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#427727 - 03/11/13 06:19 AM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 07:58 PM)

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#427729 - 03/11/13 06:55 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
I have been struggling with this too. Encounters with people in person and viewing of porn which reminds me of the abuse... In both cases, it is physically and emotionally painful, sometimes leading to a numbness, or it happens, and in my rage of awful and afraid feelings, it leads to memory blanks, where I cannot recall what just happened. I just posted about this 40 minutes ago actually. Sometimes I role play my abuse but in anon chat rooms. I felt too like I would be scolded, but maybe we are our own worst critics and bullies--- after all, you and I are the ones putting ourselves through reliving of the abuse.

You are not a hypocrite though. Re-living the abuse is such a common trait among us survivors....
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427731 - 03/11/13 06:59 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3608
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey LAD,
you know drive force to act out is much more complex I would say and probably has more layers in it than just looking for memories.
We all are doing it while we are not sure for all reasons: is it some kind search for some memories, or emotions and feelings... in any case there is more in it and somethings are hidden from our rational part of mind and we don't have full insight.
And how you wrote that you felt empty and not felt much actually I would say that exactly the same many survivors felt during such compulsive activities.
As I've said source of such obsession is hidden and out of reach from our rational part of mind, that is reason why is compulsive.
I guess part of answer is placed always somewhere in severity of trauma and hurtful feelings and scars that are left after traumatic experience as abuse is.
Please look further and search for your answer with maybe adding triggering warning sign for similar posts...

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427734 - 03/11/13 08:10 AM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: JayBro
viewing of porn that reminds me of the abuse


TRIGGERS

My "favorite" type of porn, or at least the variety I'm most drawn to, is of the precise act that I was subjected to. You can read the link below for that. Even knowing, I still find it... both hot and somewhat hypnotic. The more brutally violent and degrading, the better, I can watch and "use" it for hours. I've certainly done my fair share of doing it to women, it's probably my favorite part - though obviously without brutal violence then. The audio-visuals are pretty similar even without it.

But when I think - REALLY think - of the associated noises, facial expressions, and fluidic depositional results actually being associated with myself as a kid... it makes me want to curl up and die.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427745 - 03/11/13 12:14 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
irishguym Offline


Registered: 02/08/13
Posts: 41
I'm in a different boat...I look to act out night after night and except for two occassions over the years I completely chicken out then the next night it's back on the computer chatting etc etc...

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#427748 - 03/11/13 01:16 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I recreated abuse through roleplaying with a stranger again tonight. I've done it a bunch of times. Does that make me a fake? A phony like people on here have talked about? Because I don't remember anything, and even letting the guy pretend again tonight he was molesting me didn't jog my memory. As usual, with ALL of these encounters, I felt nothing. Not even when orgasming. Completely numb and empty orgasm. Shouldn't that have jogged my memory? As it always is, completely pleasureless sexual pleasure. I know that sounds like a contradiction. But I feel nothing but empty during it. Wouldn't a real survivor feel something? Even a little? If something really happened to me? Why am I so obsessed with knowing what it feels/felt like? I feel like I shouldn't come here anymore for that very reason.


I know I was abused. I have a couple of memories around the abuse. I never thought that the CSA was that big an issue for me. I don't have any flashbacks. When triggered it is emotion but I can't connect them to the CSA. Nothing direct. Nothing connected with sex. (so far) I consider myself lucky in this. But I am a real survivor.

I don't need to feel the abuse to know that I am not whole. And I don't believe I need to know it in order to end up where I want to be. I have not started any therapy yet. (trying to get it scheduled) But the discussions that I had with a therapist is that they consider the past but try and focus on the future and what your goal is. And that sounds great for me.

Things started getting really bad for me starting about two years ago. Stresses that brought up a whole lot of shit. My head was messed up. Just over half a year ago I came here. It was hard but it also was helpful. I don't know how much it did for me. But I don't care. I am where I am today and it is not in the dark place I was in before. I don't know how I came out of it, or what had helped me. All I care about is that I am moving forward. I have no desire to dig through my past if I don't need to. I wish more guys here would be spared the pain of thier memories.

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#427750 - 03/11/13 01:52 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Hey Candu!! What you wrote was really inspirational. I too feel like I have left the "dark place" where I was, and I do anticipate that recovery and continuing my life as a survivor will be plagued with many ups and downs. Right now, since being triggered last night/this morning, I am in a low, but I am hoping things will pick up. I really, really wish I could move beyond reliving the abuse and having anything sexual be such a trigger for me.... it is such a constant reminder and is very scary. You are absolutely right when you write that we need to move on, and focus on our present as well as our future and not be re-victimised by our past.

