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#426909 - 03/02/13 05:47 AM I get angry when thinking about people knowing me.
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 550
everytime I think about sharing my story here, I get angry.

but not at the persons who hurt me. At the people who will read my story.

Its very weird. First of all, one thing I know is that anger is always the first emotion to pop up. Whether its really fear or sadness or anxiousness, it will always manifest as anger first. So for me, I have learned, being angry doesn't always mean I am actually angry -- it just means I am feeling something negative and anger is the least "weak" emotion so it is the one I am most comfortable with.

I think why I am having such negative emotion focused at people who might read my story is because I'm already rehearsing in my mind all the things I am afraid you will say to me. It was my intention to tell you what I am afraid you will say but I can't even say that without being afraid of judgment and ridicule.


. . .



ok, here's some of it. not my story, but what I am afraid of in thinking about telling it:
I did nothing wrong. I need you all to know that.
I am not afraid you will blame me.
I am afraid you will tell me that I am weak for letting it ruin me.
It is more than what some people have shared. It is nothing compared to the horrors some other people on here have shared, and those people seem to be doing so much better than me.
If the things that XXXXXXXXXXX did to me aren't as bad as what some have faced. me having a worse reaction to it means I am weak.
I am so much stronger than so many people who never had to deal with this sh*t. But I have survived by learning how to never be in a group where I am the weakest. And if I am the weakest, not to let anyone know.

Look at me. Here I sit, protected by the interminable distance of the faceless internet, and I'm still scared that all of you -- fellow survivors -- will turn on me the moment you smell weakness.

I know I will have to climb out of that. I know growth is hampered by being unable to tell the difference between rational skepticism and irrational fear.

I don't know what anyone can say, of course. There is no comment that cannot be misconstrued by a paranoid brain.

Ok, thanks for reading. I hope I didn't say anything outside the lines.
_________________________
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller

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#426912 - 03/02/13 08:00 AM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Jacob

I feel all the same fears you listed above. This is the reason I have not done the 'my story' thing yet. I just can't. I feel like everyone will judge me because I have made such a big deal about what happened to me ....but way down deep inside I think it wasn't that big a deal and I should just get over it. I feel like I have just been using it as an excuse to be messed up.

It is so hard not to fall into the trap of whose abuse is worse than whose. The reality is it is all bad and messed us all up differently. Some of us have similar stories and some of us have similar reactions....there is no reason to it all.

Weakness does not come into it....the fact that you are hear - trying to recover from what happened to you shows real strength and courage.

Ok - Lets see if I messed that up.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#426917 - 03/02/13 08:31 AM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
JoziSA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/05/12
Posts: 144
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Everybody's story is different, abuse is not measured on a scale. Abuse is abuse. I do not believe other male survivors judge each other. One has to have a reason to tell their story, it look me months to write mine and post it here. I like the idea that nobody can comment on it, it is what it is. I have found telling my story very therapeutic, moreover, it has released the power my perpetrators ever had over me. At first I felt weak and ashamed, today I feel strong and proud, yes proud that it has taken me decades to heal, but I have. I stood on top of Africa's highest mountain with the flag that is on my profile picture.

It is your right to tell or not tell. We all respect you whatever you choose.
_________________________
Rees (JoziSA)
My Story and Blog www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

South African MALE SURVIVORS of Sexual Abuse
www.samsosa.org
If your mind can perceive it and your heart can believe it, YOU can achieve it.

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#426940 - 03/02/13 12:19 PM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 490
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Jacob,

You said nothing outside the lines, buddy. Thank you for being so honest and open with us. That shows your real strength and courage.

Rest assured, you did nothing wrong, bro. Abuse is NEVER the victim's fault. Never. We understand.

Please try not to compare your abuse - or your reaction to your abuse - with other survivors. Try to remember that this isn't a competition. It's a cooperation of men who know how you've been hurt because they were hurt, too. We're here to help each other heal, and if anyone here does judge or ridicule you, don't listen to them, okay? Listen to the dozens of others who will listen to you with compassion and understanding.

One more thing, buddy. It's okay to be scared. Trust me when I tell you that fear is an emotion we survivors talk about a LOT. You're not alone in how you feel.

I really do hope this helps you, my friend. Whether you tell your story or not, we're with you, 100 percent.

It's okay.

Your friend,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#426941 - 03/02/13 12:52 PM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 260
Loc: MO
hi JACOB,

Iam in recovery for more than 25 years. I am begining to significantly reduce my paranoia. This is one of the few places where I feel safe. Sharing my story is easier for me since I am 63 years old and have been in therapy since 1986. The fact is that if your are one of us, the survival itself is proof we are not weak.

Although male sexual abuse is a very wide description of our experience, the experiences we talk about are those in which physical attack has been part of the story. Oral anal or other sexual exploitation (pornographic photographs, incest, ) with or without parent or adult understanding or support.

