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#426991 - 03/03/13 03:01 AM Twisted love... Triggers?
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
Identify straight and there are times where I definitely know I am, but there are times where I'm very confused. I've tried exploring my sexuality but it seems to me that its tainted by CSA and religious beliefs.

I say tainted because when I'm alone at night, I really want to have sex with my two best male friends. But all, I really want is to be loved and accepted. When I'm with them, I really have no desire to sleep with them. But every once in a while an intrusive thought will pop into my head, and my life collapses because I don't want them, but I do.

I confessed my same sex attraction one time to one of them. He was very supportive of me and my struggles. He has been a great supporter when I needed someone to talk to about the crazy thoughts that go through my head. It's just.... He's a friend and nothing more. Yet, we have shared some experiences that question the healthiness of my relationship with him. I gave him a massage and it wound up going else where. Mainly for me... There was no reciprocation on his part. There have been two instances where he has kissed me. One, when I was having flashbacks at his house while dealing with a very triggering ex-girlfriend of his and it was on the cheek. The other, at the direction of a mutual friend during a game of truth or dare. Also on the cheek.

I guess I find this confusing and conflicting because of my own issues. I know I love him as a brother and I know I can be intimate with him about really anything, but... I don't love him like a husband or wife might. It scares the living day lights out of me. What if I act on the urges that I don't particularly like or want. How do I stop it?

The other... Thinks anything that isn't straight is wrong. Again, intrusive thoughts that can never definitely happen. I butt heads with him a lot, and I love him like a brother. I went to touch him the other day and I got snapped at. I was trying to act out on an urge... And it was mainly about control. This is true of my other friend.

I feel like I'm out of control, I do things to reassert my control... I'm just not okay with things like this. I feel like its ruining healthy relationships because I have really unhealthy boundaries.

Meanwhile, I have a lady friend who I adore. Several of them actually but I can't tell them how I feel and wind up missing opportunities. I can be a smooth operator with them when I want to be, but I try... Then decide I don't want too. Again, I don't want to give up control (I think).

I really feel crazy because I have all these emotions, feelings, thoughts, and memories running in my head. I can never turn it off. I recently told my friend who I had things go a bit far that I'm swearing off everything so I can relearn healthy boundaries and relationships. Encouraging as always. Said he was there for me anytime I needed to talk but I told him I'd feel guilty telling him everything I was going through because it was a lot to bear. That and I'm pretty sure saying "hey, I may or may not want to ravish you because of abuse issues" will make that friendship more than a little rocky since I'm not even allowed to mention what happened to us because that stays between us. It's a burden that I really can't bear.

I talk to other like aged people (24 cause that's how old I am) and they already have a functioning healthy sexuality and know what they want but I'm so confused on what I want or don't want and what is and what isn't abuse issues that I can hardly focus on that aspect of my life. I really feel isolated when it comes to this because there is no one around me who can possibly understand what I'm going through. And because of that, I don't talk about any of this.... Well, at least, until now. I really don't know how you're going to respond to this and I'm half way tempted to not post it but I made myself a promise, and I at least have to try
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#427013 - 03/03/13 02:42 PM Re: Twisted love... Triggers? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Cameron,

I'm glad you didn't delete this post. Your needs and feelings are important to us. And chances are, someone else here is having the same problems you are. And maybe you can help each other.

I think you are right when you wrote that you think you just want love and acceptance from your two friends. Maybe when you're alone at night, you are lonely and really wanting some camaraderie and affection. What do you think?

I have a suggestion. You wrote that one of your friends is very supportive. Do you think you could ask him for his help on this? The next time you want to act out sexually with him (but in reality you probably just want brotherly affection), could you ask him to give you a great big hug, or to hold you for a minute and tell you how much he cares about you and accepts you?

Just a suggestion, buddy. Hope you can resolve this.

Your brother, as always,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#427115 - 03/04/13 04:56 PM Re: Twisted love... Triggers? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
Thanks Bobcat,

I think I'll try your suggestion. And it's possible that I want that. I'll have to give it some thought.
_________________________
http://youtu.be/HL297ZTYVRM <---- In case you ever wondered what I sound like.

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#427195 - 03/05/13 11:57 AM Re: Twisted love... Triggers? [Re: Sacred_Sage]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Sage,

Sexuality is complicated enough without CSA clouding the issue. However, I think you might want to consider the possibility that if you are especially / primarily / ONLY same-sex attracted to your very closest male friends, that it might be a case of "situational / strongly identity-based" homosexual desire. In other words, not your default identity, but something that you really do feel towards one or a small number of people. It might or might not be from the CSA, but regardless the ultimate question is the same:

What are you going to do that will LEAST damage your relationship with your friends, WHILE allowing you to feel sane, honest, and happy?

Let's just talk about that one friend who is obviously comfortable with intimacy with you and who allowed matters to progress to some degree of experimentation. If he's still close friends with you afterwards, he's obviously okay with that. But if he didn't reciprocate - well, there are a surprising number of straight-identified guys out there who have relationships like that, where one buddy "takes care of" another every now and again.

The trick is... it kinda doesn't sound like that's what you want. It sounds more like you really want love, want equal treatment, want someone to desire you as much as you do them.

If I'm wrong - if you're happy with the thought of a "repeat" with that friend and wouldn't feel like you were missing anything - then I'd say there's a 90+% probability that he'd go along with it again, repeatedly. But if you're hoping for a more mutual, equally invested relationship.... I highly doubt you'll find one there.

And you've no interest in seeking out some random man for a relationship because he's not your best friend.

Yeah, I've.... been there.

I would humbly suggest that if you try to "redirect" your affection for him into less sexualized contact like hugging or whatever.... that it will just become sexualized again. If you hug a guy you want to be with, SOMETHING will start, even if only on your part.

So if you don't want there to be a physical element that will not be fully equal / mutual, you might want to consider just leveling with him - talking to him about why what happened happened, how you feel, and how you're not sure what you feel. The man kissed you, I doubt he'll exactly run away screaming. Make no mistake: up and telling him will probably *remove* the likelihood of further intimacy, but it's also even more likely to make you closer friends because he sees how much you trust him. And maybe by just redirecting those thoughts into hanging out more, into an occasional joking reference here or there.... you might feel like you can express yourself, like it's not a secret that tears you apart, but without overcomplicating the friendship with a variety of physical intimacy that you're not sure meets your needs.

Just my $0.02.


Matt
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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