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#427454 - 03/08/13 07:05 AM Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice?
Nizar Offline


Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 4
Hello Dear members,

I am looking for fellow members advice on how to be ready for being exposed in an online sexual abuse scenario. How to deal with it emotionally, and how to cope with family/friends and any emotional damage. Of course I realize my situation is much less troublesome than many of the horror stories I have read n that forum, but it is still very hurtful so that's why i would appreciate any advice. Any free online support-groups that i could join?

Story below:

Iím in that unfortunate situation ,a disturbed woman fiend of mine is currently threatening to abuse me by exposing digital recordings of me to everybody I know in case I abandon her or date other women for some time till I finish my study stay in my country. Concerning following through the threat and how, she already copied all my email contacts from my iPhone behind my back after one big fight, then much later
Concerning owning up to the people I know (family/friends) about the crazy situation, its humiliating, specially family and close friends. Many people don't understand and judge or feel disgust from kink or fetishism which is exactly the problem. Mainly its female dominance-or they call it femdom, with me being submissive, following orders, .. etc. which is something that was a fantasy of mine, but lucky me got to realize the hard way that some people don't have the ability to differentiate between fantasy and role-play versus reality. I realize it has been the wrong shit with the wrong person in the wrong time-the stupid way!! Now in her tantrums she keeps saying Iím no longer her friend because I treated her badly when we stopped the kinky stuff, and even if we are not doing it anymore, mentally she sees me as her slave, and I better do what she wants or keep the peace or else I will get punished!! I guess that having kinks isnít something super weird in the west I guess - but I am not totally sure in Eastern cultures, and I think its common but I think specially my native friends home would really be shocked.

Would you or anybody know what kind of legal action can I take if she didn't yet do anything?

For people who donít want to hear the whole story I am mainly looking for help on what to do and what are the options I have. Itís a long story so I will provide it in a separate post: warning> it is long!


Now one of the things I would really want to know is how weird or let me rephrase it how bad would it be if she carries through? That is a MENTAL COMPARISON that keeps going and going in my mind, WHICH IS WORSE?

1) Living the foggy surreal bizaroo world with her and getting alienated fro my friends, or :

2) Getting exposed. Iím currently living the first option, but very terrified by the second one- may be that's why Iím sticking to what i already know and hoping it doesn't get worse, and maybe when Iím gone from this country to anywhere else she will let me go peacefully without any further threats of abuse or emotional blackmail. I am in a critical stage in my studies and career (PhD last year)- thesis defense coming in 6 months so life is already super hectic and very stressful, and lonely in a foreign country; and that's why I am maybe taking the crap hoping this nightmare will end soon with minimal damage.

>I don't know if I am right or wrong and which decision to take, I am really depressed and have dark thoughts, its surreal, and is never ending, I feel so stupid, and while I acknowledge my stupidity , I still think I donít deserve that amount of craziness, abuse, and misery. Next thing to do is I will look up what are the legal options I have.

Thank you very much and sorry for the long story.

Nizar

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#427458 - 03/08/13 07:32 AM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey man, I'm very sorry for situation that is happening to you frown
I've never been in such exact situation (but I've had one problematic relationship) and based on my experience I would look for legal options that I have at my hands.
It would be good if I could get any mails, messages or any such evidence where she behave in demanding and abusive manner or where she threatened to expose my intimacy to third persons.
It could be more than important to have it if there will be some legal action.
In any case I would look to exit such abusive relationship under any terms.
Abusive people are doing everything to control victims by blackmails, fears, terror, they make victim fragile and vulnerable by isolating her/him from family/friends so they don't have additional support, if they could they will everything to make victim dependent in financial and any other matter.
Having interesting sex is one thing, but being exposed to toxicity of such abusive person is completely different.
It seems like you are caught in such situation and your main interest should be to protect self and move out of it.

I hope some other survivors could add more advices.

