For as long as I can remember, I've suffered from severe concentration and attention span problems. They screwed me up in school, screw me up at work, have held me back in life and made me the target of endless ridicule. I've been called "space cadet", "airhead", "sped" and a host of other names that I wish I could say weren't fitting. They are fitting though. I'm all of those things, and I probably always will be.
I really don't think I was supposed to end up like this. I come from a long line of very successful people. It's like I'm an apple that fell REALLY far from the tree, then rolled away down a hill, and rolled and rolled and rolled and came to a stop in a different zip code. My grandfather was an extremely successful businessman. My father is a successful doctor. I water office plants for a living and make $11.50 an hour. Oh, but this job at least has some
benefits! Never had a job with any benefits before. Spent most of my adult life working as a pizza delivery guy and a bartender. So now, at 38, I am at the pinnacle of my success! HOORAY FOR ME!!! I'VE ARRIVED!!!
I am the very definition of the term "a lesser son of greater sires". A-FUCKING-LOT lesser. Could I be anymore useless to this society?
One thing I've noticed when speaking with others who have CSA issues is that a disproportionate number of us seem to suffer from problems with concentration and attention. Why though? It doesn't seem to make any sense. Why would sexual trauma in childhood cause this and other forms of trauma not? (Save for maybe a massive head injury.) When I was in therapy in my late teens, even my therapist seemed to think the CSA had something to do with my attention problems but he never really said why that was. I can't make it add up. Can't see where the direct cause and effect is. Can't follow the A to the B to the C of it.
For me, I wonder if it's not just a coincidence. Maybe I was born like this and the CSA has nothing to do with it. Although, my first experiences with CSA did happen in the second grade and it was in the third grade that they first realized something was wrong with me and placed me in the special ed class. Yeah, that's right. Special FUCKING education. I'm a big sped! DUUUUURRRR!!!
I guess that still doesn't prove anything about CSA causing the problems. Kind of anecdotal. It could just be that I was born with a defective brain and that grades K-2 were simple and basic enough that an airhead like me could float through without getting figured out.
I was trying to think of an analogy for my attention problems the other day and came up with this. (This analogy isn't perfect, but it fits, I think.)
My brain is like a stupid, hyperactive dog that is very difficult to take for a walk. Over the years people, including myself, have tried to train it to heel and walk on a leash properly but no one has really ever been able to. No matter how many times the dumb fucking dog has been punished, corrected, gently coaxed or pumped full of Ritalin, it just never really learns and won't go for a walk without constantly pulling me off in directions I didn't mean to go in. Sometimes it takes forever to get anywhere walking this dog because it just won't cooperate and won't go where I meant for it to. Then, when I finally get where I meant to be, if there are others who were headed to the same place, the conversation can sound like this....
"What took you so long?"
"I don't know. Just off in my own little world, I guess."
"LOL! You're fucking retarded!"
"Yeah, I know......"
It's like my mind has a mind of it's own. That statement might only make sense to me but there it is anyway.
As far as I can tell, there are really only four distinct possibilities that could have lead to my "disorder"......
1: I was born this way. When I was conceived, out of all the millions of sperm that could have inseminated my mother's egg, I got the defective one, and that became me. The CSA was a coincidence.
2: I was not born this way and my attention/concentration problems are just another way in which my sexually traumatic childhood irreparably fucked me up.
3: I ate a bunch of paint chips when I was little and don't remember doing it.
4: I was really a crack baby that my parents found in a dumpster and decided to raise as their own. (Probably not this one though. I do look a lot like my dad.)
I'm just wondering what other's insight to this may be. If and when CSA causes these types of problems, what is the cause and effect? Have there been studies done on this? How do you make one relate to the other? I guess that's what I'm really digging at here. How and why can and/or does CSA sometimes have the same effect on a young child's development as a mouth full of paint chips? All my life I've wondered why I'm like this and I'd like some answers, even if they don't solve the problem. Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks. Peace.
PS. Maybe I should confront my parents about the crack baby thing, just in case.