I am so scared right now and shakey, feeling really cold. I hope I see a friend soon.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427755 - 03/11/13 02:32 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:41 PM)

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#427757 - 03/11/13 03:07 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:42 PM)

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#427761 - 03/11/13 05:08 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:30 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#427775 - 03/11/13 07:57 PM Re: Recreating abuse [Re: Life's A Dream]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Ok, I haven't been here long enough to have a good sense of when to post a trigger warning and when not to but I'm posting one here anyway, just in case.... TRIGGER WARNING....

I can identify with some of this. I haven't had much sex at all in my adult life but when I have it has only happened when the woman involved pretty much did all the work. Basically the only way I can do it is when I sit back and let them "molest me". That hasn't really been because I was trying to "recreate" the abuse though. Not consciously anyway. It's just kind of the only way I know how. I don't feel comfortable making any moves on them or making my own advances. It's just not how I operate sexually.

Yeah, I know all about the pleasureless orgasm. Pretty much every time I've had real sex, that's how it ends. Then, I'm just glad it's over and I want to take a shower. My one and only girlfriend ever once asked me why I always wanted to shower after sex. I told her that it just felt gross not to. I think that hurt her feelings. Whatever.

To be quite honest, I get a lot more pleasure using sex toys solo and alone then I ever have with someone else's body. There are no emotions involved with sex toys and they don't leave me feeling all icky, awkward and uncomfortable afterwards.


Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Last night, after I got home from letting some man, pretend "molest" me, I had a nightmare that people were chasing me to murder me. I remember it as starting out with us playing, but then some of them really did want to murder me/us, and we spent the rest of the dream running from them. Not exactly an abuse dream, but I've had a lot of those since I was young of people coming after me to hurt/murder me. I completely blocked it out upon waking up, and then minutes later I was like "Oh my god, that dream was absolutely terrifying".


Weird. I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago. I already mentioned it in a thread I started called "I Didn't Think This Would Happen." I was the child me in the dream and someone was coming to "get me". I was alone in my parents house and some man called on the phone and tricked me into admitting that I was alone. After that, I knew he was coming for me and I was terrified. Nothing like that ever happened in my childhood and it didn't have anything to do with my CSA. In a way, that made it even more strange though. It was just like a nightmare that I would have had as a child, only I had it as an adult, as a child, if that makes any sense. Disturbed the hell out of me.

By the way, I'm not sure why you think anyone would "burn you at the stake" for anything you posted here. I've only been here for a little over a week but I don't think I've seen you post anything that seemed disingenuous or sounded like it wasn't genuine. Sounds to me like you just have a suffocating amount of shit you're trying to figure out and sort through and process. As far as I can tell, it seems like that's what this board is mostly for. Take care. Peace.

Ken

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#427780 - 03/11/13 08:25 PM . [Re: BraveFalcon]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:43 PM)

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#427797 - 03/11/13 10:10 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
A number of years ago when I was in grad school, my roommate had a huge stash of porn on VHS and DVD (1998 here). I've never had much of an appetite for porn, but I do like theater of the mind.

One weekend when he was away, I had the house to myself so I decided to look through some of his collection. I came across one that was called "College Candy" or something like that. I didn't know what to expect...but what I saw was male-on-male porn. Everything else was hetero, but this was very different...and intriguing.

I mean, it was graphic...a college "kid" (who looked and dressed a lot like me) is being assaulted by another, older guy. I was strangely fascinated with it and still think about what I saw on the screen. I was aroused and didn't know why.

I suppose this was reliving the abuse...and sensed that at the time and felt like I was betraying myself for watching and even enjoying it.

That could be me...I even wanted it to be me. I was passive, I was active. I was both...
I'm still wrestling with this one-and I don't even know why it was in his collection. Of course I said nothing to him. I haven't seen it since-but there is theater of the mind and there is guilt.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#427813 - 03/11/13 11:44 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
*TRIGGER WARNING*

For me, I have acted out the abuse most times I have hooked up with men for sex. I try not to, but sometimes still go to on-line hook-up sites and flirt to "almost" set-up an arrangement, but then back out. Or, before I used to go on anon on-line chatrooms and roleplay my abuse. Then, there are the porn-viewing sessions in which I accidently stumble upon porn with themes related to the abuse- especially in collections of literotica, in which is it but a title you click on and have no clue what it is about until you read the first few lines.

