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#427140 - 03/04/13 10:11 PM I Didn't Think This Would Happen.
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
In my first post on this board, I mentioned that facing my past is nothing new to me. I first disclosed the sexual trauma I endued as a child nearly 20 years ago and was in therapy for a year and a half, from December 1993 to about June of 1995. Since then I haven't talked about it much to anyone and doing so is extremely uncomfortable. Mostly I've just used the internet to talk about these issues and have only done so here and there. For what ever reason, I'll feel the need to go into all this stuff once every few years and after discussing it for a little while on a forum like this one, I'll push it all to the back burner again, and go on with my life. Ok, maybe further back than the back burner. I'll drop it behind the stove entirely, where I don't have to look at it or think about it and it can just sit back there collecting dust and cobwebs.

Still, I didn't think dredging this all up and going over it again was going to affect me much. I think I may have been wrong about that though.

A couple of days before I left my first post, I decided that I wanted to post here and started planning what I was going to say and exactly what parts I wanted to tell. The night before I left my first post I had a very disturbing dream. I won't get into the dream other than to say that it didn't have anything to do with my real childhood trauma but that in the dream, I was a child again, 7 years old, and that the dream was absolutely terrifying. In the dream it was like I actually was the child me again, having no recollection of ever having been an adult. I was just 7 year old me, having a nightmare. Weird.

Since leaving my first post I haven't been eating much and I haven't slept all that well. I've already mentioned in a post or two that I am a drinker but on Saturday night, I got really, REALLY drunk. Way more so than I normally do even on a weekend. I wound up sitting on the bathroom floor, puking into the toilet with the room spinning and spinning around me. I haven't gotten that drunk in years. At the time I didn't associate my drive to get totally shit-canned that night with my revisiting all these issues but it probably did have something to do with it. Maybe subconsciously.

Then, on the way home from work today, something happened that made me feel like a complete nutcase. I was thinking about my issues with women and sexuality. I was thinking about how little I have had sex in my adult life and about how I completely freak out and go into a full panic when a woman comes on to me or tries to seduce me sexually. (I'm not gay or attracted to men at all, just to get that out of the way). Then I thought, "What if the next time a woman tries to seduce me, I sit her down and gently explain that I can't have sex with her...... because I have a terrible case of cooties." For some reason, that thought was funny as hell to me and I started to laugh.

Then I started to talk out-loud, alone, in my car. (I do that sometimes, because I'm fucking nuts.) I spoke as if the woman was in my car with me and I was talking to her. "I'm sorry baby, you don't want to catch my cooties." LOL, I'm laughing and gasping even harder now. "Holy shit! It's true! I HAVE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED COOTIES!" I'm laughing even harder now. To hard for it to be safe for me to operate a vehicle even.

Tears start flowing out of my eyes. Again out-loud, I'm saying things like "They're WAY worse than herpes! They can eat right through a condom!" The tears are flowing out. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Then, after another minute or so, I realize I'm not laughing anymore. I'm just crying. Sobbing and crying. An uncontrollable raging river of emotion is flowing out of me and I can't stop it.

Holy crap, how fucking crazy am I? I'm sitting in traffic on the interstate doing this. I'm worried that people in other cars are seeing me doing this and that I must look like a complete basket case. I guess that's what I am though. A basket case. My God guys, I am a complete and total freaking basket case! What the hell is wrong with me?

I have to admit I'm a little worried that my participation here is going to totally destabilize me. My life hasn't been awesome the last couple of years but at least it's been stable. I still have my issues and all that but they were "behind the stove" and everything has been kind of copacetic. I don't know where all this is going to go.

Sorry about another long-winded post. You'll get used to those with me around. Most of you won't read the whole thing and that's ok. Even if no one reads the whole thing, I got to post the whole thing and that feels somehow therapeutic, as it normally does.

Anyway, gotta get a shower and get ready for bed now. Got a long day at work tomorrow and a lot of shit to do. Christ, tomorrow is gunna suck. Take care all. Laters.

Ken


Edited by BraveFalcon (03/04/13 10:12 PM)

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#427142 - 03/04/13 10:20 PM Re: I Didn't Think This Would Happen. [Re: BraveFalcon]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Ken - you are all right. i love your sense of humor - or unique brand of craziness - or whatever. just my take on it - sounds pretty healthy to me - to let it out - to feel it - in a mix of emotions - sounds like you should have felt some relief afterwards - i hope - rather than just worrying about your sanity.

anyway - we are here for you - whether you decide to keep on truckin - or taker a rest - or whatever.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#427145 - 03/04/13 10:41 PM Re: I Didn't Think This Would Happen. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 735
Loc: Southeast USA
Ken,

First of all, I've seen crazier shit on the Perimeter or GA 400 than a guy talking to himself. laugh

Second, I carried around the secret of CSA for years before I finally broke and spilled (almost) all to my wife. Next was MS and a therapist. Not one to beat around the bush, I dumped all of this on the table in a couple of months.

I carried that secret around since I was 13. I told NO ONE during that time. I walled it off and went on like nothing was wrong. Never mind I drove myself to do all kinds of healthy as well as a few stupid things to keep a wall between "It" and the here and now.

