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#427222 - 03/05/13 08:48 PM Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!!
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3463
Loc: somewhere in Africa
I just passed a colleague in the hall and he said, “howyadoin(?)!”

I felt like either smashing his face or bursting into tears. He didn’t mean anything by it. That was just the problem – he didn’t mean anything. He didn’t want to know – it wasn’t even a question – it was not even real words – just sounds that people make when they pass each other. And if I had really answered truthfully, he would have been surprised and shocked and horrified and probly would have distanced himself as quickly as possible and avoided me like the plague in the future.

I thought to myself- how can I even put into words how I am doing? It would take longer than we have between classes. Sometimes I have a hard time explaining it to myself or my T or my wife. They are the only ones – with the exception of you guys on MS forums – that I can ever tell how I’m doing. And I cherish that fact – that I can at least try to express it here – and there is always someone who hears and understands and replies in a way that affirms me as a person and validates my feelings.

I know a lot of us use this forum to explain exactly that – how we are doing - but many don’t ever say a thing. And sometimes people don’t contribute because they don’t think what they have to say is that significant.

SO – in case YOU are waiting to be asked – here it is - this thread is the time and the place:

HOW ARE YOU DOING? REALLY – PLEASE TELL ME – I WANT TO KNOW!

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#427224 - 03/05/13 08:57 PM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6542
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Well Lee, Since you asked:

I'm sad beyond any definition of the word.

I have not seen my kids but for a few hours in the past 14 days and won't see them till March 20th.

My flashbacks are back and are very bad. I've pissed myself at least 5 times in the past 3-weeks from the fear or pain in the flashbacks or nightmares. I sleep with a giant sheet of plastic of a garbage bag tween my sheet and mattress.

I am fearful of losing what thread remains between my kids and I...as a great and massive cable once tied us together as the closest father and children anyone on this earth has ever seen.

I am lonely as heck. I'm trying to find even a church in this stodgy area who won't condemn me when they ask "so...where's your wife? Why did you two divorce???"

My depression can't even be called "depression." Its more like deep-deep dispare, and its trying to kill me.

Thank you for asking Lee.


Edited by Still (03/05/13 08:58 PM)
_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#427228 - 03/05/13 09:50 PM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Evening, Lee.

How am I ? Well, let's see. I too, am lonely. I am insecure as I look around and wonder wtf happened to my life and to me. I am tired and stressed and obsessed. I am emotionally numb and non creative. I am afraid of the night.

I have an embarrassingly exhaustive compulsion to move furniture around in my house- which is so bizarre even the T laughed out loud when I told her.

But I find validation in MS. SoccerStar said he admired me, which was way cool. Jude said he listened and reassured that others "got it". And you asked how I was.

So I'm okay. Thanks for asking.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#427233 - 03/05/13 11:32 PM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
Like I do every day, like I wish it was my last.

Thanx for asking Lee

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#427236 - 03/06/13 12:06 AM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: cosmos]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes, I have shared these problems. A lot.

As far as the greeting problem, I have finally worked up a little list of things that can be said which won't lie about how I'm really doing but which also won't create false impressions.

Q. How are ya' doin, Puffer?
A. I'm half awake now and I don't know which half.

Q. How ya' doin' Puffer?
A. I wish the rain (or snow or you insert whatever) would stop!

Our society kind of expects us to put on a happy face, even if you're down in the dumps. This is offensive to me but its a battle that I can't win by myself. There was a picture in facebook a few days ago of a person wearing a "happy" mask. That's how I've felt a million times.

Puffer

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#427246 - 03/06/13 12:56 AM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
Still Around Offline


Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Pennsylvania
I sure as heck ain't "all right" as I have to tell people.

No, I'm really bad off. I've pushed away the person I am closest out of fear that I'm only going to hurt her emotionally--and in so doing, I have done just that.

I'm finding myself hiding behind my emotional wall and being distant with everyone, and I'm getting increasingly frightened.

I'm stressed to the hilt, totally unmotivated, and unable to find any trace of the creativity I once had. And I'm not even triggered at the moment!

So no I'm not fine, and god I hate having to pretend that I am because people don't want to see that.

Thank you for asking though, sometimes I just have to let that out.

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#427281 - 03/06/13 10:22 AM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1360
Loc: kansas
...


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:19 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#427286 - 03/06/13 11:14 AM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Some good, some bad....

THE GOOD: It took about half a year give or take but I think I've cleaned up the "collateral damage" that my CSA awakening & nervous breakdown caused. My relationship with my wife is vastly improved across the board. She says she hasn't seen me this good or this happy in 6 months, and I think she's right. I got a new job with much better conditions (will be posting about this separately later because it has to do with sexual harassment in the workplace as well as "area memories" related to the CSA memories resurfacing.... short-short summary, I couldn't possibly have stayed much longer, that building was shamed and poisoned).

THE BAD: I'm "seeing" something different about the incident that doesn't match the rest of my memories. If it's real, then I was abused more than I'd remembered - which scares the shit out of me because I spent nearly half a year faking and failing my way through life over what I *did* know and have only just managed to get things back on an upwards trajectory now. Nothing else is allowed to surface. Nothing else can be real. I'm so fucking scared over this I haven't even told my T yet, it's one thing to type it, but saying it out loud might make it "real".... that was how it worked for me in early therapy, it broke the wall down and the sewage spilled out....

So overall - if I'm dealing with what I've currently got to deal with, then I think I'm doing pretty okay, downright good actually. If I've got to deal with anything new resurfacing... I probably won't be able to. And the fear of what a secondary crash could do to me is already setting in. I got one re-start with both my wife and my career, I rather don't think a second bailout would be possible if I fall apart again.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427324 - 03/06/13 07:06 PM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
I feel the same way as you traveler, when someone asks me how am I doing? I hate it. I FUCKING hate it. They put me in a position where I have to put on a facade and lie to their faces because they don't really want to know. Like why even ask the fucking question if you don't care? It's almost an insult, even thought they probably don't see it that way, it is.

The secretary or whatever you call it at my psychologist's firm always asks people, how are you doing? My subconscious just wants to say, "Bitch how the fuck do you think I'm feeling, I'm here to see my shrink!"

Originally Posted By: Obi
nobody really gives a shit how i'm doing...

even here...


I hope that was a joke, and if it wasn't I care.


Edited by CloudyFalls (03/06/13 07:09 PM)
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#427325 - 03/06/13 07:11 PM Re: Howyadoin(?)! @#%$&*+~!!! [Re: traveler]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1360
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (05/03/13 06:17 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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