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#427439 - 03/08/13 03:22 AM What if you knew long ago?
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Im


Edited by mkn10 (07/14/13 12:04 AM)

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#427443 - 03/08/13 03:52 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
It is a very difficult question to answer.

I was lucky in that I did not land myself up in an abusive relationship. However, if I was in the type of relationship that you have just described I don't think I would of stayed. I think you are currently at risk and should not be abused (only verbally for now)in this way.

Yes, he is a survivor but he is becoming an abuser. You sound very supportive but unless he takes a step towards recovery he will never heal.

I know it is not easy to hear this but get out while you can.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#427463 - 03/08/13 08:03 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: Rosemary]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 611
Loc: where the shadows lie
Originally Posted By: Rosemary


I know it is not easy to hear this but get out while you can.


As a survivor, I think I have to agree with this. I hate when people talk about survivors as "damaged goods" and impossible to have a relationship with. That very much depends on the person. I've heard people say "your husband was abused? He'll drain you, get out!" That is incredibly unfair.

But this situation is different. The issue here is not really about what happened to him, but rather how he is dealing with it. You deserve to be with someone who thinks you are special. You deserve to be with someone who will keep promises. You deserve to be with someone who will not threaten you. You deserve to be with someone who is not verbally abusive.

You may love him, but abusive relationships only lead to two unhealthy people. That is not going to help him.

I would suggest that if nothing else, YOU go see a therapist. The cycle the two of you are in is a bad one, and while getting help and considering leaving is hard, keeping things the way they are is only going to cause more pain for *both* of you in the long run. If you care about him, take care of yourself.
_________________________


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#427497 - 03/08/13 05:12 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
So I can relate to some of your situation. I'm 28 and have been with my H for 5 years. Drinking has always been an issue for him. However when I. Look back over the last 5 years he has made loads of progress and the drinking has slowed way down. However H has never called me names for used the f*ck word with me. I'm pretty positive he has never cheated. We live in a small town and if he did it would get back to me. He is just now starting to mention his csa to friends and admit how much it has impacted him.
But despite all the progress it is still hard as hell. I'm a survivor who went through years of therapy before meeting H. When I met him I was pretty sure he had been abused but kept it to myself. I figured with my background I. Would handle things just fine. Haha yeah well I feel like I bit off more than I can chew a lot of the time.
So to answer your question if I. Could go back in time and choose a different guy would I.? Most days I. Say no but somedays I. Find myself asking what the f*ck was I thinking? I love H with all I have but sometimes I feel like its not enough. And if H ever became or had been abusive towards me in anyway I would have left him. No question in my mind yes I would run. To me your situation sounds totally abusive. If I were you I would have been gone awhile ago.
But hey I. Can't tell you how to live your life. I. Feel that living with survivor who is making progress is very painful at times but can be worth it. However living with one who refuses to grow is impossible and destructive for you as well. If you leave it doesn't mean you don't love him it just means that you love yourself too.


Edited by HD001 (03/08/13 05:14 PM)
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#427500 - 03/08/13 05:35 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Sorry I'm not one of the girls...but I play one on TV. I'm going to say in the clearest terms possible as a survivor:


Quote:
Im in my mid twenties...



Run...


Quote:
His life is a downward spiral of self-destruction atm. He drinks A LOT, takes hard-core drugs, goes out clubbing as much as he possibly can without losing his job. He goes AWOL all the time. Recently I found out about him cheating with at least 2 women that I have photos of, but many other items have been found in our bed, around the house etc, but he continues to deny. And ABSOLUTELY NO APOLOGY for the cheating. He said to me Dont think youre special.


Run like Hell....

Quote:
And me I have a good job, I am healthy, I have such a beautiful family, they are the bomb, people tell me Im very attractive (but that is hard to believe cos of how HE treats me). I am extremely loyal, I havent so much as looked at another man in 3 years, in fact I do everything to avoid any attention to myself when I am out. HE is the only person I have ever been with, so the infidelity stings BAD. Im also worried about possible STDs.


You still there???

Run like Hell away from this! You, your life, your family, YOU...are a Diamond!! But this putz is dropping a beautiful Diamond into a tar-pit to be forever lost and ruined.

