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#427819 - 03/12/13 12:23 AM I have a few questions for God
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
now that I am in the forum on Spirituality, I need to make a short confession. I miss God.

And I am nearing the season when I was widowed. I always thought I was good as a man, but in the back of my mind the CSA left me thinking I was still a used, vile little creature. I really did privately think that. But on the outside appearance, I thought I was good and that God loved me. Anyway, when I finally turned my control with the spouse's cancer over to God, on the dawn of the very next morning I was so privileged to see the Angels I have told you guys of. I shall never forget them.

And time passed. And I became a different me for whatever reason. Doing the things the "good" me would never have done and being with people the "good" me would never have been with. And then the unforgivable occurred and it feels as if my spirit has been ripped away. Thats when the ASA happened.

I don't ask, "Why, God?" with any of the events of my life. I honestly don't. But now to add to the sorrow and the inner disgust I have of being victim/survivor of rape- CSA and ASA- I am finding that I miss God.

As soon as I wrote the "Why, God?" comment above the questions started. If I may, this is what I want to know. And I don't think I will be either funny or sarcastic tonight.

Me: Dear God, in all humbleness and gratitude for the things thereof, I do ask tonight, why me? What was so special about my person that others were permitted to so defile my being at 4? Was it so that 50 years into the future, I could sit in the dark, alone and cry? Why, Father, would those who were supposed to love me hurt me? Why was I alone, God? And, God, when I was raped at 14, what plans for my future were being made? And why didn't you make them stop?

God: He is listening

Me: My married life was a good life, as it should be, God. Thank you for that. But it ended too soon. Why, God? Was it so I could be abused again? Raped again? This I just don't understand and I am so very very tired of being optimistic. And tired of trying to be good. I have tried my whole life to be perfect and it just doesn't work...and God, I'm pissed. I was raped, Father. I was raped and I cried out and no one heard me. The silence is deafening. I know Angels surround me, I have seen them. I usually have that peace deep within, but God, its seems fleeting lately. Why?

Me again: Am I so dirty and disgusting that even You turn away?

i have been maybe a bit dramatic and i sincerely hope not to have offended anyone. Its just that what was is no more and I miss it. And maybe in heaven- or the spiritual realm- there's no place for me. Seems it always like that. On earth, on line, in heaven........"Hey, dude. You might could maybe be over there...".

And I don't worry too much about questioning God tonight. Sarah actually laughed out loud when the Angels came to her and she questioned God.

Angels over all.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#427833 - 03/12/13 05:30 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3511
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i hear you, Man!

i have a list of questions for God, too. some of ours are quite similar.

something that spoke to me recently - i found in the novel, "Cry the Beloved Country" by Alan Paton - that i am teaching one of my English classes. one character has just experienced terrible loss and grief and is reeling emotionally and spiritually. a friend says to him, “I have never thought that a Christian would be free of suffering… For our Lord suffered. And I come to believe that he suffered, not to save us from suffering, but to teach us how to bear suffering. For he knew that there is no life without suffering.”

that was a good reminder to me of a realization i had a few months ago. i was trying to reconcile the concept of God's love with the fact of human/personal suffering - when it hit me - Jesus suffered too - and certainly God loved him more than anyone. so why do i expect to be exempt? i wrote a post about it if you are interested:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7942#Post397942

i hope you'll keep on posting here. we need a bit more activity in this area.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#427843 - 03/12/13 09:43 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
God: silent
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#427970 - 03/13/13 10:06 PM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
I say "why me" too. But not just why the abuse, but why did I survive and so many didn't? Why does God seem to answer stupid prayers about cars that won't start and at the same time children die?
_________________________


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#428711 - 03/22/13 02:55 PM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I said why me. Doubted God. Last night I spoke for the first time in public to a boys ranch. 8 turned their life to Christ and 1 turned a knife in. The Lord has plans for us all. God bless y'all and I have realized and accepted that there are some things that I won't know until I get to heaven
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#428793 - 03/23/13 03:52 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
It has been helpful to me to take God out of the equation. Assuming God won't give me an answer is a much more effective predictive model than assuming he will.


Edited by Jacob S (03/23/13 04:51 PM)
_________________________


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#428816 - 03/23/13 10:34 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Gentlemen, fellow survivors,

Please be aware of the way in which we perceive the comments of others.
Originally Posted By: MaleSurvivor Guidelines
PLEASE AVOID OVER REACTIONS TO BEING TRIGGERED

Please be mindful of the fact that when we react to something it is often due to being triggered into a memory of our own abuse and has little to do with what someone is posting. PLEASE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND STEP BACK TO CHECK THAT OUT. Send a PM to a mod or the site administrator and get someone else's take on the issue before posting your own "feeling" response to the post that triggered you then write your response with "I" statements and without saying "YOU".... If you see yourself attacking, you're reacting! Survivors come from all nationalities, faiths, sexual orientations and racial groups. Respect and compassion must be the cornerstone of how we respond to one another.

While we encourage healthy interactions involving strong opinions, direct and negative confrontations will be monitored and removed as they conflict with the safe, healing environment of MaleSurvivor.

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#429166 - 03/26/13 10:28 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
ThisMan,
I can relate to you in so many ways bro.
You said "Am I so dirty". I thought this for so long. I did until I hit my knees in my kitchen while I was drunk and totally surrendered to The Lord. Then He took all the feelings of dirtiness and filth away. I turned to the instruction manual (the bible) and He began showing me so much info. It is a daily decision for me to submit to The Lord. I have never felt so loved and in control of my life. I have a Christian therapist and we are doing EMDR and The Lord has helped me in the process. Just know that you are not alone bro. Wishing you the best.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#429247 - 03/27/13 12:37 AM Re: I have a few questions for God [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Lee, J, and Country- I appreciate all you say. I say God is silent, but upon contemplation, has He been showering me with special gifts the past two weeks? Gifts meant to help me move forward ?

Remember a post I made last week regarding the inner child- little me? And how that little me hung around for the evening and into the night. I remember expressing how wonderful it felt after all these years to experience such a calming joy...even if just for a brief period in time. It was truly a spiritual experience. A Gift.

And tonight when I had written the first draft of my letter to my "good cousin", I reread it. From the distant past I rediscovered (with detail) one with such a good, kind spirit who influences my life even today. My cousin became real again. He actually did exist at one point and he loved me. He loved me. I was permitted to pull this relationship from the past, bring it forward, embrace it, and begin to grieve for the loss of it. It is a spiritual experience. A Gift.

This is not happening over night. It is long and it is painful, but it is happening. I am moving into a different realm, stage, whatever it is with the healing. I dearly believe I am being watched over, but I have always felt that. I still cry out, I am still afraid, and I am still alone. I still drink too much, and act out inappropriately, But I am also witnessing the unfolding of a specialness about my life, even as I sort through the rubble and the damage done. Tonight I consider that to be good. It is a gift.

And I know I sound like a confused man, but guess what? I am. I don't know how else to describe it other than in a generalized, spiritual way. When I feel progress made, it comes in a "spiritualized manner". I don't want to put a cloak on it, I don't want to put it in a box of any sort, because then it becomes something else to me. I don't even want to over-analyze it. I prefer to let it evolve as I am evolving. And maybe God is listening.

And what about tomorrow ? ... well, there is always tomorrow.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#432600 - 04/27/13 12:26 AM " [Re: ThisMan]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 02:15 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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