"It" was still there. I know that. Atlas shrugged and the whole wall fell after all the Sandusky stuff came out along with the Scout Perversion Files. With the wall down, I had to turn and face "It."

When I acted like a real bastard to everyone around me, I had to do something. I'm attacking It with MS, my wife's support, and a good therapist. The T helped me get a handle on the old ADHD...which helped with the CSA and my job.

MS has been great because I can say what was unsaid for 26 years. I've had my doubts. I worry about saying too much, or triggering myself or others. In time, I've learned that judicious disclosure can be beneficial. I've posted, erased and re-posted because I doubted myself. On balance, it is very beneficial to say things that just aren't discussed over dinner.

I don't think we can cure CSA's effects...but we can learn to manage them. It's like a chronic condition...just the right medicine and you can manage. Titrate your medicine---therapy or MS for best results.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#427146 - 03/04/13 10:46 PM Re: I Didn't Think This Would Happen. [Re: BraveFalcon]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Well Brave Falcon,

None of us thought it would happen. When it crawled out from behind the stove. The experiences are still eating you up. You know that wanting sex less than twice a month is a dysfunction. You know that needing to keep sexually opportunity away from you is essential. You know that the feelings of your unresolved sexual issues are overwhelming. When you feel even a touch, it makes you feel crazy, laughing too hard, crying AND sobbing to much (and becoming self concious).

Spend less time judging yourself and accept that we all have a different story and we a;ll are the same. We can offer safety and support. Welcome!

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#427148 - 03/04/13 11:01 PM Re: I Didn't Think This Would Happen. [Re: BraveFalcon]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ken

I remember when I had my sobbing moment just after joining MS. I had just started therapy for the first time at 35 and had never told as much of my story as I did in my intro....to anyone. The wall really did come crumbling down for me. Luckily I was home alone and doing such manly stuff like putting clothes on the line. (now that was embarrassing to admit) I cried and sobbed for about an hour. I had not really felt any emotion related to my CSA before then. There have been ups and downs since then.....but more ups then downs I think.

But I really do think it helps to get 'it' out.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#427229 - 03/05/13 10:11 PM Re: I Didn't Think This Would Happen. [Re: Farmer Boy]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: traveler
Ken - you are all right. i love your sense of humor - or unique brand of craziness - or whatever. just my take on it - sounds pretty healthy to me - to let it out - to feel it - in a mix of emotions - sounds like you should have felt some relief afterwards - i hope - rather than just worrying about your sanity.


Hi Lee. Thanks. Yes, I did feel relief afterwards, even though I was worried about my sanity. I worry about my sanity a pretty good bit anyway, but last night I was a lot more worried about it.

Today I felt a little more stable. It sucked, just as I thought it would, but I didn't come apart emotionally at any point, nor did I even come close to it. I had a long day at work, sat in soul-sucking traffic for over an hour each way, spent about an hour and a half at the gym and now I'm back home unwinding with a cold beer. Pretty normal day. My primary emotion today was basically one of feeling emotionally dead inside and empty. That's pretty normal though. Just a normal, stable, soul-sucking day.

Originally Posted By: Suwanee

First of all, I've seen crazier shit on the Perimeter or GA 400 than a guy talking to himself. laugh


Wow, a local! Yeah, I've seen a lot of crazy shit in this town. Like dudes standing on the side of the road screaming at traffic and things that aren't there. Sometimes I'm a little worried that I'm gunna be one of those dudes in about ten or twenty years. It's funny you mentioned the perimeter because that's actually where I was when this happened. My little "episode" started on 285 WB and kind of petered off after getting on 75 NB. The north-end perimeter is the bane of my existence. Small world.

BTW, you mention you have ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD myself as a kid and was determined to have a rather severe case of it. Was on Ritalin for years. Although, the therapist I used to go to thought my attention problems and my tendency to "space out" may have had more to do with some of my childhood issues than they did with ADHD or ADD. I don't really know which it is. All I know is I'm a space cadet with the attention span of a Labrador Retriever.

Originally Posted By: genedebs
Well Brave Falcon,

None of us thought it would happen. When it crawled out from behind the stove. The experiences are still eating you up. You know that wanting sex less than twice a month is a dysfunction.


This isn't going to make any sense to anyone but me....

It's not that I don't want sex on a less frequent basis than anyone else does, it just that I don't want to have sex with anyone. I get horny and everything. I probably masturbate about 2 or 3 times a week. I even have a fairly extensive collection of sex toys to help me reach orgasm. (Sorry if that's TMI). Some of those have cost me a pretty penny but I figure if the only type of sex that feels safe for me is fake sex, I may as well find a way to make the sensation realistic as possible. I'm about 99% sure I'll never have a real sexual partner again. I just don't want it and it's just not for me. I'll stick with my toys.

Oh and I don't ever have to buy those toys anniversary or Christmas or Valentines or birthday presents. I also don't have to take them out to eat. So, I save money on the back end.

Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
Ken
But I really do think it helps to get 'it' out.


Yeah, it does. I felt like a crazy person yesterday and I kind of still do but, when my little "episode" was over, there was a part of me that thought..... "Damn, I needed that." Peace.

Ken

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