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#427439 - 03/08/13 03:22 AM What if you knew long ago?
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Iím


Edited by mkn10 (07/14/13 12:04 AM)

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#427443 - 03/08/13 03:52 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
It is a very difficult question to answer.

I was lucky in that I did not land myself up in an abusive relationship. However, if I was in the type of relationship that you have just described I don't think I would of stayed. I think you are currently at risk and should not be abused (only verbally for now)in this way.

Yes, he is a survivor but he is becoming an abuser. You sound very supportive but unless he takes a step towards recovery he will never heal.

I know it is not easy to hear this but get out while you can.
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#427463 - 03/08/13 08:03 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: Rosemary]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
Originally Posted By: Rosemary


I know it is not easy to hear this but get out while you can.


As a survivor, I think I have to agree with this. I hate when people talk about survivors as "damaged goods" and impossible to have a relationship with. That very much depends on the person. I've heard people say "your husband was abused? He'll drain you, get out!" That is incredibly unfair.

But this situation is different. The issue here is not really about what happened to him, but rather how he is dealing with it. You deserve to be with someone who thinks you are special. You deserve to be with someone who will keep promises. You deserve to be with someone who will not threaten you. You deserve to be with someone who is not verbally abusive.

You may love him, but abusive relationships only lead to two unhealthy people. That is not going to help him.

I would suggest that if nothing else, YOU go see a therapist. The cycle the two of you are in is a bad one, and while getting help and considering leaving is hard, keeping things the way they are is only going to cause more pain for *both* of you in the long run. If you care about him, take care of yourself.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#427497 - 03/08/13 05:12 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 243
Loc: us
So I can relate to some of your situation. I'm 28 and have been with my H for 5 years. Drinking has always been an issue for him. However when I. Look back over the last 5 years he has made loads of progress and the drinking has slowed way down. However H has never called me names for used the f*ck word with me. I'm pretty positive he has never cheated. We live in a small town and if he did it would get back to me. He is just now starting to mention his csa to friends and admit how much it has impacted him.
But despite all the progress it is still hard as hell. I'm a survivor who went through years of therapy before meeting H. When I met him I was pretty sure he had been abused but kept it to myself. I figured with my background I. Would handle things just fine. Haha yeah well I feel like I bit off more than I can chew a lot of the time.
So to answer your question if I. Could go back in time and choose a different guy would I.? Most days I. Say no but somedays I. Find myself asking what the f*ck was I thinking? I love H with all I have but sometimes I feel like its not enough. And if H ever became or had been abusive towards me in anyway I would have left him. No question in my mind yes I would run. To me your situation sounds totally abusive. If I were you I would have been gone awhile ago.
But hey I. Can't tell you how to live your life. I. Feel that living with survivor who is making progress is very painful at times but can be worth it. However living with one who refuses to grow is impossible and destructive for you as well. If you leave it doesn't mean you don't love him it just means that you love yourself too.


Edited by HD001 (03/08/13 05:14 PM)
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#427500 - 03/08/13 05:35 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Sorry I'm not one of the girls...but I play one on TV. I'm going to say in the clearest terms possible as a survivor:


Quote:
Iím in my mid twenties...



Run...


Quote:
His life is a downward spiral of self-destruction atm. He drinks A LOT, takes hard-core drugs, goes out clubbing as much as he possibly can without losing his job. He goes AWOL all the time. Recently I found out about him cheating with at least 2 women that I have photos of, but many other items have been found in our bed, around the house etc, but he continues to denyÖ. And ABSOLUTELY NO APOLOGY for the cheating. He said to me ďDonít think youíre special.Ē


Run like Hell....

Quote:
And me Ė I have a good job, I am healthy, I have such a beautiful family, they are the bomb, people tell me Iím very attractive (but that is hard to believe cos of how HE treats me). I am extremely loyal, I havenít so much as looked at another man in 3 years, in fact I do everything to avoid any attention to myself when I am out. HE is the only person I have ever been with, so the infidelity stings BAD. Iím also worried about possible STDs.


You still there???

Run like Hell away from this! You, your life, your family, YOU...are a Diamond!! But this putz is dropping a beautiful Diamond into a tar-pit to be forever lost and ruined.