Don't walk away....RUN!!! And don't ever look back or let him sink his pity-hooks into you.
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#427618 - 03/09/13 10:44 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I would have to agree. I have been with my beloved for going on 3 years. He is a survivor. He has never cheated, he has never made me feel worthless. It's been hard at times but there has always been LOVE and RESPECT. I know the man you are with is in a lot of pain- but, and I say this with compassion- having problems- even HUGE ones- does not give you the right to treat another human being like garbage. You also are teaching him that his behavior is okay by staying in this situation- and even more- fighting to stay in this situation. You're a person- an important one- and should be treated as such- regardless of what the other person has been through. No one's life is without strife and trouble and some people have lots of trouble- but again- a problem, addiction, mental illness, whatever- does not give anyone a free pass to treat another human being with utter disrespect. You ARE special. He feels he is not. He needs to fix that on his own and in his own time. There is NOTHING you can do to speed up or help the process. LEAVE. He is in no place to be in a functional, loving relationship. He may figure his stuff out and come back- but right now- you need to go. I'm so sorry that it is hard. I know we have never met but I do sincerely wish you the best.

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#427619 - 03/09/13 10:47 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I would have to agree. I have been with my beloved for going on 3 years. He is a survivor. He has never cheated, he has never made me feel worthless. It's been hard at times but there has always been LOVE and RESPECT. I know the man you are with is in a lot of pain- but, and I say this with compassion- having problems- even HUGE ones- does not give you the right to treat another human being like garbage. You also are teaching him that his behavior is okay by staying in this situation- and even more- fighting to stay in this situation. You're a person- an important one- and should be treated as such- regardless of what the other person has been through. No one's life is without strife and trouble and some people have lots of trouble- but again- a problem, addiction, mental illness, whatever- does not give anyone a free pass to treat another human being with utter disrespect. You ARE special. He feels he is not. He needs to fix that on his own and in his own time. There is NOTHING you can do to speed up or help the process. LEAVE. He is in no place to be in a functional, loving relationship. He may figure his stuff out and come back- but right now- you need to go. I'm so sorry that it is hard. I know we have never met but I do sincerely wish you the best.

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#427644 - 03/10/13 10:26 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
He does not have the maturity yet to even attempt healing. If you stay with him he will erode you bit by bit. He will use you up.

Go find someone who will appreciate you. Someone who will return your love. Someone who will respect you. As I said before, you are a wonderful person. I've seen it through your posts. You deserve a lot better.

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#427669 - 03/10/13 05:55 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Illinois
My H and I have been married 26 years. We are both survivors of CSA. I told him before we were married. I just found out about his in the past couple of years. He is an alcoholic, but is in AA and has been for slightly over a year, for which I am very proud of him. We've been through a lot together and no matter how bad things ever got, I can honestly say he never abused me verbally or otherwise. I have worked with a T for my CSA and for the most part am in a pretty good place. He has not done any recovery for his, but I repeat again, he has never abused me. My friend you are being abused and just should not be tolerated. He may be doing it as a method of self destruction or as a test, but it does NOT matter why he is doing it, you should NEVER allow anyone to be abusive to you. I won't tell you whether or not to leave him, but I will encourage you to set boundaries with consequences and stick with those consequences, even if it means leaving him. It may just be the best thing for him.

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#427716 - 03/11/13 12:42 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
To everyone who has taken the time to reply, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Yes it is hard to hear the truth, and the general consensus is to get out now. It probably sounds crazy given the above post, but I do really love him and I do think HE is special, even though it is evident that he never felt the same way about me. I told him that I hate him, but that is not true, I was just very hurt. I know he is in a lot of pain and I still wish I could hold him and tell him its ok (never did any good though).

Am I co-dependent HELL YES! In writing my post above, seeing it all in writing kinda scared me because it became clear that this really does constitute a form of abuse and/or emotional control.

That is why I have made the decision to leave, because I am afraid for my safety and health. I am so very lucky to not have contracted a disease and that my mental health is still somewhat intact, even though my self-esteem is not. I just made an appointment with a counsellor that specializes in CSA. I have my first appointment in 2 days, feeling a bit nervous. And you are all right, if HE was committed to recovery there would be some hope in staying and that this abusive cycle may come to an end, but unfortunately that isnt the case.

Still when you said I was a diamond, that made me cry, and in that moment I realised just how small I had been feeling. No one has a right to steal my shine away.

And Candu, I am tearing up right now because of your kind words, and it makesme want to believe things that I have sadly forgotten about myself.

I have left, without really saying goodbye because that would kill me even more than this is already. Its doubtful that he cares, I havent heard from him since.

