I'm new here and very pleased to find resources for male survivors.
My short story...
A 15-year-old boy in my neighborhood decided to sexual abuse me when I was about 7. There were 2-3 times that I remember. I even invited him to spend the night and my parents let him.
It came to end when he decided to try to get me to ask a friend to join us. My friend Andy was shocked at the idea and told his Mom, who told me to tell my Mom. I didn't tell her for 15 years.
When I was 13 I tried to have sex with my 13-year-old girlfriend, but she wouldn't do it. After several unsuccessful attempts with her and another girl (they being unwilling), I gave up on it for a couple of years.
My Mom and Dad got a divorce when I was 15. My Dad got remarried within a year and that's when I met Wanda -- my Stepmom's sister. Wanda was very interested in having sex and so was I, that is until I discovered that I was impotent. Her reaction to the situation was to tell my friends that I couldn't get it up. Thanx a lot!
Well, it took me another 7 years to find someone that I could trust enough to have a sexual relationship. I married her... bad idea. Marriage didn't work out so good. Maybe it had something to do with my anger, distrust, alcoholism, drug use and lack of intimacy?!
After that, I spent many years in complete denial. I went through a year of successful sexual relationships, but no real intimacy. Attempted suicide (no really, I mean tried to kill myself -- not just looking for attention).
Three years later I met a stripper in a bar and decided that I had to marry her. She has 3 kids and some issues of her own. Well, I won her over and then verbally abused her for several years.
Tried God, marriage, job success, self-motivation, counseling, drugs, alcohol, pornography, talking it out and self-help books -- none of it worked.
So, here I am now. Sitting in Apt., by myself after separating with my 2nd wife and looking at my life.
There's just one common element to all this -- ME!
You know, I really had myself convinced that divorcing my wife and getting a way from all her problems would solve mine. I know this sounds kinda stupid, but I mean to tell you that she had problems of her own. Her first memory was being sexual abused. Her sexual abuse is the worst case I've ever know of, except that she is still alive, and dealing with it and moving on. In fact, I admire her more than anyone I know -- because she is on the other side of recovery.
Well, here I am... and I have decided that running away from things isn't going to make my life better. No matter where I go, there I am.
I'm here to deal with me. I hope that this place can help. Anyway, it feels good just getting this out.
Anyone have any thoughts about all this?