I don't know why I read literotica, but there are several things I can gather from myself: 1, not always will I read something that disturbs me/is disturbing and I will actually have a normal, healthy masturbation session; 2, I look at porn to find healthy scenes and alter my fantasies (which is actually working) and it also deters me from meeting with men in real-life and re-creating the abuse and putting myself at emotional and physical harm; 3, looking at the literotica is like a subconscious gamble, not knowing what will be triggering and what will be healthy- with what is triggering, my mind is either trying to make sense of it, trying to make sense of abuse or I lose my capacities and without my own consent, not even being attracted to it, I am placed back to me being a child and I am experiencing abuse once more... and there quite frankly is little sense to be made there. When the later happens, I become sooooooo angry (I hardly ever express anger towards my CSA, but when I am reminded of it online, it makes me so infuriated that it's up there, open to the public, that someone made that, that there's a demand for that, and that this type of abuse continues to happen in the world). I also too feel very guilty and sad, I feel like I am one of those abusers, and guilty for having let my guard down and re-exposing myself to something triggering. I absolutely do not know if that is helping my healing process or hindering it. And it never happens consentually within myself, it is always accidental, however I still manage to not learn and allow myself to be disturbed again... or part of me in a PSTD trans tries to find something that disturbed me, re-expose myself to it, just try to MAKE SENSE of "WHY IS THIS STILL UP HERE?" "WHY DOES THIS EXIST?" "HOW CAN I NUMB MYSELF TO THIS?"

I was recently triggered on Sunday night, and Monday morning, and I have been in a weird aftershock since. I feel really sick and my immune system is weak. I recently posted more about what I am going through: if anyone wants to give me some feedback or support that would be greatly appreciated.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7751#Post427751
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427817 - 03/12/13 12:03 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ok

I have been lurking around here for days..watching all the 'talk' about acting out (in a few threads)....wanting to say something...but not being man enough. So here goes.....

As a teen I started 'acting out' my abuse with strange men. From 15 - 18. Just like Still menioned in another thread. While that too was technically CSA because I was underage - I knew what I was doing and I 'let' them abuse me. It was familiar and I 'felt' loved. Even though I didn't really feel anything...until the guilt hit. That is no secret - I have mentioned that before.

When I started to feel the pain of my childhood experiences (when I was around 33) I started to 'act out' again. I didn't know why. It would get more and more dangerous and I took more and more risks as time went by. When I started therapy and I became aware of how the CSA had affected me (I learnt about SSA and acting out) and that I wasn't just having sex with men I was reliving my abuse ...it actually got worse. I was uncontrollable...IT was uncontrollable. It was like well 'they' made me this way I might as well make the most of it. I was made a men's sexual play thing at 3 years old... a piece of garbage. It was 'in' me.

I am a pretty big guy but I would nearly always take on a submissive role at least part of the time. I would look for guys that were bigger than me and even the smaller guys would get a kick out of dominating someone that looked like me. I would numb out and just go through the motions. It felt good to be 'desired' but that was about it.

Most of my acting out was spontaneous but.....after 'meeting' a guy on one of those sites. He travelled 5 hours (one way) and paid for a motel room just to do things to me and have me do things to him. I was not physically attracted to that guy at all but felt obligated and just like the earlier abuse I couldn't say 'no'.

This is my GREATEST source of guilt an shame...that I did this to myself. I betrayed myself.

I can deal with the original CSA (that wasn't my fault) but this 'WAS' my fault.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#427818 - 03/12/13 12:12 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Lee, your description of going through the motions and numbing and "letting" yourself be abused is what I experience(d) too
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#427826 - 03/12/13 12:51 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 328
Loc: Iowa, USA
Lee,
After reading your story, I have clarity regarding my story and why I did the things I did. Thank you for writing. It had to take great strength to put your story into words. Thank you for writing.

DavO

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#428240 - 03/16/13 04:59 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
How can we stop this?
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428373 - 03/18/13 03:03 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Farmer Boy]
Joe44040 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Ohio
((((LEE)))))

Just by being able to distinguish the fantasy life from reality is a huge step. I don't agree with placing yourself at fault--each journey is taken one step at a time with detours and delays along the way. Be very proud of the progress you have made on this journey thus far.

Peace and love, my brother,

Joe
_________________________
"As a man in his last breath
drops all that he is carrying
each breath is a little death
that can set us free."


