I had to pull into a McDonald's parking lot, just to post this, since I could not remember my password to access through my phone.

After not so bad in the past few weeks, today was a disaster. I felt utterly hopeless today. Although it was not directly related to the reasons that brought me here to MS, I think the result it has had on my self esteem is number one. I pardon any spelling or confusion this post may appear, as to feel any sense of control I purchased a six pack and drank in my car. Bad idea, I know, but I needed to feel like I could be in control of SOMETHING!

Some days, I fear I will never get back to a normal life. I don't understand why it can be so difficult to make a life change, one that is desperately needed to move forward, to feel happy again. The last thing I needed was to spend precious last funds on alcohol, but I needed to do something to make me feel in control, to perk up my mood. It sucks feeling this way, feeling worthless, like no matter what you do, you can never get a normal, life like everyone else, something that seems to be normal, rather easy to most of the population. I'm tired of being poor, I'm tired of simple things seeming so much more difficult for me as compared to everyone else. I hate that I cannot meet basic requirements to function as a normal human being, and that is doesn't take much much money to get me to where I need to be...but that comes as such a challenge.

My worthless self esteem gets even lower when I find simple life tasks as such a challenge.

Hi gottymeguy,
hang on buddy. It is difficult many times, but be aware that you are not alone.
Destructive happening as abuse leaves hole in us and no matter what we were doing it seems like some empty space always staying in our hearts.
Sometimes it looks like that hole has powerful gravity force enfolding everything around us so we can't see clearly. Like only some negative things are happening to us, everything is blurred and it seems like we easily lose direction.
It is no wonder that is so difficult to change perspective and to fight such negative self image.

Please keep fighting for yourself, you are trying your best and I'm sure you'll find your way under the Sun.
Sending hugs!

((((gottymeguy))))

gottymeguy,

The feelings you are describing here are familiar to many of us. I spent many years using alcohol, drugs, and sex to numb myself to the feelings of self-hatred, anger, fear, and shame. It didn't work well for me. I'm sober now in all respects, but still have to deal with all those feelings. It just took me 42 years to get to this point. Alot of wasted time, broken relationships, and failed careers, along the way.

My suggestion, stay away from the beer and whatever else you might be using, and get some help working through this crap. If you already have a therapist and he/she's not helping enough, fire him/her and get a different one. Don't let anything stand in your way. Recovery IS possible. We never get over "it", but we can learn to live with it and still be able to have a meaningful life with some happiness in it.....just like normal people. Don't settle for anything less.

Jude

Thanks guys for your supportive words. It seems that when it feels like I am unable to take care of myself that it just ruins any confidence you have as a person. Sadly it doesn't take all that much for me to feel that I would be moving forward and rebuilding a life, but I cannot even seem to be able to figure out how to accomplish that.