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#427154 - 03/05/13 12:31 AM I Am Double
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Anyone remember the old commercial, "Double the ...". I just read a post and I am not thinking clearly, so I've forgot the brand of gum, but I remember it as a kid on the tv. Double the...

Now things are sometimes better for me. Really. In just a month of reading and "listening" and crying with you and maybe you with me, I can tell I am making some progress. Then sometimes not.

Flashbacks from everywhere reminding me of how things really were. I haven't seen or had happen to me anything that others haven't endured. But tonight I have been triggered and it has to do with the "double deal" I have experienced.

I have been raped at all ages. You know that because I have told you. Violated. But I want to say it again. I, also, have been violated. I, also, have been violated. Raped. More than once. More than twice. My God, I don't want to consider how many times. Flashbacks of the first taste of se.... and the horrible stickiness on my hands that to this day cause me to wash and wash and wash. Tied to the rafters in a barn, held down on the ground, seeing porn when i was 12 and just all the **** that goes with it.

I dealt with it. I "therapied" it. (I like to make up my own words) I had a spouse who supported me and loved me. I confronted the major figure of that abuse and faced him down. (He, btw, reminded me of a tired old demon from some 40s movie when I saw him 20 years later and he was terrified) And I protected my own sons.

Then, again, after doing the grownup thing for all those years, I again was raped. It wasn't my fault. What I haven't shared was that it happened twice. Once on the day of surgery and again later one night when I had taken a pill to make sleep easier. And what has it done? It has temporarily destroyed me. My CSA is reactivated like a horrid cancer. The ASA has emerged after I had hid it for 5 yrs. The basic human emotions that touch the soul are screaming for attention. And I drink. And I act out. And I am again very tired.

Sometimes when I post, the two me-s intertwine. I can't help that. It has happened tonight. They intertwine because it is who I am.

I am double. What can I say? I am double. I look in the mirror and I see on my left a boy whose hurt has reemerged and I look on the right and I see a man that was and is no more. Both are emotionally and sexually and spiritually lost. And in the middle, is the big guy who is responsible for being normal and supportive and who struggles to find his place in the world. Yes, it just came forth- I struggle to find my place in the real world.

But I must say, in hindsight and simplicity of posting, I wish I had not shared one or the other. I wish to a thousand angels watching over me that I had made a conscientious decision to be either a CSA survivor or an ASA survivor. But not to have revealed both. BUT I have. It is me and I am dealing.

I really slowed down on my postings last week, just trying to be more careful not to trigger something in someone. If I did, my sincerest of apologies. If I did tonight in my writing, again, I am sorry. But if my trigger for whomever is the simple fact that I exist and I post and I know the horrors and pain of both CSA and ASA.... then all I can say is I exist. I do exist. Here I am.

Other than the T, I am alone in this. Spouse ran off to be with Jesus quite early. I have told two friends. Neither understand. I need what is offered here. I can't believe I just said, "I needed something"... thats a big one. But I do. I need to be here. When I started writing, I thought I would just disappear into the night at the end and never return, but I can't. I can change forums, but I can't disappear any more. I have done that most of my life and I can't do it anymore. There is no place left for me to go. And now I cry.

I will make the compromise and post here. No big deal. I hope it is a correct venue for sharing this... I do lose track of my thoughts. And just for the record, I haven't had a drink since Saturday night. So my thoughts, though emotional, are straightforward.

And Anomalous and J. Bytendorp, I thank you for permitting me to use the pm-s for a few days. Your words and advice and encouragement were much needed.

Many Angels tonight. Many Angels.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#427187 - 03/05/13 09:29 AM Re: I Am Double [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Bill,

Most of the response messages here by nature tend to start with an "I'm sorry" or a "that's terrible" - but honestly the first thing I can think to say is that I admire you.

You, singular, not plural.

