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#427525 - 03/08/13 09:38 PM Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings"
SouthernLaw Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
I am a 39 year old male. A classic over achiever, alcoholic and addict. Last year I was contacted by the Discovery Channel concerning myself, one friend who took his life and another friend who is in prison for killing is entire family. What the three of us have in common..... our abuser. I hate that word "abuser". Also I can not stomach "survivor" or "molestation".

Since speaking with the investigative reporter my life has spiraled out of control. The alcohol and drugs even turned against me and began to amplify the chaotic emotions that shake my inner core. I have lost everything; both businesses, my cars, my homes, lots of friends, some of my family and almost my own life.

I have been sober since December 25, 2012. I even completed treatment in Serenity Park. I have found a home group and obtained a sponsor but even given all this........ I am emotionally sick! Nightmares are back, smells and sounds trigger memories and what makes me SCREAM on the inside..... I miss the affection of the man who violently raped me but also compassionately loved me from 8 to 14.

GOD!!!! THAT ONE SENTENCE ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO DRINK AND USE. I dont know if I am straight or gay. I have had sex with both women and men. When missing "him" consumes me with loneliness I need the embrace of a man make me feel whole. I cant even masturbate without thinking of an older man lovingly touching me.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?? The agony of my misery is over whelming. I know that death is not my only answer but I have no other one to lean on. Asking for help is not my forte but I am BEGGING for something. I just do not know what that is any longer.
_________________________
_________________________
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

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#427529 - 03/08/13 10:54 PM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3598
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello and welcome to Male survivor!
Firstly congratulations on being sober, man you achieved a lot, just proceed like that!
You are at right place, many of us are confused with sexuality and intimacy, many of us are addicted and have problems with some sort of compulsive behaviors and you are not alone.
It is like big family for me wink

Please don't be hard on yourself. We have been introduced to sexuality when we were kids, it changed us a lot, it colored our world more than should be as we were kids, not fully mature persons and not capable to understand it.
I personally stayed like closed and frozen in time. Still trying to look on world trough the same eyes of small boy. Still confused and kind of lost - thirty year later.
It is terrible difficult to move mentally as many memories are held in us, so ups and downs are common, feelings of being stretched between present and past, between love and abuse...

It was very brave from you to reach and to come here. Just keep searching, I'm sure answers are near!
Healing is possible!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#427531 - 03/08/13 11:29 PM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
Hey Southern.

I completely understand where you're coming from. You are not alone and your pain is my pain.

Send me a PM and we can talk about this more. There's hope for us. Don't give up on yourself.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#427535 - 03/09/13 12:13 AM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome Southern,

Please know you are not alone in your struggles, your feelings, your pain and your life story.

Getting sober is HUGE for us addicts who were abused: IMHO.

Sobriety gives me a fellowship of men and women who are trying to face their problems and live a better life. People who admit that their own ways of trying to cope with life all failed.

We all deserve love, compassion affection, and intimacy.

Being abused really tangled all this up for me and confused my sexuality. The abuse damaged my ability to be intimate on several levels (emotional, physical, sexual) and set me up for a difficult life of trying to escape my pain, figure things out alone, and hide my shame and failures.

I admire your honesty and the courage it took to share in your first post: that honesty and courage will be your path towards healing and recovery. The 12 steps are all about taking stock honestly, uncovering faulty core beliefs and fears, sharing what we find, and finding some higher power who can restore us to sanity.

As for the sex stuff, just like the binge drinking and all my other coping skills, I found that abstaining completely gives me a chance to "re-wire" my brain/untangle the confusion/give me clarity about myself, my life, my choice, and the freedom to pursue a better future.

So make yourself at home here, live a life sober one day at a time, and learn to take care of yourself in ways that honestly and TRULY affirm and sustain you.

Again, welcome to the second half of your life. There is a lot of hope to be had and joy to be experienced.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#427536 - 03/09/13 12:15 AM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
by the way, my favorite saying about feelings is "f**k feelings!!!"-which is my way of saying I don't like to feel them, but that I choose to do the hard work of being honest, vulnerable, and walking thru some tough stuff WITH SUPPORT.

You don't have to do any of this alone. I hope your sponsor and others in recovery can teach you that in safe and positive ways.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#427546 - 03/09/13 01:19 AM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
SouthernLaw Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
Buck

You made me cry. Thank you for reaffirming what I hear in the meetings. I have not heard anyone speak of this type of past in the meetings. Thank you.
_________________________
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

Top
#428627 - 03/21/13 06:27 PM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
gottymeguy Offline


Registered: 09/24/10
Posts: 35
Hey man,

Glad you found this site. As with everyone here, sorry to hear what happened to you, but know that we are all here to support you and each other. With the help you are already receiving, and hopefully also with the folks on here, we can help each other through the process and turn from survivors, into thrivers.

PM me if you ever need anything.

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#428642 - 03/21/13 09:25 PM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 283
Loc: MO
Dear Southern

When I was early in sobriety, I was taken aside and told that "we don't talk about that here," Well I do and anyone of us who doesn't share with someone will not heal. I have had sexual abuse situations at 11, 12, 13, 14, and 16. These included experiences that I now know were incest. I have been ejaculated on, photographed, orally raped, anally raped, etc. etc.

I am sorry for your loss. Although I have been sober over 20 years and in therapy and on meds all this time. I have not yet accepted that the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I experienced in my family of origin as a loss. I am at least finally aware that these were losses,

After all if you never had a childhood, how could you loose what you never had.
In my third year of sobriety, the IRS audited me, my wife through me out of the house, she kept the house, My daughter was molested, my oldest boy got his throat slit (missed hi jugular by 1/2 inch he lived).

I really lived in the delusion that I did not have to be human. I could be a machine and not have to feel my pain, I now know that is not a choice and I am now having to experience my emotions and acknowledge the experiences as losses.

This is a slow and difficult process, I go for years at a time with out sex and unlike you I never had any real kindness from my most frequent abuser, so I don't think of him when I masturbate.

What I know is we are safe here, we each have different lives and we all are just the same.

Welcome

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#429546 - 03/30/13 03:02 AM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
SouthernLaw Offline


Registered: 12/30/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
Hey Guys

My sponsor located a tDoc in my area that specializes in CSA. I was so floored that he had made me an appointment, I actually keep it. First and foremost, I do not want to be the person the tDoc identified but truth be told... I already am that person. I still do not know if I find comfort in the fact that the tDoc had a "label" for my actions and thoughts but I can admit that I CLEARLY SEE my recovery from addictions and "recovery" from my past must go hand in hand.
_________________________
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

Top
#429552 - 03/30/13 06:44 AM Re: Recovering Alcoholic Addict living with "feelings" [Re: SouthernLaw]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3598
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey SouthernLaw,
good to hear about your progress, just proceed like that.
I'll have you in my prayers.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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