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#428378 - 03/18/13 04:36 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
As many know I had a difficult time over the past several months. I had fugues and periods of lost time. But on Saturday a strange thing happened. I was meeting a client's tenant who was moving out. I was going into the building and I held the door open. A woman and her child were behind so I let them go in. She looked at me and said, hello, don't you remember me. I said no and she looked at me. She said you are the one who helped change a flat tire. I said are you sure and she said yes--I said you must be mistaken. I was getting scared--had I met her? She said yes it was me, it was in Reston in November. I had a fugue experience then and my car was left in Reston. I felt odd as she continued. I asked where was I going that day. She said I said I was just looking around. She thanked me again--so I said I was glad to do. I asked if she lived here, she said not just visiting. I was not only lost in fugue but also lost when she approached. At least I may have done something good during that time. But I still wonder was it me or someone luck(lol) to look like me?


Edited by KMCINVA (03/18/13 04:39 PM)

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#428438 - 03/19/13 01:53 PM . [Re: KMCINVA]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:54 PM)

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#428464 - 03/19/13 07:28 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1350
Sorry if this is also triggering...

We never escape this, do we? It's as if we seem happy to settle for extracting the nectar of the darker pleasures of our abuse, retry it again and again like putting on an old uniform, re-enacting the battles of our younger selves. And yet we so often forget the things that felt bad and shameful and wrong at the same time, only remembering enough to know we are condemned to being sexually magnetized to an unfulfilling darkness.

We look at ourselves - we look at this thread. This is the damage done. And yes - let's talk about fakes and phonies and role playing because I think it hits us on so many levels. It goes right to the core of intimacy. It makes us incredibly vulnerable just to talk about it. It's really terrifying to just lay it out here for everyone - that takes trust so few of us have. What happened to me was so secret, so shameful, I never thought I could ever talk about it even obliquely with anyone. In fact, I didn't even tell my diary. Yet here I am. And so I'll dare a little sharing...

Was it pleasurable to have this guy have sex in me (note: not with me) just about every other night? Frankly, for me it had all the sexual rapture of a sneeze. I knew it was coming and desperately didn't want it. Until it overtook me and I surrendered to it. And in that simple transaction I owned his sins. I am dismissed with a pat on the head and a promise with a 3-hour expiration that it will never happen again. My body, having both betrayed and defined me, is left holding a part of him inside me that stains my soul. If sex is an artistic, interpretive dance, this was ours: he pumped into me all his accountability, and I owned it. That was pretty much the sexual politics that went on. And sometimes I just plain maneuvered for it - ready to take it - just to keep him off the girls. Those were the moments I really owned - not wanting it yet asking for it, not wanting to feel it yet being overwhelmed by it never-the-less, then having him tell me I made him do it when I responded. I guess that is how life's greatest pleasure somehow becomes a twisted curse. Does it make me a fake that I still cannot undo the sexual rewiring he imprinted upon me? Does it make any of us a phony that we still do because we were taught so indelibly?

I am still trying to relearn it all - as if maybe I possibly could - but I would argue it's not fake but precisely the reality. Healthy sex should enhance the person, define the soul, express love, create new life. With me, I learned to "enjoy" the opposite. I learned that pleasure was something that devoured me, overwhelmed my senses, embarrassed me, and took my choices away. My body gave pleasure to another without my consent or control. How do you reconcile that as a "young man" (as I was called at twelve)? Maybe acceptance is the mind's way of avoiding insanity. Maybe there are lessons we just learn despite ourselves. I adapted. I kept my sanity. At an enormous price. It was more than just sex and forbidden intimacies. The physical depth of the penetration was nothing compared to the psychological depth. He planted himself in my head - he just lives there forever and I can't get him out. He is the doubt I feel when I should be confident. He is the lost potential that never became reality. He is the self loathing and confusion I feel when I try to understand who I am as a person, as a sexual being. I have lost my sense of who I am in this world. I see me as perhaps others do not - because I still see the world through 12-year-old eyes, sometimes.

The way I see it - for me - is that the intensity of sexual memory always stays with a person. Yet the flip side of the abuse which at the time was so much bigger, now seems so small - things like the terror of being discovered. The fear that all my friends would try to do this to me. The absolute disgust at seeing this same guy line up little girls face down on the floor of our basement - including my sister. The confusion of the stranger within me he was making me face, the things he was making me feel that I was too young to understand. The repulsion that I might ever grow up to be like him. The terror when he got caught that I would have to testify and share my humiliation with the world. The shame I felt when my dad - who never knew his own kids were victims - told me I was really "a good boy". I couldn't even own that father-son moment, I didn't believe it. He died without knowing me - even though we both loved each other. That's the price *I* paid for owning my molester's sins.

