Hey Jay, how are you now?
I hope you are feeling a little bit better?
Re-traumatizing sometimes brings some unwanted effects and can make us fragile and vulnerable.
Please look how to protect yourself and to find some positive and safe place that will boost your confidence.
Don't be afraid, you are not alone as long as you are here with us.
Here is my warmest hug for you

(((JayBro)))

Thank you so much Pero ((Pero)) I have been contacting some of my friends to see if any would like to connect and let me talk to them. I need to develop more effective strategies of taking care of myself and not letting myself be re-traumatised. Sometimes it culminates after several sessions and becomes rather serious. This needs to end, but what is difficult, is to rationalise something that is without logic to the conscious mind.
Thank you once again

I am still really scared and shakey... I need to leave the house and go to campus, but I am too afraid to

Hey Jay, I didn't know that is so difficult there.
Take it easy buddy.
IS there some way that you could calm down and relax?
Have you had some similar experience before, was there something that helped you?

Everything is alright! You are not alone!

just now I spoke to my dad on the phone, and I also made plans with another friend to meet on campus for coffee soon, so I think that that may help

I am still really shakey and scared, as well as feeling dread and guilt which I cannot explain. I am in the campus library, waiting for my friends and waiting for some insight/help on here ;(

Hang on buddy, I'm sure you'll feel better when your friends will show.

Is it possible for you to talk with someone who is expert?
Is there available someone for talk for students in campus maybe?

JayBro

I don't know if this helps...but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have at times made myself watch gay porn and MB even though I was not 'in the mood'. Reliving the abuse - even through literotica. It is a habit. The thing is it can be like an addiction and you just NEED to get a fix. There is science involved ..... something about the habit causing neural pathways in our brain.... similar to heroin addiction.

We go down a certain path...to get the physical 'high' from the end result of MBing....even though it may not necessarily feel enjoyable. Our bodies/minds have been conditioned to respond to a certain type of stimuli. That doesn't mean we like it or that it is healthy. It just is.

I'll try to find more on that for you.

Hang in there man - it sounds like you are experiencing some major anxiety.

Lee

Thank you both very much! I certainly do feel like this is very much like an addiction or sometimes tied to my PTSD. My mind even blanks out and I can't remember what just happened, or something I will find unintentionally will really disturb me and then make me feel so guilty and angry at once. It's like I keep wanting to numb myself to it? Or I feel like I am both abusing and being abused by/to myself, and my face goes blank. I think of my ejaculate as my tears from my feelings, and the blood from my inner wounds.

It is important to try to ground self, to stay present to moment.
Please look how to avoid re-traumatization
And after you'll feel better you have to look for some help?