Thank you both very much! I certainly do feel like this is very much like an addiction or sometimes tied to my PTSD. My mind even blanks out and I can't remember what just happened, or something I will find unintentionally will really disturb me and then make me feel so guilty and angry at once. It's like I keep wanting to numb myself to it? Or I feel like I am both abusing and being abused by/to myself, and my face goes blank. I think of my ejaculate as my tears from my feelings, and the blood from my inner wounds.
H.U.G.S.- Helping Us Grow Spiritually