I watched a movie with my wife this weekend and I guess it was a trigger and I have all these emotions and lost it with my therapist I am feeling really out of it today really wanting to cry not able to concentrait on anything right now. I did some writing today but that didn't seem to help I want to eat everything In site. WTF Really I don't get it. I think I need to do enough retreat again.. the last one was 2003. I really miss my brothers from that retreat... I am so angry today really cant figure out what to do... I am really scared of where I am at right now. everything is so dark for some odd reason.. any thoughts...

Rushman

Hey rushman

Ouch

I'm sorry you got triggered and so much has come up for you-that sounds painful.

For me, it's part of processing and letting go of deep emotional trauma I repressed for Years- so in the end it can be be healing.

I like that you did a retreat before and made some good connections-I would ask you why you stopped making time for yourself for so long. nine years without such a positive and affirming retreat isn't healthy, methinks. I try to get away 2-3 times a year, including a silent weekend retreat. It keeps me grounded and centered and connected with my better self and men who support and mentor me.

Find ways to be good to yourself- yoga, meditation, therapy, walks and exercise, journaling, good food, rest and sharing with guys who know and love you. THis place is full of them. Keep showing up and read more about the healing process and dealing g with triggers and flashbacks- invest In your recovery.

I hate that You ran into that trigger Bro, I watched the same movie with My wife and it hit a nerve with me as well, did not see that coming I wish the movie industry could put "trigger warnings" on videos they release , hope You have a better day today man . take care

Try to remember something good, positive. I know it is difficult, I am having one of those days--not sure of the trigger. I have felt lost all day and cannot stop thinking about the CSA. I think I have been staring into space for awhile. It does suck but I am going to try what others tell me--focus on something that will distract me so I am heading to the gym--I don't feel like going but I don't like feeling this way either. Hopefully the exertion will distract me and my mind will refocus.

So take care, stay strong and try to refocus on something that will take your mind away from the abuse.

Hey Rushman,

We all have those dark moments......sometimes dark hours, weeks, or months. I can't really tell you it ever stops, it just gets easier to live with. I meditate on the phrase: "I can get through this" over and over. It works for me.

Jude

Rushman,

Jude is right--the dark and bad times seem to come and lapse. But for some reason they return. As I said yesterday, I like you are in a bad funk. I went to the gym and when changing someone asked what happened to my chest. I looked down and my upper chest was all scratched. When I have nightmares or flashbacks I seem to scratch myself, usually my arms but this time my chest. I was lost on how to respond because I did not want to go into the details. I did not remember scratching myself. This really unsettled me--I said I am not sure (not a convincing answer). I made it through the work out--but it was a challenge. Last night I slept little, tossed and turned and kept thinking about the past.

Today I struggle but was fortunate to speak with a friend and I could vent a bit about the abuse. It helped and in an hour I have therapy--so I can unload then. I find talking about the abuse with a non-judgmental person to be helpful. Like you, I do not know why the dark days return and then leave. I am hoping my journey of accepting everything related to the abuse is near. I do know there is the final time in the cellar that I must face and I run from when the memories enter. I have not been ready to talk about this time--I have thoughts of it. Maybe this is why the memories haunt me. But I think, was it really the last time or will there be more that I must accept.It seems to be a never ending process. I guess we must learn to live with it.

So try whatever to minimize or sooth the dark days--talk, write, find an outlet--I am trying anything and everything that is recommended. I was told yoga and meditation brings relief to some--I have not tried as of yet.

Good luck.

Kevin