Don't walk away....RUN!!! And don't ever look back or let him sink his pity-hooks into you.
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#427618 - 03/09/13 10:44 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I would have to agree. I have been with my beloved for going on 3 years. He is a survivor. He has never cheated, he has never made me feel worthless. It's been hard at times but there has always been LOVE and RESPECT. I know the man you are with is in a lot of pain- but, and I say this with compassion- having problems- even HUGE ones- does not give you the right to treat another human being like garbage. You also are teaching him that his behavior is okay by staying in this situation- and even more- fighting to stay in this situation. You're a person- an important one- and should be treated as such- regardless of what the other person has been through. No one's life is without strife and trouble and some people have lots of trouble- but again- a problem, addiction, mental illness, whatever- does not give anyone a free pass to treat another human being with utter disrespect. You ARE special. He feels he is not. He needs to fix that on his own and in his own time. There is NOTHING you can do to speed up or help the process. LEAVE. He is in no place to be in a functional, loving relationship. He may figure his stuff out and come back- but right now- you need to go. I'm so sorry that it is hard. I know we have never met but I do sincerely wish you the best.

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#427619 - 03/09/13 10:47 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I would have to agree. I have been with my beloved for going on 3 years. He is a survivor. He has never cheated, he has never made me feel worthless. It's been hard at times but there has always been LOVE and RESPECT. I know the man you are with is in a lot of pain- but, and I say this with compassion- having problems- even HUGE ones- does not give you the right to treat another human being like garbage. You also are teaching him that his behavior is okay by staying in this situation- and even more- fighting to stay in this situation. You're a person- an important one- and should be treated as such- regardless of what the other person has been through. No one's life is without strife and trouble and some people have lots of trouble- but again- a problem, addiction, mental illness, whatever- does not give anyone a free pass to treat another human being with utter disrespect. You ARE special. He feels he is not. He needs to fix that on his own and in his own time. There is NOTHING you can do to speed up or help the process. LEAVE. He is in no place to be in a functional, loving relationship. He may figure his stuff out and come back- but right now- you need to go. I'm so sorry that it is hard. I know we have never met but I do sincerely wish you the best.

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#427644 - 03/10/13 10:26 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
He does not have the maturity yet to even attempt healing. If you stay with him he will erode you bit by bit. He will use you up.

Go find someone who will appreciate you. Someone who will return your love. Someone who will respect you. As I said before, you are a wonderful person. I've seen it through your posts. You deserve a lot better.

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#427669 - 03/10/13 05:55 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Illinois
My H and I have been married 26 years. We are both survivors of CSA. I told him before we were married. I just found out about his in the past couple of years. He is an alcoholic, but is in AA and has been for slightly over a year, for which I am very proud of him. We've been through a lot together and no matter how bad things ever got, I can honestly say he never abused me verbally or otherwise. I have worked with a T for my CSA and for the most part am in a pretty good place. He has not done any recovery for his, but I repeat again, he has never abused me. My friend you are being abused and just should not be tolerated. He may be doing it as a method of self destruction or as a test, but it does NOT matter why he is doing it, you should NEVER allow anyone to be abusive to you. I won't tell you whether or not to leave him, but I will encourage you to set boundaries with consequences and stick with those consequences, even if it means leaving him. It may just be the best thing for him.

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#427716 - 03/11/13 12:42 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
To everyone who has taken the time to reply, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Yes Ė it is hard to hear the truth, and the general consensus is to get out now. It probably sounds crazy given the above post, but I do really love him and I do think HE is special, even though it is evident that he never felt the same way about me. I told him that I hate him, but that is not true, I was just very hurt. I know he is in a lot of pain and I still wish I could hold him and tell him itís ok (never did any good though).

Am I co-dependent Ė HELL YES! In writing my post above, seeing it all in writing kinda scared me because it became clear that this really does constitute a form of abuse and/or emotional control.

That is why I have made the decision to leave, because I am afraid for my safety and health. I am so very lucky to not have contracted a disease and that my mental health is still somewhat intact, even though my self-esteem is not. I just made an appointment with a counsellor that specializes in CSA. I have my first appointment in 2 days, feeling a bit nervous. And you are all right, if HE was committed to recovery there would be some hope in staying and that this abusive cycle may come to an end, but unfortunately that isnít the case.

Still Ė when you said I was a diamond, that made me cry, and in that moment I realised just how small I had been feeling. No one has a right to steal my shine away.

And Candu, I am tearing up right now because of your kind words, and it makesme want to believe things that I have sadly forgotten about myself.

I have left, without really saying goodbye because that would kill me even more than this is already. Itís doubtful that he cares, I havenít heard from him since.

I will continue to pray for him every day. A lady I wrote to last year for information on how to help him (while he was in Europe cheating) told me a story about a doctor in a psychiatric word who cured his patients by saying out aloud ďI love you and Iím sorryĒ just to himself, while thinking of a particular patient. But he never did anything directly with the patients, but somehow they all got better! The lady told me that sometimes the best help we can give is from afar. As lame as it sounds (I know it takes a lot of hard work to heal), every day since I heard the story I have been saying ďI love you and Iím sorryĒ and thinking of my survivor.

I LOVE YOU AND IíM SORRY

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