I will continue to pray for him every day. A lady I wrote to last year for information on how to help him (while he was in Europe cheating) told me a story about a doctor in a psychiatric word who cured his patients by saying out aloud I love you and Im sorry just to himself, while thinking of a particular patient. But he never did anything directly with the patients, but somehow they all got better! The lady told me that sometimes the best help we can give is from afar. As lame as it sounds (I know it takes a lot of hard work to heal), every day since I heard the story I have been saying I love you and Im sorry and thinking of my survivor.

I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY

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#427723 - 03/11/13 03:22 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Rosemary Offline


Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 31
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
You are a very brave woman and I take my hat off to you. Please keep us updated on your progress, you deserve some happiness.
_________________________
Rosemary

Partner Support
South African Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
Web page www.samsosa.org

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#427902 - 03/13/13 10:00 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
deerhntr Offline


Registered: 02/27/13
Posts: 9
Congratulations on making and following through with a very difficult decision. Wishing you peace, security and healing!

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#427903 - 03/13/13 10:01 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 352
It isn't about his abuse - as someone else said - it is about how he is not dealing with it.

Run, but do him a solid favor and make sure he knows it is about how he is dealing with the abuse and not that he was abused.

He can get help, he can recover and live a wonderful life. HE has to do that though. No one can do it for him.

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#427904 - 03/13/13 10:13 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: mkn10
I will continue to pray for him every day. A lady I wrote to last year for information on how to help him (while he was in Europe cheating) told me a story about a doctor in a psychiatric word who cured his patients by saying out aloud I love you and Im sorry just to himself, while thinking of a particular patient. But he never did anything directly with the patients, but somehow they all got better! The lady told me that sometimes the best help we can give is from afar. As lame as it sounds (I know it takes a lot of hard work to heal), every day since I heard the story I have been saying I love you and Im sorry and thinking of my survivor.

I LOVE YOU AND IM SORRY


Dear mkn10 you got many good advices in this difficult situation and I'm happy that you found some strength to take care for yourself. As Still said you are real diamond and I've seen you shining through this topic.

There is nothing left to say beside:

We love you and we are sorry!
_________________________
My story

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#427950 - 03/13/13 04:52 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
mkn... I am also a survivor and touched by your story... u made the right decision. Never let anyone "steal your shine". Be safe.

Angels.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#428155 - 03/15/13 02:51 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Others have already given you good advice. The situation doesn't sound healthy for you but even though, like another poster already mentioned communcate that you left because he is not dealing with his abuse.
Quote:
Im also worried about possible STDs.

Pleae, get tested. It's better to be safe than sorry.

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#428190 - 03/15/13 09:30 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
Stay strong. I wish I had my youth back. I would have left. It's much harder to do with children and ailing health. still, it is a choice, though.
Be well.
Find a man who treats you well.

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#428318 - 03/17/13 06:22 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
Hey everyone


Edited by mkn10 (07/14/13 12:21 AM)

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#428319 - 03/17/13 06:37 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey girl, my, my, you've had some tough time for weekend.
Please try next time to avoid to get drunk and then to talk with man who is survivor using drugs, alcohol and has many other problems. That is the worst case scenario. And something is telling me that you are not aware in full with what you are dealing and that you here also have serious issues.

Please be more careful and more protective to self and think what more you should do for yourself, it seems you need some help and additional support.
Read more here, please. There are many similar stories where is more than visible how toxic such relationship can bee toward spouses.
Take care of yourself diamond!
_________________________
My story

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#428478 - 03/19/13 11:59 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
You aren't describing a situation that I or any of the other wives that I correspond with regularly, can relate to. You also are not married nor do you have children with this man.

Get the hell out of Dodge!!!! GTFO!!!

Marriage makes things more complicated. Kids--10 times that. My husband has never, NEVER, spoken to me like that, treated me like that. You cannot save him. I'd be more apt to say wait and see (if you so desired) if he were getting help. But he's not!!

Run!!!!! Would you take that shit if he weren't abused?? I hope not!!!

And the STD thing is real. Do you want kids one day? Maybe you'll get lucky and what you catch won't impact your fertility (if it doesn't kill you first). I'd ask for a show of hands of wives who discovered the infidelity because of the STD. My gyno told me I need to get tested for the next EIGHT years (and I came up clear--this time!) It enrages me to think about it so I stuff it down until its time for my annual.

