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#427784 - 03/11/13 09:16 PM The One Thing
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
I was wondering if anyone else had this. The ‘one thing’, the one passion, the one thing that matters in their lives. I guess some can think of people if they’re lucky enough to have had developed such a relationship, but what I’m talking about here is a non-human-related passion. I remember a few years back, I think it was one of the first episodes of House (geez those first few seasons were so much better) - anyway, in the episode there was this black trumpet player who gets sick, and he talks to House about how he and him have got this 'one thing' and that they'd be nothing without it.

I've tried to connect, to reach out to people, to get help and to help others, but sadly, it's never satisfied me. I never get as much satisfaction as what I get from this 'one thing' - which for me is music. MUSIC! Instrumental music at that, without any lyrics – which further distances me from the rest of the world. I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way about a certain passion they have. I can't trust anyone as much as I can trust music. It never hurts me, it never leaves me, it's always there when I need it. Even if I ignore it and try to get rid of it, it forgives me and receives me back with the same openness. I've tried friendships and even (disastrous) relationships, they just don't do it for me. I guess the conclusion I'm coming to is that maybe the things that being one with this 'one thing' - a symbiosis if you will - requires sacrificing/giving up all the things I've hoped for in human relationships, like love, understanding, etc. And slowly it’s seeming like it’s a sacrifice I don’t mind taking. The more I retreat to my music, the further I get from everyday things, and I just can't relate to people - like they're mutually exclusive. The funny thing is that it DOES actually help me heal, retreating into it and distancing myself from human relationships, on the contrary of what most psychology books and psychologists say.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#427790 - 03/11/13 09:31 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
I love music as well, I don't know if I'd call it my "one thing", but it is something I retreat to often, it speaks to me what I want to hear.

Funny thing is though husky, music is human. Music is the sounds used like a medium with emotions put into it and as art it's main purpose is to evoke an emotional response. I don't think you can exclude them from one another, they co-exist, for without humanity music could not exist, music is like a recording of a person's emotions. I am very passionate about music, and for me, I think quite the opposite it brings me closer to humanity, closer to people. But that's just my interpretation.

I just worry about you isolating, we are social beings, we need some sort of interaction with each other. I believe to an extent isolation can help you, some people are introverts and need time away from people, but I wouldn't want for you to fully isolate yourself.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#427807 - 03/11/13 11:12 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
Lancer Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Excellent thread husky! Hope it turns into a long one.

I glommed on instrumental music (acoustic) from the time I was a young teen, just before the CSA. I found it helped me shut out the abuse at home. Though I knew nothing about music, I became attuned to it, being able to pick out instruments, their placement, etc. And it helped me when I dabbled in studio engineering for a while at a prominent music school (jazz) and a Miami studio. And I still couldn't read a chart to save my life! To this day, those recordings fill me up.

The other thing was commercial aviation. It was because I had to fly to visit Dad. He and his second wife were my moments of sanity. Together with photography - which Dad continually encouraged - it became part of my career which I still enjoy today.



imo, screw the outside judgments if it feeds your soul. For me, the relationships with like-minded people take care of themselves.

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#427808 - 03/11/13 11:25 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 334
Loc: Iowa, USA
Hey
I am very lucky enough to have one "THING" and that is the sport of swimming. It is the thing that matters to me most. It is where I feel most at home. When I am swimming, I feel one with the universe. In the water, no one can see you cry. Since no one can touch you in the water, no one can abuse you either. I don't have to feel a disconnect with other people because each of us is in our own world. When I don't swim, I get out of sorts and uncomfortable in my own skin. I am fortunate to meld my passion with my vocation. I am able to live swimming on a daily basis. I never feel like I am working. I feel I am just living my passion. I should never be a coach because I don't really get along with people. However, because it's swimming, it can make up for a lot of problems.
DavoSwim

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#427812 - 03/11/13 11:44 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
"The Peaceable Kingdom" is a book John Sedgwick wrote about spending a year observing the animals in the Philadelphia Zoo. His previous book had been devoted to the self-indulgence and druggedness of wealthy socialites and it had depressed him. Of his animal assignment, Sedgwick said: "I wished to be refreshed by their calmness and simplicity."

I'm kinda like that. I devoted most of my life to studying and protecting endangered species and habitats. As part of my studies and, later, fieldwork, I'd track wild animals, any type, any taxonomic class... and just stare at them. For hours. Birds building nests, ant columns, the alien immensity of whales, the primordial shuffling geometry of horseshoe crabs. Lonesome George ambling through his pen, unaware of his own victimhood. One time I stayed right at the threat display "safe distance" of a rattlesnake and just watched and watched, perfectly safe, as it postured at me, the embodiment of fury. Now, the black mamba was a different story, there is no safe distance for that species, and even if there were, I wasn't outside it. Ended up fine. Loved them. All of them. Animals are predictable. Even the unpredictable ones are *predictably* unpredictable.