Burned at the stake? Really? The truth is we were ALL burned at the stake a long time ago in basements and bedrooms and tents and rectories. When we think of the sexual patterns that seem condemned to be repeated into eternity without knowing why, let's not forget that it was inherited as part of a bigger package of dysfunctions - like not finding true loves or being able to hold jobs or becoming prostitutes or homeless or being accident prone or even suicidal. Those patterns often seem to have no end, either.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#428471 - 03/19/13 09:40 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Chase Eric]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1106
Loc: The ATL
Hi Chase Eric. Absolutely amazing post! I have nothing more to add, just wanted to tell you that.

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#428505 - 03/20/13 09:54 AM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3398
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Eric - this is one of the most perceptive and eloquently expressed descriptions i have ever read.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#428512 - 03/20/13 12:36 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 194
Eric!
_________________________
My Story

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#428515 - 03/20/13 12:59 PM Re: Recreating abuse *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Life's A Dream]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 251
Loc: Germany
Very beautiful and sad post, but it rings so true in so many of ours souls and minds.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#428519 - 03/20/13 01:46 PM " [Re: JayBro]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/28/13 11:51 PM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#428523 - 03/20/13 02:04 PM . [Re: lbcali1978]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:58 PM)

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#428529 - 03/20/13 02:19 PM " [Re: Life's A Dream]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
"


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/28/13 11:52 PM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#428576 - 03/21/13 04:37 AM Here was my favorite part of Chase Eric's comment [Re: Chase Eric]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Sorry if this is also triggering...

We never escape this, do we? It's as if we seem happy to settle for extracting the nectar of the darker pleasures of our abuse, retry it again and again like putting on an old uniform, re-enacting the battles of our younger selves. And yet we so often forget the things that felt bad and shameful and wrong at the same time, only remembering enough to know we are condemned to being sexually magnetized to an unfulfilling darkness.

We look at ourselves - we look at this thread. This is the damage done. And yes - let's talk about fakes and phonies and role playing because I think it hits us on so many levels. It goes right to the core of intimacy. It makes us incredibly vulnerable just to talk about it. It's really terrifying to just lay it out here for everyone - that takes trust so few of us have. What happened to me was so secret, so shameful, I never thought I could ever talk about it even obliquely with anyone. In fact, I didn't even tell my diary. Yet here I am. And so I'll dare a little sharing...

Was it pleasurable to have this guy have sex in me (note: not with me) just about every other night? Frankly, for me it had all the sexual rapture of a sneeze. I knew it was coming and desperately didn't want it. Until it overtook me and I surrendered to it. And in that simple transaction I owned his sins. I am dismissed with a pat on the head and a promise with a 3-hour expiration that it will never happen again. My body, having both betrayed and defined me, is left holding a part of him inside me that stains my soul. If sex is an artistic, interpretive dance, this was ours: he pumped into me all his accountability, and I owned it. That was pretty much the sexual politics that went on. And sometimes I just plain maneuvered for it - ready to take it - just to keep him off the girls. Those were the moments I really owned - not wanting it yet asking for it, not wanting to feel it yet being overwhelmed by it never-the-less, then having him tell me I made him do it when I responded. I guess that is how life's greatest pleasure somehow becomes a twisted curse. Does it make me a fake that I still cannot undo the sexual rewiring he imprinted upon me? Does it make any of us a phony that we still do because we were taught so indelibly?

I am still trying to relearn it all - as if maybe I possibly could - but I would argue it's not fake but precisely the reality. Healthy sex should enhance the person, define the soul, express love, create new life. With me, I learned to "enjoy" the opposite. I learned that pleasure was something that devoured me, overwhelmed my senses, embarrassed me, and took my choices away. My body gave pleasure to another without my consent or control. How do you reconcile that as a "young man" (as I was called at twelve)? Maybe acceptance is the mind's way of avoiding insanity. Maybe there are lessons we just learn despite ourselves. I adapted. I kept my sanity. At an enormous price. It was more than just sex and forbidden intimacies. The physical depth of the penetration was nothing compared to the psychological depth. He planted himself in my head - he just lives there forever and I can't get him out. He is the doubt I feel when I should be confident. He is the lost potential that never became reality. He is the self loathing and confusion I feel when I try to understand who I am as a person, as a sexual being. I have lost my sense of who I am in this world. I see me as perhaps others do not - because I still see the world through 12-year-old eyes, sometimes.