You describe having faced the trauma of your CSA, confronting and cowing your primary abuser, and successfully compartmentslizing it so you could live a good life around it. NOT blocking it out, NOT denial - actually getting treatment, getting support, getting at least some definitional measure of closure or justice. Very, very few of the guys here have done all of that. And I really admire the courage and effort that went into it. I admire winners.

The ASA seems to have ruined and undone all your hard work - I hope it doesn't offend to say that, but you've said about as much several times. And so it has dredged back up all the CSA, this time with extra filth like a tackily technicolorized or fake-3D reissue of an old movie where you already know the ending.

You can view this several different ways. How I urge you NOT to view this is as a cancer, thought to be in remission only to return and kill, irresistibly. It isn't irresistible. You did it before. There's a famous song from WW2 vintage - "We Did It Before And We Can Do It Again." Not that war is ever easy or safe, externally or internally. But - you did do it before. And if the kid who suffered all those vile tortures is still inside you, the young man who faced it, who rebuilt his life and stared down the perp, must be in there too. The self is a package deal, all history included.

You're not as strong as you used to be... at the moment... your spirit, your strength, have been... well... raped. It must seem impossible to even think of fighting. And that's horrible and I burn with hate for the sicko coward criminal pervert who attacked you at your weakest moments - because make no mistake he KNEW that you COULD fight him off and defend yourself under any normal circumstance. Adding insult to injury - he cheated. He CHEATED you of the opportunity for self-defense because he plainly knew you could take him. This is a common thread I see in many ASA stories, I dont know if I have the "standing" to say it, but it honestly means something to me - because the targeted men obviously ARE strong and masculine and can fend for themselves, and have to be poisoned like some medieval baron before the sneak-thief can dare to start ransacking.

The ASA is your real problem. You don't know how to fight it, it will surely take a different skill set than the CSA did - just as surely as someone who boxes his way to a great victory can still get his ass kicked by karate. Do whatever you can to protect yourself from the immediate poisons of the ASA. Don't hate yourself, don't give up. Stick with therapy and if it isn't working get another therapist. You've mentioned there being fairly few options where you live. As traumatic as the notion is, you might want to consider moving towards an area with better therapeutic options - even just a larger regional city. Or, somehow treat it as a weekly business trip. You have adult sons - they could perhaps defer some of the expenses. If you needed weekly flights to a cancer clinic for chemo, and needed their help to make that possible, don't you think they would?

Fight the ASA in any way you can, tooth and nail. Find or start a support group. Grab that baseball bat you sleep with and find some trees and shopping carts to annihilate. Do ANYTHING to get back to a semblance of your old self.

Because you did face down the CSA. You did. You, singular. And if you can somehow re-compartmentalize, re-envision, rebuild an adult life of self-sufficiency and strength... I believe you can put the CSA in its place again. I believe in you.

You, singular.


Matt

P.S. - I hope you don't find this too cheesy, but, I dunno, I just figured everybody needs a peptalk now and then:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vO0euzURgRI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#427218 - 03/05/13 05:05 PM Re: I Am Double [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey Thisman,

Thanks for posting what you are feeling. Yeah it all sucks no matter what it happened. All we can do is offer a listening ear and assure you that we "get it".

And btw, that was Doublemint gum. "Double your pleasure, doubly your fun, with Doublemint gum!

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#427227 - 03/05/13 09:31 PM Re: I Am Double [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
SoccerStar,

On so many levels, you said for me the things I can't yet articulate. It would be another narrative to go thru each thing that you mentioned, but I have already been searching for ... a T more aware of ASA and its effects, a group of survivor males to share with, and even considering organizing one myself in this area. If you have any ideas on that, I would like to hear them. And I haven't had someone tell me they admired me since I left the classroom. Wow. Thanks.

And Jude, thanks for listening and thanks for the reassurance that we all "get it". I know that. Sometimes comments trigger and a survivor (ME) feels raw and insecure again. Just thanks, guys.

"Double your pleasure, double your fun, with Doublemint gum! And Doublemint gum... lol... what a hoot.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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