dear survivors,

i would like to ask what to tell a small boy (say from 6 to 8) when he tells you that someone did something to him which comes under sexual abuse?

then later on, besides therapy, how do you help this still small boy to understand all the things that come with the abuse so that he can still have a chance from the beginning to develop into a normal adult without all the problems that come from the abuse that was done to him?

its clear to me and any other normal person that the perp is reported and all that outside stuff, but i am talking about the boy himself.

so i am askng this here. i would like to ask you to think about it and think in a way...say you HAD told what happened to you when you were small, then what would have helped you to hear? what would have helped you not to develop one or the other problems later?

i am sorry if this is hard to think or painful and it hurts when you tried to tell but noone listened or did anything. i am also sorry if you feel bad answering this or thinking this, if you have not tried to tell because you felt there is noone who could be told. i am also sorry if you have not tried to tell because you were scared and for all the other reasons.
but i really need to know that because over here where abuse is totally no topic ever in public and not also in the education, i want to achieve that kids in their first school years get educated on this. but i need to be prepared as well as possible because when i did this at a higher school age in classes last year, i had 14 kids coming forward within two weeks. but now its about the smaller ones. what if they come forward. what are the right things to say/do?

thank you
ela

Ela,

Paramount to the Boy who tells is immediate support of his decision.

Disclosure of Sexual Conduct is shaming. He is violating secrets, and agreements the abuser has put in place to silence him. Disclosure of victimization places him in awareness of his powerlessness. Disclosure of his shame and anguish includes self awareness and pain. Understand that the truth is so horrible that dissociation is common, lies are common, denial is common, and self harm is common. A Goth teen who presents with cutting mutilation in response to sexual victimization isn't cutting because they were victimized, the reality of their internal processes is such that they respond with self harm to shame. Similarly the boy will experience self disgust, anger at powerlessness, pain and loss of self esteem. Protect him, not by punishing the abuser, but by lifting up his decision to tell. Explain that shame has no place in this. Explain that the abuser was the one responsible for the abuse. Check for his understanding of self worth and empower him to rise above his abuse.

Damage from CSA is not linear nor static. Two boys who suffer the exact same circumstances in CSA have different degrees of damage based on how they view their CSA. Internally tortured boys don't often know who to turn to or how. Make sure that they understand they are believed, loved, cared for, and protected.

They must be affirmed for telling. They must be shown that telling was the right thing to do. They must have appropriate responses to the abuse modeled so they know how to feel and how to act about their abuse. They will also need some counseling. But PARAMOUNT, make sure they know they were Right to tell.

Re-affirm the identity and worth of the boy. Model appropriate responses to the situation on his part and on your part. Explain that to feel bad about it is normal and not uncommon. Damage incurred from sexual abuse is not static nor is it linear. Many of the children will sustain more and more damage as they deal with the reality of their abuse. As they age they will not be immune. Many of them revisit the shameful secrets of their past as they mature. Dealing with ongoing trauma as it comes up and continuing to affirm them and their worth reinforces their correct action in disclosure.

Protect them from the abuser immediately. Protect them from incorrect assumptions about their worth immediately. Validate them NOW. They need to know that their voice counted.

I was silenced by my abuser. I was silenced by my family too. I was told not to talk about it because no one wanted to hear about it. I was taught to be ashamed of it and that it was my fault.

G

bodyguard, thank you very much! this gives me a very good insight how the kids feel and what they go thru when they talk. and thank you also for your strong statements.

i am also sorry for the way your abuser shut you up, literally taught you that it was your fault. that f...perp knew very well whose fault it was and he just added to the confusion. horrible!

i will do the best i can and for me counts that ANY kid tells me that it was abused, i know for sure that a kid never lies about something like that, cause kids do everything to look and feel normal and disclosing an abuse clearly is out of that. so this means it just has to be true. plus kids dont know sexual things like adults do and they must have learnt it somewhere, the wrong way, far too early.

thank you bodyguard,
ela

Knowledge is Power. My son and nephew Loved this site, movie, and books when they were brave enough to talk.

http://www.yellodyno.com/

It is also very important to let the children know that it is NEVER their fault. I also explained the "Grooming" process to help them Believe that it was not their fault.

Ela,

I've thought about your question, and tried to compose an answer based on my experiences at the time as well as based on seeing how my abuse affected me later in life. Before formulating a response, it's important to realize that this is a difficult thing to do, reveal the secret. The boy is telling you this because he trusts you and believes in you. Your response has huge implications in the healing process. Your words can set the boy on the right path of healing, or, if the initial answers are off base, can lead to long term damage. Please respect the faith the boy has placed in you and be compassionate in your response. The initial response needs to be affirming that the boy did the right thing in telling. This is a confusing time for the boy. He is confused about what happened. Often times the abuser intimidates the boy into keeping it secret, saying things like other adults don't understand or that bad things will happen if he tells. Therefore, it's a sign that the boy truly trusts that adult to whom he reveals the secret. That's why it is so important to say that he did the right thing in telling. It's also necessary to tell the boy that he is safe. No one will hurt him, nor his family, despite what the abuser may have said. Other comments which are important for the boy to hear are that he is a good boy, and the fact that this happened doesn't mean he's bad. It's not his fault that this happened. He didn't do anything bad or he didn't cause it. It's also important to tell the boy that what happened isn't an act of love. His perp was not trying to show him that he loved him. It's important that you don't say he was trying to hurt him either. It's a mistake to say that the perp is a bad man. Often the perp is an adult the boys loves, respects or admires. It's very confusing to hear that someone you love is bad, because that reaffirms the belief that the boy is bad. After all, if you love a bad guy, that means that you are bad too. It's not necessary to say that the perp will be punished, only that the abuse will stop and the boy will be safe.

Along with the content of your responses, it's important that your actions along with your words support the boy. Don't interrogate him. Refrain from asking a lot of pressing questions. The boy is wrestling with a lot of demons at this time. He needs to be safe and protected, and coming at him strong with lots of questions will undermine the belief he's safe. Just say things like - " It's good to see you" or something like that. Just be patient and supportive. At times, saying nothing is the best thing.

Regardless of how supportive you may be, please remember that long term consequences will likely occur. The boy may withdraw from society and lose interest in things he previously enjoyed. His schoolwork may suffer. He may have trouble getting along with others. All of these are common results of CSA. Its important to remain patient. Sometimes, survivors don't like to be singled out, like being called on to give an answer. Anything which results in all eyes being on the boy can be devastating.

I guess, it's important to realize that not every victim will respond the same. The best thing to do is reiterate that the boy is safe and it's the end of the abuse.

Thanks
DavOswim