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#427103 - 03/04/13 02:06 PM Heavy Heart
Arithian Offline


Registered: 03/04/13
Posts: 5
Hello all, this is my first time posting on these forums. I've been reading them since Friday and found a lot of helpful information so far.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, 3 years ago he almost told me, I had a hunch but didn't want to push him. Last week he was finally able to tell me what happened. From age 10 to 16 he was abused by an older boy who took advantage of him being new to town and not having friends. While he was telling me, he was a wreck, breathing faster, staring into the distance looking scared, fidgeting, curling up, and crying. I listened and hugged him and kept telling him I love him and am here for him. I suggested a support group and therapy, he did not like the idea of a support group and was resistant to therapy as he's gone for brief periods in the past and feels as though it does him no good, plus he's concerned about the cost of frequent therapy visits. We've continued to talk about it here and there since, he's been moody but much calmer and relaxed, I on the other hand have been a mess.
I haven't cried in front of him but I have a lot while he's at work. I asked him this morning if I could talk to my best friend or mother so that I don't fall apart when he needs me, he's starting to realize now how much this is affecting me as well. I cried the whole time I was talking to my friend this morning. I'm just trying to take everything in, help him, and make sure we keep things normal for our two daughters.

He's starting to tell me how he should have stopped it and should have known better. He feels ashamed at being 'curious' about men, as he put it and that he thinks he may have suggested things during his abuse. I told him to think of our oldest daughter, in three years she'll be 10, would she be able to understand, he laughed and agreed that no that was ridiculous, but I know it only goes so far. He's already on anti-depressants and I hope that soon we can explore therapy options, for now, I just hope I can do something to help him.

Sorry for all the rambling, I'm just overwhelmed right now and felt that I needed to it out.

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#427108 - 03/04/13 02:54 PM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 814
Loc: michigan
hey
sometimes I think that supporters issues and their task is every bit as hard as ours... just different. you have done and continue to do all you can do just let him talk and try to listen and care. it is so hard I know to be frustrated not knowing what to do or how to help. but just being there is what it takes
good luck in the fight
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#427124 - 03/04/13 07:56 PM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
While he was telling me, he was a wreck, breathing faster, staring into the distance looking scared, fidgeting, curling up, and crying.

That's pretty good. It took me two hours to finally say "I was sexually abused as a child". I could barely say the words. It was like I had marbles in my mouth. And that was all I got out.

Quote:
He's starting to tell me how he should have stopped it and should have known better.

And the majority of the guys here have the same unreasonable thought.

Quote:
He feels ashamed at being 'curious' about men, as he put it and that he thinks he may have suggested things during his abuse.

And this is quite normal as well.

Tell him to stop beating himself up. If he is reluctant about therapy then at least direct him here. Maybe he could get some of the negative thoughts out of his head.

And you should take it easy otherwise your head is going to explode. smile It's great he has you. But if you make yourself sick over this then you can't help him.

And by the way. You did great.

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#427189 - 03/05/13 09:48 AM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
Arithian Offline


Registered: 03/04/13
Posts: 5
Thank you newground and candu. He really is doing great, I'm amazed at much he's been able to say and do less than a week already. I'm sorry about my post being rambling and crazy, I was feeling overwhelmed but since talking to my friend and posting here I'm much calmer.

I'm grateful I found this site and hope I can get my husband to at least look at it soon. Thank you for your kind words as well.

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#427191 - 03/05/13 10:23 AM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 377
"I on the other hand have been a mess. " - That will get better. It takes some time.

read, post & learn

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#427620 - 03/09/13 10:55 PM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
It sounds like you guys talk a lot. That's great. It also sounds like he does listen to you (with a little griping but still listens). That's great too. I was also a WRECK when my beloved first started his healing. We fought a little and I cried a LOT- I still cry sometimes because it makes me sad that the man I love was wronged so brutally and I get sad when he gets really sad, but the more he goes to therapy and the more he opens up the more relaxed we both are. It gets easier as long as the help continues. You sound like an amazing woman. It does take time- but the beginning of a new thing is always the hardest.

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#427642 - 03/10/13 10:13 AM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
HI: Patiance, time, therapy, willness, effort, It has taken all of this and a understanding wife for me. There is hope, it took three years of therapy for me to get it all out. I guess I'am a slow learner. I don't know why but this seems to be the norm for males. In this world it is accepted that women can be and are raped, but not so for men. My wife is also a survior this has helped in that she gave me room and did not press, we would talk at my speed,which is what is needed. I wish you the best,give it time,love,understanding. I pray you have the sucess we have had.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#427671 - 03/10/13 06:08 PM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Illinois
Good Job! I would encourage him to come here, I found this site for my H and he mostly does the chat rooms. This drives me INSANE because I feel like he doesn't trust me, but I know as a survivor myself he has to work through his own recovery in his own way and time. This site is a good place to discuss issues, get support and vent without judgement.

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#427735 - 03/11/13 08:14 AM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
Arithian Offline


Registered: 03/04/13
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone. It was a rough week last week. He seemed to be pulling away, very little eye contact, the barest peck for a kiss, and quiet until we were in bed ready for sleep and then he'd apologize and ask if I still loved him.

On Friday I went to work in the evening feeling giddy like I'd gotten my first kiss because he gave me a tight hug and a real kiss before I left.

I know it's going to be a long road, I just don't want to make it any harder on him than it already is. I'm really hoping he'll start therapy soon.

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#427736 - 03/11/13 09:18 AM Re: Heavy Heart [Re: Arithian]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hello: Your correct it will be a long road, but keep in mind that with help and patience the road can and will be traveled. A nother journey in life. I would strongly suggest a T who is a PHD who works with MALE surviors. I found it to be easier for me to talk to a man, the shame of talking to a women about myself being raped was just to great for me to talk about, My wife did not find out for several years, Thank God our love was strong enough to see it thru. In the end it has drawn us closer. Keep in mind his, or at least my first sexual experiance was badly pollued, this can mess up a boys whole veiw of sex and what relationships are about. I wish you and him the best in you journey.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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