I've been in relationship where my girlfriend was more than demanding and trying to control every aspect of my life and precisely to move me form all my friends and arrange everything to her will. I finished it when I lost my nervous and when I found that open and honest dialogue is not possible with person who is lead by own demons. It took me more than two years just to think to have something with another person after that.
Please fight for yourself!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427460 - 03/08/13 07:45 AM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
Nizar Offline


Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 4
Hello Pero,

Thank you for the advice man, I already looked up the legal options I have in hand,and I think I can sue her for blackmail for now, but I am giving her a chance to sane up before doing so. and in case she went through with the threat of exposing my private recordings, I can sue her big time for a civil compensation- a big amount of money. Actually I am not looking for the legal advice as I know that only a lawyer can help with that, I am mainly looking for psychological strategies with coping with the fear of exposure, and the process of damage minimization after the abuse is done which i believe is the main expertise of fellow members here due to their unfortunate experiences of abuse. So any thoughts or advice about the mental aspect of the fear of abuse and how to deal with it after it happen (exposure of private sexual content) would really be helpful.

Cheers

Nizar

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#427464 - 03/08/13 08:05 AM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Well if I would be in your position I would look to re-establish connection to one or two best friends (or family members) even if they are abroad. I would need to have someone to talk to and someone whom I could disclose in full and especially to whom I could talk about my current situation/problem.

I would look how to ground my self from that surreal bizaroo world as you named it, it could help me to have some outdoor activity like jogging or some other exercising on regular basis - to keep me focused.
Also anything that builds my confidence should be done on daily basis: doing things that I like, going out, helping others, playing with my nephews - it could be anything...


If I'm correct dealing with all damage that has left from some abusive relationship could be done after such relationship is over. So I'm not sure is it possible to look fragmentary on just one aspect (fear) of one abusive relationship and while you are in it. It could be easily that you are already under it's impact.

At the moment you are doing great thing by sharing your story and talking about it. Put all secrets aside and let it out trough talks and writings.

Something like that would help me to feel less powerless under such situation.


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427499 - 03/08/13 05:25 PM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6597
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Nizar
Hello Pero,

Thank you for the advice man, I already looked up the legal options I have in hand,and I think I can sue her for blackmail for now, but I am giving her a chance to sane up before doing so. and in case she went through with the threat of exposing my private recordings, I can sue her big time for a civil compensation- a big amount of money. Actually I am not looking for the legal advice as I know that only a lawyer can help with that, I am mainly looking for psychological strategies with coping with the fear of exposure, and the process of damage minimization after the abuse is done which i believe is the main expertise of fellow members here due to their unfortunate experiences of abuse. So any thoughts or advice about the mental aspect of the fear of abuse and how to deal with it after it happen (exposure of private sexual content) would really be helpful.

Cheers

Nizar


You won't likely be "suing her" for blackmail. Its a crime first. What she has already done is arrestable offense. That is, just threatening to do it the crime of "extortion." If multiple states are involved or cross-boarder activity, it likely falls under the jurisdiction of the FBI. I would report it to them anyway.

AND given that your family and friends live across state-lines, you ought to contact the FBI.

You need to make a rapid and reasonable effort to stop her if this is all going to sit well with a Federal judge, jury and civil court once you DO sue her.

Also, the act of recording such conversations, digital imagery etc can be heavy offenses in and of themselves.

If you are serious about stopping her, I would highly recommend you don't dick-around with this and move swiftly and deliberately with law enforcement.
_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#427549 - 03/09/13 02:52 AM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
Nizar Offline


Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 4
Hello Still, thank you for the advice, but maybe I failed to mention that we are not actually living in the states, we live in Japan. So the laws are diff. but they still have harassment laws and everything.

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#427768 - 03/11/13 06:57 PM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
good luck with that


Edited by Tyr (03/11/13 07:13 PM)
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#427806 - 03/11/13 11:09 PM Re: Online sexual abuse & emotional blackmail! advice? [Re: Nizar]
Nizar Offline


Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 4
Thank you Tyr.

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