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Hey Life, I'm so sorry for your struggles.
But if you are having a lot of problems and they are emerging while on meds you have to talk with someone because it should be helpful not otherwise.

Your problems are definitely connected to abuse, there is no doubt about it. And please look how to protect yourself, I'm not sure but I think that direct talk would never help if some sadistic monster is at other side. Someone who was capable to abuse child so brutally would not admit...

PTSD, DID, nightmares, flash backs... - it could be good if you could work and talk with someone about trauma healing, even if you don't have T, there are lot of guys here who have a lot of knowledge, there are articles and books also.

I know that must be terrible difficult felt like stuck and not having memories, must be like obsession to find it, but man those other problems are present and if not even driving.

You are not alone, you have many friends here and we all like you and would love to see you feeling better, OK

(((LAD)))

I know I probably don't fully understand your specific family dysfunction but I think I understand somewhat. When I told my mother about the abuse (I was not ready but I felt like she would kick me out for fucking up college so much), I didn't want to tell her who it was, but she was insisant on knowing so I told her it was my brother. Her response was "You know experimentation is normal". She was all ready to support me until she found out it was a family member and then it was total denial. She has kinda supported me but I think she also thinks I'm exaggerating what happened cuz no one in this family could do such a thing.

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In a limited way I can sympathize you as I live at home and am unemployed as well. Secondly, I live in and next door to the house that I was abused in. Lastly, my father is a porn and internet addict with little to no EQ so living with him can be a chore to say the least. Nevertheless, your situation is made much worse by the possibility (or fact) that your father is your abuser. The fact that he and your mother put so much pressure on you to conform to their family model is destructive I am sure. I dated a girl from a very wealthy family back in college whose parents put that kind of pressure on her (she was also an abuse survivor) concerning family and she had inexplicable ulcers at 20. She never questioned them or the pressure put on her by them so instead she suffered physically and psychologically.

Luckily, you can always come here for a sympathetic ear. I would encourage you to also seek out any other individual or group support/therapy you can. I think the most disturbing aspect of your story is the distinct possibility that you are not only still living with your abuser but that he is still attempting to exercise control over your life through money and guilt. I really hope you can find a way out of that living situation as soon as possible but I completely understand how hard that is in general, not to mention if you are living under the weight of all that stress.

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I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. The thing about depression is it doesn't last forever. I know it feels like it will when you are in the middle of it though. Your hypothesis makes perfect sense to me. There are just too many things that point to him. Do your parents still live in the same house as they did when you were a kid? It makes sense that you'd have flashbacks by having to be there again. A girl I know, her step-dad was drunk one time and did something to her, then ended up buying her pretty much anything she ever wanted. So she'd stay quiet I guess? Or maybe to make himself feel less guilty?

I'm sorry you still have to live there. I'm not going to say you should leave, because obviously you would have if you were able to. I'd just try and stay away from both your parents as much as you can. Get a lock for your door. Stay in bed, or just go out and walk around. Being outdoors and walking is supposed to help with depression. (I'm trying this out and i think it really does help). Keep your medication away from him. My family "help" me by keeping all the medicines in the house, even mine, locked away from me, so maybe you have a similar situation? (once I took too much. ONCE!!! They had a total over reaction.) If that's the case then maybe you could tell your doctor you lost your medication and get a new script. Then just keep it somewhere safe and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with the rest of it. It makes me feel really angry he would do that to you. I don't know what medications you are on, but some most of them you're not supposed to mess around with the dose and you're supposed to take them at the same time every day or everything gets messed up. I guess that's what he's trying to do? That's really disturbing. And abusive. I'm sorry I don't really have anything helpful to say. Good luck with your EMDR guy on Monday.

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