I wish I had just listened to my therapists and just followed them and not read too much on the topic or symptoms b/c now i obsessa bout it, been doing it for years and its fucking me up in my head. I like sex, Im a guy, I recently stumbled upon self development and improving my relationships with the opposite sex which is cool. But it's hard when I watch porn or try to sleep with, date, different women, Im like overanalyzing everything in my head like ''Am a watching porn tonight because I like sex or because the abuse?'' or ''does this mean im a sex addict?'' or ''do i just like sex?'' its so confusing.

Hey Sportinrucks,

I think you raise a lot of interesting questions.

Untangling the confusion and damage done to my sexuality by the abuse (and, for me, many of the decisions and behaviors I ventured into in the years following) is a major part of my recovery. It's been almost 11 years since I started onto a path of healing my sexuality and it is still an effort.

I believe in the science of "garbage in, garbage out" meaning it is hard for me to have a joyful sexuality when I'm infusing it with non-intimate, non-relationship-based, one-sided, shame-based acting out with porn or people I am just using for sex. That's my experience.

hey sportintrucks,

This is a very confusing issue, because sex/porn addiction and compulsive acting out sexually is a big part of our baggage as CSA survivors. Its really hard to know what "normal" is in this department. For em I had to just eliminate everything, sex, porn, MB. Now I'm starting from scratch trying to develop a sexuality that is as much about the intimacy as it is about the pleasure. Its a work in progress. Hopefully I'll get there before I'm 80.

Jude