug him. I would just hug him.

When I first started using MS to move beyond the assaults, I asked how could I protect the little me, the inner child me, when I couldn't even protect the adult me from assault. Tonight I can tell you how I would. The little guy me with those sad eyes would be in my arms and the big guy me would f*** up anyone who showed a tendency .... this is my ramble tonight.....angels, men.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#427987 - 03/14/13 12:42 AM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
yeah...

hard to go through that. but i like the conclusion you reached at the end:

***And if I could reach that little boy of me, I would pull him out of that mess and just protect and hug him. I would just hug him. . . . The little guy me with those sad eyes would be in my arms and the big guy me would f*** up anyone who showed a tendency.***

this - the painful feelings at the beginning of your post - is why i have diligently avoided looking at childhood pictures for many years. i don't even have a photo of myself in my present home that is earlier than age 21. it used to be that i didn't know why i didn't want to see them - but something made me uneasy and uncomfortable. and once i remembered what was happening back then, i just couldn't look at them at all. i was afraid that - even though they didn't show what was going on under the surface appearance - i would connect with that - and remember and know and feel it all.

then a couple months ago i suddenly needed to see what i looked like as a child to verify if i was really as ugly and unacceptable and unlovable and contemptible as i felt. i searched desperately, almost obsessively for pictures online that resembled what i remembered. i could only find a couple - but it was surprising to me that i now felt like i had been better than i remembered and better than i felt and better than i was treated. i know where to find real photos of myself - at my brother's place in the U.S. with lots of stuff from our mom's house. i intend to look for them this summer. it should be quite a trip. i hope i can embrace my younger self with the kind of love and empathy and protective strength that you have.

Lee


Edited by traveler (03/14/13 12:44 AM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#427995 - 03/14/13 04:19 AM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Near the end of last year, I discovered that I had no photos of myself from the period during which I was abused (4-16). I went on a quest to find some, and finally found some photos in an old school yearbook. Like you, I was immediately drawn to that young boy's (my) eyes. They were dark and sad... I was clearly trying to obey the photographer's command to "smile", but ended up with a grimace that only served to underline the sadness in my eyes... I saw something else, too - those were not the eyes of a dirty little faggot, or of a teenage delinquent. It was the eyes of a boy who was desperate for love and for someone to show him how to cope with what life was throwing at him...

I still can't look at those pictures without breaking down.

Those picture make me angry, too. No - angry isn't nearly a strong enough word. Enraged. Livid. The pain and suffering in those eyes are so obvious, how could it be that no one saw? Why did no one ever notice that I was living in hell? Would it really have been so hard to just ask me what was wrong?

Basically what I'm trying to say is this - I get it. I understand your anger and your desire to protect that young boy. I, too, wish I could travel back in time and take him in my eyes and fuck up anyone who dares to touch him...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#428023 - 03/14/13 10:41 AM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
why didn't someone watch over us? Over me?


Yup: I had no one. Virtually NOT one person. The closest ever was my Grandmothers visits. At least I would not be beaten at home when she was visiting.

I knew God was there and he would at least take me home when I died (when I was little). When I got older (like 10-14) I thought he frowned upon my compliance and skillful pleasuring of the cruel ones.

Eventually, the lead-perp became the closest person to a protector, big-brother and hero to me.

Yeah...really phucked-up beyond all things, great and small.
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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#428050 - 03/14/13 05:05 PM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I hear all of you and I think for me I am truly beginning to get it. I cant put it into words just yet, but I will one day. "Its acomin !".

For the first time in my life, I let my mind wrap my arms around him- the little me- last night and I-the big me- held him tight. I carried him all day today. I took him with me to the T session today and to be honest, I cried for a solid hour. I would speak and I would cry. I told the T the earliest of the abuses and I cried. I told the T of the earliest of the group abuses, and I cried. I told the T where the compulsion to wash my hands began, and I cried. And heck, thats only ages 4 to 8!

I told her of the simple fact of the butterflies and how they would land on the arm of little me- and did so until just a few years ago. Just imagine a 4 or 5 year old little boy walking down a country lane with the hills and the fields and the woods on either side. (I was always by myself "cloud watching" as I grew up- but thats okay now.)

While pausing he lifts up his arms and the butterflies simply land and rest for a moment. That little guy is me. It is a memory that I cherish and it wasn't a rare occurrence. Little me is precious and sweet and yes, he has a slightly different spirit. He even runs and skips and sings to hmself. But he is me and I must spend some time grieving for him. I am so sorry he was lost along the way.

But here I am, the big me. And I look at the photos other take of me, and I still see the same dark sad eyes. Maybe it will always be. But I guarantee Ill work like hell to watch over little me...bless his heart. And bless all of you as well. God, I sound like an old school marm' from the 20's.... Angels, men.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#428083 - 03/14/13 10:20 PM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
good for you, T-Man!
i am sure this is a valuable step for you.
keep that little guy safe.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#428084 - 03/14/13 10:25 PM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
There is nothing better we could have heard from you tonight!
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#428091 - 03/14/13 11:17 PM Re: the boy with the sad eyes [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Bill,

That's beautiful... I am so happy for you that you can reconnect with your purer, innocent self... that his pain is validated and you can start to purge some of the lingering bad feelings. You'll always know how good you were and will always be able to keep that part with you.

*hug*

Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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