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#427727 - 03/11/13 06:19 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 07:58 PM)

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#427729 - 03/11/13 06:55 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
I have been struggling with this too. Encounters with people in person and viewing of porn which reminds me of the abuse... In both cases, it is physically and emotionally painful, sometimes leading to a numbness, or it happens, and in my rage of awful and afraid feelings, it leads to memory blanks, where I cannot recall what just happened. I just posted about this 40 minutes ago actually. Sometimes I role play my abuse but in anon chat rooms. I felt too like I would be scolded, but maybe we are our own worst critics and bullies--- after all, you and I are the ones putting ourselves through reliving of the abuse.

You are not a hypocrite though. Re-living the abuse is such a common trait among us survivors....
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427731 - 03/11/13 06:59 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3608
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey LAD,
you know drive force to act out is much more complex I would say and probably has more layers in it than just looking for memories.
We all are doing it while we are not sure for all reasons: is it some kind search for some memories, or emotions and feelings... in any case there is more in it and somethings are hidden from our rational part of mind and we don't have full insight.
And how you wrote that you felt empty and not felt much actually I would say that exactly the same many survivors felt during such compulsive activities.
As I've said source of such obsession is hidden and out of reach from our rational part of mind, that is reason why is compulsive.
I guess part of answer is placed always somewhere in severity of trauma and hurtful feelings and scars that are left after traumatic experience as abuse is.
Please look further and search for your answer with maybe adding triggering warning sign for similar posts...

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427734 - 03/11/13 08:10 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: JayBro
viewing of porn that reminds me of the abuse


TRIGGERS

My "favorite" type of porn, or at least the variety I'm most drawn to, is of the precise act that I was subjected to. You can read the link below for that. Even knowing, I still find it... both hot and somewhat hypnotic. The more brutally violent and degrading, the better, I can watch and "use" it for hours. I've certainly done my fair share of doing it to women, it's probably my favorite part - though obviously without brutal violence then. The audio-visuals are pretty similar even without it.

But when I think - REALLY think - of the associated noises, facial expressions, and fluidic depositional results actually being associated with myself as a kid... it makes me want to curl up and die.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427745 - 03/11/13 12:14 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
I'm in a different boat...I look to act out night after night and except for two occassions over the years I completely chicken out then the next night it's back on the computer chatting etc etc...

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#427748 - 03/11/13 01:16 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I recreated abuse through roleplaying with a stranger again tonight. I've done it a bunch of times. Does that make me a fake? A phony like people on here have talked about? Because I don't remember anything, and even letting the guy pretend again tonight he was molesting me didn't jog my memory. As usual, with ALL of these encounters, I felt nothing. Not even when orgasming. Completely numb and empty orgasm. Shouldn't that have jogged my memory? As it always is, completely pleasureless sexual pleasure. I know that sounds like a contradiction. But I feel nothing but empty during it. Wouldn't a real survivor feel something? Even a little? If something really happened to me? Why am I so obsessed with knowing what it feels/felt like? I feel like I shouldn't come here anymore for that very reason.


I know I was abused. I have a couple of memories around the abuse. I never thought that the CSA was that big an issue for me. I don't have any flashbacks. When triggered it is emotion but I can't connect them to the CSA. Nothing direct. Nothing connected with sex. (so far) I consider myself lucky in this. But I am a real survivor.

I don't need to feel the abuse to know that I am not whole. And I don't believe I need to know it in order to end up where I want to be. I have not started any therapy yet. (trying to get it scheduled) But the discussions that I had with a therapist is that they consider the past but try and focus on the future and what your goal is. And that sounds great for me.

Things started getting really bad for me starting about two years ago. Stresses that brought up a whole lot of shit. My head was messed up. Just over half a year ago I came here. It was hard but it also was helpful. I don't know how much it did for me. But I don't care. I am where I am today and it is not in the dark place I was in before. I don't know how I came out of it, or what had helped me. All I care about is that I am moving forward. I have no desire to dig through my past if I don't need to. I wish more guys here would be spared the pain of thier memories.

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#427750 - 03/11/13 01:52 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Hey Candu!! What you wrote was really inspirational. I too feel like I have left the "dark place" where I was, and I do anticipate that recovery and continuing my life as a survivor will be plagued with many ups and downs. Right now, since being triggered last night/this morning, I am in a low, but I am hoping things will pick up. I really, really wish I could move beyond reliving the abuse and having anything sexual be such a trigger for me.... it is such a constant reminder and is very scary. You are absolutely right when you write that we need to move on, and focus on our present as well as our future and not be re-victimised by our past.

I am so scared right now and shakey, feeling really cold. I hope I see a friend soon.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427755 - 03/11/13 02:32 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:41 PM)

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#427757 - 03/11/13 03:07 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:42 PM)

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#427761 - 03/11/13 05:08 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:30 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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