The way I see it - for me - is that the intensity of sexual memory always stays with a person. Yet the flip side of the abuse which at the time was so much bigger, now seems so small - things like the terror of being discovered. The fear that all my friends would try to do this to me. The absolute disgust at seeing this same guy line up little girls face down on the floor of our basement - including my sister. The confusion of the stranger within me he was making me face, the things he was making me feel that I was too young to understand. The repulsion that I might ever grow up to be like him. The terror when he got caught that I would have to testify and share my humiliation with the world. The shame I felt when my dad - who never knew his own kids were victims - told me I was really "a good boy". I couldn't even own that father-son moment, I didn't believe it. He died without knowing me - even though we both loved each other. That's the price *I* paid for owning my molester's sins.

Burned at the stake? Really? The truth is we were ALL burned at the stake a long time ago in basements and bedrooms and tents and rectories. When we think of the sexual patterns that seem condemned to be repeated into eternity without knowing why, let's not forget that it was inherited as part of a bigger package of dysfunctions - like not finding true loves or being able to hold jobs or becoming prostitutes or homeless or being accident prone or even suicidal. Those patterns often seem to have no end, either.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#430771 - 04/10/13 03:04 PM Re: Here was my favorite part of Chase Eric's comment [Re: Life's A Dream]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
I hope it's ok to bring this topic up, but it really speaks to what I do I think.
I often put myself into positions where my abuse is reenacted.
This is one of many posts here that shock me; it shocks me because it's so true, so what I do and so common with people like us who have been abused. That old cliché of you are not alone seems so true in this area. There is a topic on torture that I read over and over again because it speaks to me, it's me. I read it and I am so afraid to say what was done to me. But I go out and let guys do it to me again and again. It happens always the same way. I get that feeling and I need it. I want it.
I want to be hurt and I want to be humiliated that way. I want the shame.
At least when I am in these situations I know what is expected of me and I know how to take it.
The most fucked up part is that I try and find men my fathers age and who look like him when he started with me. It's as if i don't let guys hurt me all the stuff that happened wasn't real. It keeps it alive and real inside
I try to stop sometimes, like today. I know if I go out right now I will look for trouble. So I have some music playing and just trying to stay put.
As for porn, I too go for the rough nasty humiliating stuff. I have friends I let use me one line and I use to be on a vid chat site but to many people linked to me so I stopped that.
Not sure what else to say. I hope I didn't say to much, sorry if I did.
dumont

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#430773 - 04/10/13 04:01 PM . [Re: dumont]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/20/13 08:40 PM)

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#430850 - 04/11/13 04:02 AM Re: Here was my favorite part of Chase Eric's comment [Re: dumont]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3608
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi dumont,
good to see you discussing this issue openly. Many survivors have problems even many years later with reenacting situations that could be risky or similar to abusive experience. Some are moved but doing some other stuff that in background have same source, those are high drive activities like drugs, alcohol, anonymous and risky sex, porn, gambling and similar. List could be very long as personal preferences are different for everyone of us.
Why we do it?
There are different answers:
- some answers are lying in fact that as long as original trauma is not healed our brain is stuck in moment of grave danger (for our minds some abusive situations were seen like that) and trying somehow to repeat similar conditions and to resolve knot and scars left by such destructive situation. Unfortunately resolution never happens spontaneously by itself and actually trough therapy we should look for healing of original trauma otherwise we are stuck in consonant cycling trough same patterns;
- some of us developed coping mechanism that are involving some of previously mentioned situations. For example I have a lot of problems with porn, it is not regular porn but something that on emotional level is reminding me of abuse. There is always some element in it that I associate with being survivor of sexual abuse and I'm ashamed to admit but that is what I'm looking for sometimes and doing. It is important to acknowledge to self in what emotional state that is happening. Personally it happens to me always when I feel down, isolated, alone, invisible and not heard. Those are some of feelings that are the most damaging for me and when I'm feeling like that I know that there is high risk that I'd fall to my old habits.
Here is terrible good article about all that written by Ken Singer:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html
Please take some time and read it, there is even homework for you if you are looking how to break that cycle wink

Hang on and share with us more. Secrets are purring power to those old habits that sometimes control us.
Many of us came here to reconnect whit others, to break isolation that we are feeling for so long and to move with our healing.
We can do it together wink

Pero
_________________________
My story

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