Right now, I'm regretting letting it be known that I was a victim of CSA and seeking help for it. Honestly, things weren't great when it was my big secret, but I established an identity that incorporated keeping it hidden, and was able to live a life around it. I thought that having trouble getting along with people, trouble maintaining relationships, having financial difficulties and other problems were just side effects of CSA, so I really didn't have to face the root cause of my problems. Now that I've let my secret out, things really aren't better. I've rocked my world. I'm questioning my values, morals, likes, dislikes, motivations, and other facets of myself. I can't hide under the guise of CSA anymore, and I'm forced to seek the truth. Right now, I'm not liking the truth. I really don't know who it is staring back at me when I look in the mirror. When I try and put my past in perspective and look for answers, I realize that my life isn't what I thought it was. I'm realizing that maybe it wasn't CSA that influenced my behavior. Maybe I'm just a jerk. The reason I have trouble making friends or keeping a relationship is because I don't treat people very well. Problems with money or procrastination might be because I'm just not good at managing money and I'm just lazy. I could write more, but you get my point.
Now after writing this, I don't know how to close. I can't turn back time and make people forget I let it out. Getting in my car and driving off to somewhere where I can start over is a very appealing possibility. I suppose the fact that I've chosen to write is a sign that I'm asking for help. Can anyone relate? What is my next step?

DavO

DavoSwim:

I have too many posts here for you go go through, but you would see that I went through the same thing. I don't know the scope of your disclosure, but my post-disclosure life look 99.999% different than before.

What you describe above, this new-angle introspection if you will...it happens. It especially happens when you've been wearing a mask for SO long, that you became what you thought you were supposed to be for everyone else.

s far as you being "less than super" to be around these days...well sh*t...yer getting to know the real you...the real inner you and you may have NEVER met him before now.

If you think I'm getting close here , lemme know.

Hey Davo,

You are not alone: I can relate to feeling the confusion, frustration, and sense of loss that you shared.

Being honest about your past and your problems is the way out. Find people who understand and support you on this journey: this website is a good starting place.

Don't forget it is a journey: you have left the old, familiar places that marked much of your life since the abuse. You have entered unfamiliar territory - just know there are many men here in this territory who know it well, are thriving, and are here to offer their experience, guidance, and support.

Jamie

DavO

It's easy to blame the CSA for everything. As humans we try to simplify our understanding. And why would we want to make things harder?

I did a lot of reading on CSA starting this time last year. Looking at the listed effects that CSA can cause I could attribute it to my issues. Was it the real reason or the major cause? Hell if I know. There were other things in my early life that probably had as much significance, or more. At this point I don't care if it was 30% this or 70% that. All I care about is how I am going to improve what is left of the rest of my life.

DavO,

I've been there. After a long summer of hearing about Sandusky and the Scout "Perversion Files" I reached a point where something had to give. Locally, there was a high profile abuse case that put me over the edge.

I became moody, angry and short with my family and employees. I had to do something about the secret I carried since age 13. It was a secret that was driving me mad.

During a late night talk with my wife, I poured out everything to her. I bawled like a baby until the wee hours of the morning. I found MS and a therapist the following week.

I felt good and not so good. Disclosure makes you take stock in your life up to that point. Yes, it can be uncomfortable, but having done this to some extent, I see it as an opportunity to rebuild and reshape.

I also felt unsure about releasing this into the wild. Even now I struggle with disclosure---shame, guilt, and a feeling of vulnerability.

But it is better than it was.

I spent the intervening years trying to forget what happened. I kept busy to forget. Swimming, baseball, academics, hiking the AT, sailing, college...you get the idea.

I think what you are feeling is normal. Once I said molested...raped out loud, I blamed anything that went wrong on CSA. Truth be told, there is a contribution, but it isn't the definitive cause. I think in time you will be able to see that CSA may not be the cause, but one contributing factor among others. One positive side effect of all of this is an opportunity to tackle another old foe---ADHD---that I dealt with as a kid.

MS has been very helpful. It has allowed me to discuss things that normal society just doesn't want to hear at the dinner table. It's the Internet and I can't help but worry about things, but I have found overwhelming support. Read a lot of folks' early posts and decide the tempo you want to follow...share as much or as little as you are comfortable with. We're here to help.

Will

Thanks guys for your responses. It's been a tough couple of weeks. Tonight, after reading some of these responses, and thinking about my life and what I've done, and what I've missed, I just broke down and started crying. I didn't know what to think of it, I hope it's a good sign. I mean, I had a good friend die a couple of months ago, and I felt nothing at the funeral. I hope this means I'm capable of emotion. For a long time, I thought my ability to love another and especially accept love from someone else was gone. I hope this means healing is beginning. Thanks again for your support. DavO