It's a long one
Yesterday my T had me discuss a situation with ME. I was to tell the ME, who sat on the end of sofa, exactly how I saw this scenario unfold and that is what I did.
"Bill," I said, "what are you thinking? Your instinct is telling you that this person is breaching your boundaries, and has for 6 months now. It began in an inappropriate setting and it continues even unto today. You have said No in so many ways and that NO has been ignored. Just what are you thinking? Listen to your instincts! If you had done so the last time, that rape(s) may not have happened."
As I sat in my chair looking at ME on the sofa, I teared up. If I had listened to my instincts, I may not have had this extra burden to carry. So here I go with the story
Well, I actually just deleted the story. But I think I can summarize it quickly by just declaring my rights as an individual. And here it is... I have the right to not be sexually harassed in my quest for medical treatment. I most certainly do! And you guys have helped remind me of this.
I needed short term medical treatment 6 months ago. The attending physician divided my treatment into two segments. One, injections for pain. Two, physcal therapy. The p t involved the upper body and neck regions. Including touching of the mouth, facial areas, etc. No one touches my face, etc, without my permission ever again for obvious reasons.
Dreaded it, but it did help. Okay. Now the embarrassing part. I was a patient in this health facility for approx 6 months. For medical treatment. Just remember that, okay. Medical treatment. Not for compliments, not for a hook up, not for anything other than medical treatments. I was experiencing debilitating migraines that sent me to bed for days.... a massive headache doesn't leave much room for thoughts of getting it on with someone.... the physician even thought i was having ischemic strokes because of the numbness and pain... and I had the testing to rule that out... It was pretty traumatic for me, honestly, and I was scared for a while.
A couple of the team members there began to flirt with me, headache and all. Then the remarks started. I was stretched out on the table one day and the person actually said, "I bet you are never rejected, are you?" And, "I have a crush on someone in the office today, but I can't tell you who". WTF? "And who are you dating?" . .. This can't be happening, seriously. I am a funny guy, but I am also shy and reserved with my remarks. I wanted to feel flattered so badly, but I am so threatened by the attention because its just so not right in a so not right setting. Here I am seeking medical treatment, and I sort feel like a sexual object again. Hell, I don't just feel like a sexual object, I am one. In pain and vulnerable. I am vulnerable again. Such a weird feeling to think about it like that. I may be triggering myself this evening. Damn.
I even endured the embarassment of having the nurse who took my vitals one visit in a private room tell me how much the other individual cared for me and that I should be asking that person out on a date... really, like I am a third grader. Like I haven't experienced life...yatta, yatta, yatta... really?
I discharged myself form the P T treatments in Dec. I continued with the physician so I could receive the injections. Low and behold, I began receiving text messages from the employee of this HEALTH facility. Almost like stalking, except boring retired teachers are not stalked! Each subsequent one, a little more invasive and bold. And hinting. I used the words NO and NOPE and I AM TOO OLD and etc... I EVEN said I was "f***ed" up in the spirit and in THERAPY for gods sake..... I told this fuckin stranger I was in THERAPY and my NO STILL WASN'T HEARD... I did say NO.
I feel threatened and offended and sexualized. Hard to believe a guy would think that I guess. Then I realized after my T session yesterday, it is really about me right now. I need to heal. I need to be whole. And if my instincts tell me this is inappropriate from the moment of its subtle beginnings, then it is not appropriate.
I called the clinic this morning and cancelled my appointment for next week. I'll find another clinic. I sent a note to the other person expressing how uncomfortable the entire scenario had made me as a patient. That boundary was not recognized and I have received two more notes. WTF? I am thinking about filing a report of some kind with someone, but all I know is that it is physician owned. Should I wait to see if contact stops or should I talk to the physician or should I seek out a standards board and file a complaint? I honestly don't know. I just want it to go away...thinking on that, its the same thing I say about this healing and the rape and the CSA... I just want it to go away.
But the good deal is that I stood up and said I was uncomfortable. I am listening to my instincts. And I did something that actively takes care of me- the boy, the man, and the spirit.
And as always, I can't help but to inject some humor into a rather triggering situation for me ... so this afternoon I look into the mirror and I literally say, "Yes, guy, I would do you... but she can't, 'cause you have control".. ...'sides, the pendulum has swung to left.
Thank you T, and thank you MS. I am claiming control over my body... at least for now.
Never in a kazillion years in 2013 would it be appropriate for a female to receive this sort of harassment while receiving medical treatment. Never. Why would they think it would be okay for a male to be treated this way?
"...and in the distance, I saw that which had brought me here."