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#427498 - 03/08/13 05:19 PM Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
I'm posting on the forum because I need a wider audience for an idea that's probably somewhat offensive, and that will probably trigger angry reactions. I guess I just need to speak my mind and have some feedback to bounce off of.

My perpetrator was my mother (I feel guilty even being on here because the abuse wasn't overtly sexual, but that will require another post entirely). To keep it short, she fondled me when I was around 5, formed a relationship with me that can be basically described as covert emotional incest, slept with me between from 14-20 (caressing, kissing, stroking etc. though there was no sex and she never touched my penis/genitals). It's messed up my sexuality (though it's better than it was before), made me prone to panic/anxiety attacks, dissociated etc. I'm still financially dependent on my parents so I still have to face her back home, and when I do there's plenty of emotional abuse, manipulation, and seductive behavior.

To the point now - my thought today was I need to forgive her in order to move on. And for me, forgiving means accepting that things couldn't have been otherwise. I know she was abused in her childhood as well, by strangers (men) and beaten by her mother, probably by her father as well. All that, I think, translates to her behavior and for her abuse of me. I don't think forgiving means relinquishing my anger, which is justified - a mother does NOT treat her son as a husband, partner, an object for physical (and it was probably sexual too, for her) gratification. But I'd like to replace my hatred with forgiveness. And I need to be more assertive - defend my boundaries when I'm with her, and be clear about how I feel and think about certain things, and defend those boundaries/thoughts/feelings.

I guess the most difficult thing for me at the moment is, I feel sorry for her. It was mostly bad memories, the ones I have of my parents - but there were some moments when I thought my mother and father showed genuine expressions of love for me, and those kill me. I want to hate but I can't. So I can't give my hatred the weight it needs in terms of expression - I have to suppress it and pretend like everything's fine. But I'm really exhausted of doing it and I can't keep pretending, so I need a plan B. I suppose I need to stop wishing that they'd change for the better too, because if they've been behaving that way for so long and rationalizing/blaming/minimizing things for decades on end, it's pretty delusional to think that they can stop. Just accept them for the abusers/bystanders that they are, and work on self-assertion/-defense to reduce and prevent further damage.
_________________________
Husky

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#427501 - 03/08/13 05:40 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I am really impressed and inspired by your desire to find forgiveness for your mother.

It was not until I turned 39 that I realized that my carrying anger towards my mom for very similar things as you described was only helping to further HER story; her sense of being a victim.

As long as I carried anger in my heart towards her, she could play the victim of my anger. It didn't matter how justified the anger was; she just continued playing her role in her life, which is to be the victim.

I chose to let go of the anger and have been working on letting go of it since. Forgiveness is a major part of that.

Kudos to you dude. Keep going.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#427504 - 03/08/13 05:50 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Thanks Magellan, I appreciate it. It's good to know someone's having the same thoughts during these bumpy times. Good luck to you.
_________________________
Husky

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#427511 - 03/08/13 06:27 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
Benthebeaver Offline


Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Germany
Same as Magellan said, I think it's just an admirable attitude. I'm also impressed by how clearly you're seeing all those things..seems like you're on a really good way. I wish you the best to make it real.
_________________________
If we're not entirely ourselves, truly in this present moment, we'll miss everything.

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#427513 - 03/08/13 07:13 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Thanks Ben. I really think it's easier said than done like most things, but I'll try my best to keep it real.
_________________________
Husky

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#427515 - 03/08/13 07:30 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL
Hello Concerned Husky! I don't understand why you would expect anger from others for anything you said. If anything, I find your attitude quite inspirational and healthy. It takes a very strong person to come to the conclusions you've come to and to forgive, even when those you have to forgive are the ones that brought you into this world.

It's not quite the same thing, but I can relate to some of what you're saying because of my issues with my father. No, my father did not sexually abuse me in any way but in the earlier part of my childhood he was physically and emotionally abusive. (My CSA was not from parents/family.) In my preteen years he started to mellow out a lot but I was still TERRIFIED of him. The T I went to in my late teens thought it was essential that I confront him about his old abusive behaviors but I never did and never have, to this day. I spent a lot of years secretly hating him but have since learned to forgive, even without having confronted him. Only in recent years would I say he and I have a "good father-son relationship" and I am now 38. Forgiveness is possible, and is healthy, I think.

Having said all that, I'm not going to say confronting your mother is a bad idea. It may be the best thing you could possibly do but that doesn't mean it's 100% necessary. Also, there is always the chance it could backfire and that she could react with nothing but anger and denial. You probably know her better than almost anyone though, so you probably already know how strong a possibility such a reaction is. If you think a severely negative reaction is a strong possibility, then quiet forgiveness is probably the best path, if you can ultimately get to it. Good luck. Stay strong. Peace.

