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#427603 - 03/09/13 05:57 PM triggering and it will piss someone off.
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 269
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
hi ; i just am so afraid and alone.
I am considering to sell my dad's car and leave. saying
good-bye isnt easy; abandonment is hard. I hate it that
i need love and feeling needy. I wish i could go cuckoo.
i dont need alot but i just eat. I am addicted to food; esp.
sugar. it is sooo difficult to not do this and stay in the
body. to feel lonely all the time ; my mom is gonna die.
She just wont help herself. I sense her dad & mom didnt look
after her b/c of this she never ever heard herself ' say " i
need you, i need you" over and over.
I feel so alone. I wish i could kill my dad's brother.
secret champ; this sucks! i have to go and instead of
letting everything do what is going to do/happen ..i ruiminate
in my brain. i cant believe i feel shitty for leaving and
see if i can hang-out with guys who may b having similar
difficulties. what is more difficult is i am attracted
to guys... i let it fill in my spirit/brain all of it..and then
i think and think..and it feels wrong and gross to feel attract
-ion to men. i must be being a female..i get all in feeling
that i was stupid..and i should act-out... i get thru sometimes for example to not rent porn off my parents' cable.
i just wish love BUT i am sure girls go thru this.
i ..dont know who i am ..and i am not afriad of bilie BUT my
brother might think he can hug me when i visit him- i better
tell him i dont want him touching me. everyone who is also
associated. i am tired of this. i keep wishing i could
have changed for them. i am sensitive too sensitive. BUT,
i have to be b/c i love guys and women and if i can help
(like you guys do)- i suppose that is one good thing.
i like to think i am a good guy. And i hope someone can
find a way to fix themselves before there are more and more
vicitms. i wish he was here. i would love to smash his
brain in and out. i do have this right. maybe i will
let some of this anger to my brother. I dont want
permission to feel RAGE! i think i am okay.. sensitive;yeah!
free more than last week. last year! i am strange-
i love to help everyone BUT "think like billie and then my
mind goes in many areas ;it is weird but it is how i cope;
i am sure others can understand.
I never want to see a psycholoist again. I judge things
quickly...i have written it many times..a loser psychologist
was insulting and i was fragile. i am not forgiving. All
my life i was sorry that my mom was getting a beating.
I never liked my mom and dad b/c of my dad's fag brother.
He is a jerk ,ASSHOLE! I am sick of taking care of him; and
his fresh SisterS; everyone hates me, at least i was told
that by their mum. I cant fix billie or my brother. My dad
is not good. To my friends sure. that is it.
fag is not right but to him it is. i dont want any sugar
not from a man. i HATE IT, when this happens for them-
and i was told i was special. i hate that and i am fucking
tired of hating, for them! they can hate themselves, and
then they can be special. my mom can use help BUT if she
cant pick up a phone and ask for help ..i cant do it. NOt
for anyone. God bless you all and everyone else,,i want
to begin to heal.

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#427835 - 03/12/13 08:32 AM Re: triggering and it will piss someone off. [Re: Sterling]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Goran, it is goooood to see you buddy!
Feelings of abandonment, loneliness and isolation are some of the most hurtful and difficult to withstand.
I'm sure you'll find strength for moving and finding your own place.
It is difficult to start new life but stepping out of our comfort zone always brings something news and good.
Please be aware that you are not alone as long s you have friends here wink!

(((Goran)))
_________________________
My story

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