Hi, I'd like to start by saying that its great to be able to be in contact with people that have experienced similar things that I have. I'm at the beginning stages of my recovery and It's great to know I'm not alone. There is this great feeling of isolation and stigmatization that survivors all experience, especially males.
My story is complicated, I guess. I've read some of the other stories and so I'm confident that I will be understood.
It started before I was even born... My biological father decided that he couldn't handle the responsibility he inherited when he impregnated my young mother. Luckily, another man was willing to take his place, my legal father married my mother soon after my birth, and chose to father me without batting an eye. Needless to say, he is an amazing and kind man, even though issues have pushed us apart.
He already had a daughter of his own, Erica. Unfortunately, her past was filled with complications before we met. Her mother was essentially a crack whore with a history of various mental illnesses. She would leave her daughter on the porch or unattended as she was getting high or having sex. This lead to Erica being raped several times due to this. One time, when Erica was four, her older cousin and her were held at shotgun point and forced into sex by one of her mother's drug dealers. Another time, her own uncle raped her during a drug filled party that her mother had thrown. Needless to say, Erica had several issues to deal with, and unfortunately for me, chose the wrong way to deal with them.
The first time IT happened I was one or two. Regardless, I was old enough to complain of Erica's strange touching of my lower extremities. This all but destroyed our family. My mother and I lived with my grandparents, and my father was left alone with Erica. Eventually after what seemed like "successful" therapy, Erica and I were rejoined under the same roof. Now Erica's main motivation was control\ jealousy. She saw me as someone who needed to be brought down to her level, and thus, when I was four, the abuse continued.
At the time, therapists believed that children would tell of any abuse if they felt comfortable telling their parents or other adults. This simply isn't always the case. On top of this, my parents used "aggressive" spanking techniques on Erica and I, that created a strong sense of fear in the household. This boded very well for Erica.
At about six years old, we moved into a nice suburban home. It had lots of space for us to run around in, and plenty of other kids to play with. My parents sank into debt as they struggled to keep Erica in therapy, and us in home. This made the abuse worse, as it provided less supervision for Erica to deal with. Luckily, however, I buried the memories quite easily, and learned to make friends and be outgoing.
Erica saw this as an opportunity to further hurt me by attacking those around me. She attempted to abuse my best friend, but he was able to escape. Erica was forced into more therapy, and my parents had to work even more. The abuse got worse. My parents had a daughter together, whom I loved to death. I watched her like a hawk around Erica and did the best I could to keep her safe. Finally, when I was eight, Erica went away to a detention center, ending my abuse permanently.
The damage, of course had been done. I suffered from my own behavioral problems, including dissociation, anxiety, temper tantrums, and premature masturbation. I was alienated in school for being slightly different and I suffered from academic and coordination problems. When I was 13, I had my first flashback, I cried all night, and a few weeks later, I attempted suicide. My parents\ pediatrician wrongfully swept it under the rug as ADHD, and I was given medicine. I survived high school, and became quite accomplished. When I was seventeen, I had my worst flashback to date. My grades collapsed and I transformed into a ball of rage. When I was 19, I informed my parents of the abuse, they told me to get over it. I fell into a deep depression and finally ,after two years, was able to attend college.
My life changed forever when I met my current girlfriend, Emily, at my job. Her mother is a survivor as well, and the two of them convinced me to begin down the road to recovery. After a few months, I began cognitive behavioral therapy and anxiety medicine.
I've immediately made huge steps forward, and have reduced many of my symptoms significantly. Unfortunately, the self loathing and anger I feel has caused me to push Emily away, and now we are on the verge of splitting up.I yell at her\blame her for small unimportant things, like breaking a glass. She can't handle much more, and I can tell she is close to leaving.
My symptoms include anger hypervigilence,rage, insomnia, self hatred,ANGER, depression, anger, severe nightmares in which I abuse others(even though I'm not that way at all), anger, fear of being around children, and most importantly anger. I hope that this group helps me deal with these issues, so I can repair my relationship, and finally move past this nightmare. I want to beat this, and live a happy life with hopefully Emily as my wife and several children that I'd have no irrational fear of abusing.