The best - as good as all the rest together - a king vulture in Costa Rica. It was... a huge living kite, effortlessly pulled through the sky, body as immobile as a paper cutout as the world shifted around it, and white as pure pristine snowpack. I watched that ethereal, impossible cloud creature circle for over three hours. Words fail me.

And while I was watching it - at age 20 - something inside got jostled loose and I really thought of and expressed myself about the abuse for the very first time. I wrote about it in the poetry forum - "Someone Else's Journal." It cannot have been a coincidence.


Matt

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"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427814 - 03/11/13 11:47 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
before i got out of the family house, it was reading and schoolwork - my only escapes - they occupied my mind so fully that i didn't have time to think or feel much of anything else.

when i went away to college it became art and theatre. they were perfect modes of escape and were so time-and-energy-consuming that i had nothing left for any other concerns. and acting was a way of losing myself in another personality. sometimes i felt more "real" on stage than i did in my own identity. i certainly felt more emotions- even if they were someone else's!

at the beginning of my career, it was just art.

after marriage and starting a family, it was restoration and rennovation and recdecorating of our century-old house. there was always a never-ending series of projects to do that could keep me busy.

now it is teaching (and it includes the books, art and theatre!)

i guess i have had a series of "one thing"s - and they have been both helpful and hindering to my welfare. on one hand, they have given me purpose and direction and a reason to get up in the morning and a good channel for the passions that might have otherwise been destructive. but they have also been distractions and diversionary preoccupations that may have delayed my readyness to face my issues and fight the demons.

on the whole, though, i can't imagine what my life would have been like without any of them.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#427829 - 03/12/13 02:37 AM Re: The One Thing [Re: CloudyFalls]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I don't think there is one thing I'd be nothing without, but there are things without which my life would seem meaningless.

I love music. I own a guitar, but I've never quite managed to learn to play it. But one day I'll be able to play more than "Smoke on the water" on that damn thing - watch me. In the meantime, I'll cherish every opportunity to loose myself in other people's music.
Originally Posted By: CloudyFalls
Funny thing is though husky, music is human. Music is the sounds used like a medium with emotions put into it and as art it's main purpose is to evoke an emotional response. I don't think you can exclude them from one another, they co-exist, for without humanity music could not exist, music is like a recording of a person's emotions.

I quote this, because I couldn't possibly have said it better.

Then there is running... I wouldn't call that my "one thing" either, but without it I would certainly go nuts. There's just something about the solitude of it - just me and the road and no-one else, and yet, should I choose to look up and meet the eyes of the other runners around me, there is solidarity - the kind of camaraderie that comes from having a shared goal, for which was are in the process of driving ourself to the limit...

And then there is my love for nature. Soccerstar - I would love your job. I have a passion for conservation and have earned myself a reputation among those who know me as being a "bunny hugger". Unfortunately I am stuck living in the city, something that is made bearable only by regular escapes to the wilderness. The first time I can consciously recall being happy, was sitting on a rock by the ocean, with no sign of civilisation in either direction - just me and the ocean and the sea birds...
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I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#427865 - 03/12/13 02:51 PM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
Music, photography, flying, conservation, running, swimming, art, literature, theater, nature...man, these are some pretty awesome solitary pursuits smile If I can a bit selfishly say so - I think I can somewhat relate to each one of them. I love playing soccer (though I'm pretty much dead after the first 2 minutes - probably should cut down on the smoking). I'm also a bit of traveler - I'm going traveling in April/May on my own - Europe in April, and a road trip through some national parks in May. Conservation NGOs are pretty much the only societies I contribute to at the moment. Psychology/therapy help in healing obviously, but I think these passions, 'the one thing', or whatever you want to call it - things that give meaning - they're important just as much and sadly often overlooked in healing I think. Reckon these are the things that keep you in the present and lift you up, if you will, from the past. Glad to hear you guys have it too smile
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#433262 - 05/02/13 08:29 AM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
Just wanted to revive this post because I had a burning question - if anyone had their 'one thing' destroyed by their perpetrator, or anyone else for that matter...I think it's something I'm still processing even though I had buried it for nearly a decade now.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#433265 - 05/02/13 09:26 AM Re: The One Thing [Re: concerned_husky]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 619
Loc: VA
I dunno if any interests or passions of mine was "destroyed" by the Bad Thing that happened at age 6. But at age 60 I can now definitely recognize that many of the standard PTSD symptoms have followed me and burdened me through life. I feel like I've spent my life trying not to be noticed, feeling afraid, feeling like Pinocchio, wishing I was a "real" person. On the plus side, I passionately enjoyed escaping this world by reading--and I still do.

I can't blame all my chronic physical and emotional problems, my regrets and disappointments on the Bad Thing. Still, it sure is a coincidence that I find them listed in the table of contents of just about every book on male CSA I've read.

John

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