Today’s session with my T was really different. It was no big deal. I didn’t have that much to talk about. We even ended early. I was almost disappointed. As we were winding up, I commented that it was a weird feeling – almost like I was missing all the old drama and emotional roller-coaster. The lows were horrendous, but the highs almost made up for it. and I think I got sort of addicted to the adrenaline rush of all the intense feelings. Now that the supply of newly discovered old memories has slowed to a trickle, there is not nearly as much excitement in my life. (crazy, i know!) I realized that nearly everything we talked about today was concerning external problems, stresses and situations – not my own deep inner issues from CSA and other varieties of abuse. Not that there is no seepage across the boundaries – but that was not the primary focus of the difficulties I’m dealing with right now. he said that maybe this is a good change – that it might be what “most people” experience. Neither of us said the “N” word – but I knew what he meant. Afterwards I thought – this was a BIG event – simply because there was nothing BIG going on.
There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. - Hamlet, Act 5, sc 2