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (03/08/13 07:33 PM)

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#427517 - 03/08/13 08:05 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Thanks Ken.

It's good to hear you have a better relationship with your father now.

About confrontation - it is certainly not an easy task and it does backfire. I've actually confronted my mother on this issue before (and with my father), but she brushed it off as 'maternal love' - as you suggested she might. Which brings me back to the conclusion - as painful as it is, sometimes rather than trying to change someone, wishing they'd change or hoping to change someone, it's better to just accept them for who they are and work on self-assertion/-defense.

Good luck with your recovery.
_________________________
Husky

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#427532 - 03/08/13 11:37 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Haha...you think YOU'RE going to incur the ire of others, husky? I'll toss in my two cents' (and probably watch the sparks fly)...a Plan B, if you will.

My background with the bitchmother (as I'm calling her this month) was physical, verbal and emotional abuse that pretty much delivered me to my high school guidance counselor perp.

First, what concerns me is your financial dependence on her which, imo, sets you up for ongoing emotional blackmail. You've mentioned "emotional abuse, manipulation...." It's not unlike what my step-sister encountered as an abused spouse and all the fears about having to struggle on her own. Simply, your situation is not healthy, more likely destructive, you've recognized it and recognized the effect it's having on you. Two suggestions, if you can. First, get out of the situation. Second, get started with a T...even one in your school environment. At least you probably have that. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. Extricating yourself from the situation may be difficult because the pain is familiar and, yeah, comfortable. Anything else is a huge, scary unknown.

Secondly, a response to one of your earlier posts mentioned Gamblers Anonymous. I'll second that suggestion. At the least I'd encourage you to get involved with them as a portal to other recovery. To me, it sounds like the gambling is a way to keep punishing yourself and keep you tied to the situation. It isn't uncommon for many of us to feel we somehow "deserve" to be punished and that's one way to do it.

Third, best I could ever do with "forgiveness" was, like you, to at least have an understanding of the dynamic. Today I see her as a small, insecure, pathetic, angry woman who's incapable of change and who, frankly, doesn't deserve my companionship, how ever furious it's made her and fed her martyrdom. I've done much better without that awful woman in my life. Surprisingly, too, I've recently reconnected with some relatives who have confirmed my impressions and who support me unconditionally.


(So much for me taking the month off the boards, but sometimes I run into something).

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#427559 - 03/09/13 08:57 AM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Husky

I know, I have vivid memories of that sort of thing, but it stopped when I was 10 or 11. Then the others took over till I was 19, men and woman.
I had to make the decision, forgive or live with hatred in my heart till I die. I forgave, I tried to talk to her about what she had done but DeNile, is not just a river in africa. Denial denial, and I dont know what you talking about, thats all I got. So what do I do, I realized that she was probably hurt as a child and she doesnt want to talk about it, and the fact that she was unable to control herself because of the past. I cant blame her entirely for what happened. I forgave, she knows that I know and she can come to me before she passes and say sorry, or not, either way I have let it go and choose to live my life to the full.
I hope this help you brother, and BTW there was nothing controversial about your post, there are many that have endured this, you are not alone.

Heal well
Martin
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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#427590 - 03/09/13 03:33 PM Re: Abused by Mother, and Forgiveness [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
hey guys - thanks for your responses.

Lancer - you're right about my situation being destructive at the moment. At least, I'm in a different country from where they are now, and I don't see them often, just get pestered to keep up correspondence in e-mail etc. It seems like the more I ignore my mother, the more 'sick' she gets, mentally and physically - but if it's coming down to me or her in terms of survival, eventually I'm going to pick myself. Obviously the guilt-tripping card is played, but I don't fall for that anymore. I know it's not my responsibility to care for her - that's my dad's, that's why she married him. Also, I happen to live in Austria at the moment, and frankly therapy in German is a difficult proposition, so I'm making do now with reading articles and books I've found myself on this topic and processing/recovering this way. Finally, I am slowly starting to embrace to your attitude too - that my mother is incapable of change, and that she doesn't deserve me.

Martin - denial was pretty much what I got as well when I confronted my mother about the abuse. 'Maternal love' she called it, or she blamed it on me, having been weak and 'needing' affection. I understand from you now that just because I forgive, it doesn't mean that I have to surrender my companionship/time too.

Again, thanks for the responses guys. All the best with your healing.
_________________________
Husky

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