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#427680 - 03/10/13 07:29 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 700
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Edited by concerned_husky (Yesterday at 03:54 AM)
Edit Reason: Carrots.

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#427794 - 03/11/13 09:49 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 428
Loc: NY
Concerned Husky:

I too have had a difficult and complicated relationship with my mother with ongoing sexual overtones and various kinds of boundary crossings.

Your perspective on her life and what she may have gone through seems wise and naturally can urge one to feel forgiveness. But as Robert Karen writes in "The Forgiving Self", forgiving involves going through a lot of feelings.

What impresses me about your post is that you have access to a range of feelings. I find that it is powerful to acknowledge all of them, because for so many years I tried to live up to expectations of feeling only the ones that seemed appropriate. No More! That was so debilitating.

As an adult male who wants to be in a good relationship, I think emotional literacy can be hard work but it also pays off big (a recommended gamble!). First, in staying in touch with myself. Second, in being able to be present with other people.

Forgiveness, like healing, seems like a process to me. I think going at one's own pace helps the right instincts arise. You may find that confronting works better in some ways more than others.

Last year I led my mother through a conversation about my take on why we are so "anxious around each other" Then she burst out and said, "a mother should be able to touch her child any way she wants!". This was such a good affirmation for me, because she had never actually said it so clearly before.

Now I use that as more of a baseline for our emotional and physical relationship. Reciprocity is not easy to explain to people, but you can remind them that how you receive something is just as important as how it is given.

Reading over what I've written here, it's pretty easy to see where I might have gotten the idea that some feelings shouldn't be felt. Sadly, she is still learning that for herself.

Hope to hear more from you as your journey continues.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#427863 - 03/12/13 01:54 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 700
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Edited by concerned_husky (Yesterday at 03:54 AM)
Edit Reason: Carrots.

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#427934 - 03/13/13 02:54 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 700
.


Edited by concerned_husky (Yesterday at 03:53 AM)
Edit Reason: Carrots.

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#428271 - 03/16/13 11:12 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 428
Loc: NY
concerned husky:

Sorry to hear of the painful 180. Yes, those moments of "how did that happen again" can be really awful.

As you have said before, expecting others to change can be difficult. And the feeling of poison, well let's just say that is all to common for me. There were days that after seeing my mother when I stood outside the gym and couldn't go in because I didn't want to feel my body. It can take a few days to work the toxicity through to the point of a fuller realization of the dynamic in all its dimensions.

These dynamics go back so far that sometimes they go beyond words. Sometimes opening up the frame even bigger can help you gain a more empowered perspective. With my Mom, it can be actions which on the surface seem rational but all in all are indicative of a dynamic that in the end only I can see. This includes ways in which she creates a sense of exclusivity in our relationship, talks to me as if I were my father, wants to be my friend and not my mother, or wants to sneak away with me when I need to get something done. While I can't confront her directly on these all the time, being both vigilant and curious about the behavior keeps me out of the danger zone.

Is there any way you can slowly reconstruct and replay what happened and look for where it all caved in? I think sensing the "false security and strength" is a familiar theme. Question it until you are ready to let go of it. Then you might see her for who she is again. You may find that if you are confident that will you give yourself a little more space to listen, you can get a better handle on the being "lured in".

Hope this helps some in staying on the safer path to healing and growth.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#428623 - 03/21/13 04:59 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 700
.


Edited by concerned_husky (Yesterday at 03:53 AM)
Edit Reason: Carrots.

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#428796 - 03/23/13 06:01 AM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I've been reading this in relation to my relationship with my mother. While it is not overtly sexual it could easily be described as covert incest.
Quote:
This includes ways in which she creates a sense of exclusivity in our relationship, talks to me as if I were my father, wants to be my friend and not my mother, or wants to sneak away with me when I need to get something done.


That sums it up pretty well.

Thanks Focusedboby and concerned-husky for discussing this publicly. It has helped me a lot. The other thing I couldn't help realising which was HUGE. Is that I have similar problems with my brothers who did SA me when I was younger. To me it seems like these same toxic type relationships may be common in all incestuous relationships.

I find myself realising that I need to set boundries with all my family members to protect myself.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#428929 - 03/24/13 02:04 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 700
.


Edited by concerned_husky (Yesterday at 03:53 AM)
Edit Reason: Carrots.

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