YOU KNOW!! You get to choose!! choose well! choose health. choose wholeness!

Many of us wives had no clue our lives are in danger because of the promiscuity. Emotional abuse and verbal abuse is unacceptable. I'm begging you, leave!!!
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#428500 - 03/20/13 08:50 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
He may or may not be able to deal with his issues yet. But you going back to him will only confuse him more. I know that it is hard but I think you should stay away from him. While you care for him I don't think you are the best person to help him at this point.

Rarely do we ever get help. Only when we hit bottom. You making things easier may not be helping in the long run. The only reason I'm here was because things were so messed up I had to do something about it. Until it got so bad I would just live with it.


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#428560 - 03/21/13 12:07 AM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
mkn10 Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 27
I hear what everyone is saying.


Edited by mkn10 (07/14/13 12:30 AM)

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#428622 - 03/21/13 04:55 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
MKN, you may never get closure. Accept that. He sounds very sick and scary. I think you can only get closure in the way you are looking for from a healthy and kind man. Your ex is neither of these things from wht I have read.

Recovery has been very very difficult. My husband did some horrific things before he got help but NEVER did he verbally abuse me or threaten me.

Would I have married him had I known all the acting out behaviours? No, I would have left but I was not privy to any info before marriage and then like others have stated, you have children together, family together, mortgage and such. You are so much more tied together when you are married.

Had my husband not sought help, I would have left. It would have been suicide to stay.

Please be careful. He sounds really scary and crazy and may snap.

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#428638 - 03/21/13 08:31 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:40 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#428752 - 03/22/13 09:24 PM Re: What if you knew long ago? [Re: mkn10]
Taurus Offline


Registered: 11/30/11
Posts: 13
Originally Posted By: mkn10
***WARNING - VENTING***

I hear what everyone is saying, believe me I do. I am just so confused, not about whether to go back to him, because I will NOT do that, but just confused about making sense of the last 3 years of my life. I think I desperately need closure, and he takes away that opportnuity from me, again and again. We haven't even disgussed my leaving AT ALL.

When my family came to get me from his house, I said goodbye to him very briefly and I was a crying mess. He was laying there and trying to hold back tears. I really don't know whether he wanted this or not. And the night before, he told me that he loved me. I didn't even say it first or anything, and I truly felt it was real then, like in that moment just before he said it I knew he was going to say it cos I could feel it. I'm sorry but I just need to let this all out.

The person I met 3 years ago is only there maybe 5% of the time and then the other facade takes over. I thought he might be hurt over what happened or sad that I left but I saw that he uploaded a picture of himself smiling on facebook merely days later. How can one person be so void of feelings? Can anyone answer that?

Yes Candu I agree, it is easier for him to just live with it, rather than taking that scary step to seek help. It must be a very horrifying concept to let others see your emotions and be vulnerable, I can't even imagine. That is why I feel like he wants me gone. He said that he just wanted to start "clean", almost like I am now tainted by what I know. I am a part of all the darkness, so I need to be put away with all the other secrets. But I did not cause the darkness, and getting rid of me surely cannot be the answer to his quest for happiness.

What does hitting rock bottom even entail? Hurting someone you say you love, does that cut it? Or having their family turn up to get them away from you? Would I need to contract HIV for him to give a stuff????

He said that for the two weeks without me, things were easier because he didn't have to deal with emotions. Is that even a life?

My mum screamed at him that "she loves you more than life itself and you know that, and you have her under your total control". And when my mum lifted the pillow that he was hiding his face with, she said she saw a little boy there.

And Candu you say I am not the best person to help him at this point - you are right. But who will then? All his mates who think he is Mr popular and that he doesn't have a care in the world? His family who don't give a s**t. Who will fight for him? I fought, I fought so hard, and I failed.

It does not matter how many times ppl tell you that you cannot save someone, you try ANYWAY, in vain, because you cannot give up hope.....hope for LOVE TO WIN.

ok rant over.


I totally understand where you are coming from. I am typing up a lengthy description of what happened with my husband and myself to post on here. I don't even have any contact with my husband anymore because he thinks I'm crazy, but I still hold hope that something will give. He was sexually abused a a young boy and I never found out until 2.5 months after I had to leave because I felt my safety was in danger.

You don't know how many points you made that I can relate to.

If I had known long before, I would have had so much more knowledge than when I left. When I left, I thought it was only temporary and I could get support from his family, but it didn't work out that way.

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