Take your time to determine the level of self-disclosure that is appropriate for you. I know I couldn't think about talking with anyone other my therapist for 5 years. Except my wife and my parents and my younger brother after I learned her had been raped by one of my molesters. I really regret sharing with my parents they were peculiar in their response.

We are here for support not to judge or compare. I have found those with experiences from which they needed to survive are more understanding than any other group or classification of people.

Again, Welcome

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#426960 - 03/02/13 05:27 PM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
Jacob
Man I feel where you are, I feel the same so often. To me it is like it doesn't matter what really happens it is what might happen that is so scary and like you say it feels kinda paranoid. but it has gotten better, and I know it will get better. I have not written my story either for that and other reasons it is so hard to judge what COULD happen and that sends me still to the place of fear. you are not alone Jacob,no way oh and by the way I feel like no one knows me really, the fear makes me angry too.
Jeff


Edited by newground (03/02/13 05:30 PM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#426962 - 03/02/13 05:47 PM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 159
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
Here I sit, protected by the interminable distance of the faceless internet, and I'm still scared that all of you -- fellow survivors -- will turn on me the moment you smell weakness.


I wouldn't. I've never read anyone's story here and compared it to my own, thinking about them being more or less abused than me. Whatever happened to them, it all seems just as bad. And I've never read anything (ever) and thought it was the victim's fault. People have said a lot of shitty things to me. Such as, "But why did you not tell? Why did you keep going back?" Even when they don't say that, my paranoid mind twists whatever they've said into something bad, where they are blaming me. But I honestly don't think anyone would do that here.

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#427032 - 03/03/13 08:48 PM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1043
Loc: The ATL
Hi Jacob. I think I can understand where you're coming from here. I've been reluctant to share my story in other forums before out of fear that people would think what happened to me "wasn't that bad." Or that some knuckle-dragging douche nozzle would tell me I "got lucky" because my abusers were mostly female. I've kind of gotten past that but it is still something I am a little self-conscious about. Even here.

I would say if you're not ready to tell your story for any reason, don't rush it. Share as much as you're comfortable sharing. Don't feel like you have to give every last detail if you don't want to. Tell your story, but just be really vague and general about everything if that's easier. Or, don't tell your story at all if it's that much of an issue. I think it's good for everyone who has had these experiences in life to tell their story eventually, but that doesn't mean you have to. If a person joins a site like this one and only reads the experiences of others but takes what wisdom and/or healing and/or strength they can from that, I think that's just fine. Sharing is great, but I haven't seen any rule here saying it's mandatory.

Oh yeah, and "weakness" is relative. Try not to feel like others are stronger or better than you just because they may be doing better in life. (Although, I'll admit I'm guilty of feeling that way myself from time to time.) You say you're afraid others will see you as weak for letting the abuse you endured "destroy" you. I don't know what you mean by that because you didn't specify but if you mean that your life hasn't turned out very well for one reason or another, I'm sure you're in pretty good company for the most part. Not every CSA survivor is all successful and happy and self-actualized. My life is pretty much a big pile of shit but it could be a lot worse and I haven't killed myself. So, there's that. Does that make me weak? I also still haven't overcome some of my addictive behaviors and some of them I don't plan to. In fact, I'm sitting here working on getting drunk as I type this and I don't think that makes me weak at all. If anyone does, they can pretty much just go have sex with themselves. That's my attitude. cool

So, I'd say post your story when you feel ready and be as specific or as vague as you feel comfortable doing. No one is going to think you are a weakling and, if they do, that makes them an f'ing tool. So, don't sweat it, okay? Peace out.

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#427063 - 03/04/13 02:15 AM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3198
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Jacob S
everytime I think about sharing my story here, I get angry.

but not at the persons who hurt me. At the people who will read my story.

...

I think why I am having such negative emotion focused at people who might read my story is because I'm already rehearsing in my mind all the things I am afraid you will say to me. It was my intention to tell you what I am afraid you will say but I can't even say that without being afraid of judgment and ridicule.


Jacob, i wonder if you are feeling a similar reaction that i sometimes have - not wanting to be labeled in a certain way - resisting being seen in a limited or 2-dimensional view that is so much less than the totality of who/what i am. for instance, i get really irate when personalilty tests are discussed, as if i can be pigeon-holed into a little box and then everyone seems to think they've got me nailed. i would rather hide everything about myself than let people see only one aspect of my self - especially if that one perspective is a flawed or damaged or imperfect one.

the best i can offer is - most of us here don't look at one another that way. if anyone knows that there is the proverbial 9/10 of the iceberg submerged beneath the surface, it is us survivors. this is the LEAST judgemental group of humans that i have ever "known" - more open, accepting, and understanding than i could have even wished for. and the more you put out there, the more well-rounded your identity will become in the minds of those who read your posts. none of us are defined as only the first impression created by our introductions or "stories."

the anger is most likely a defensive measure. taking the offensive so that you can pre-empt an unforseen but anticipated attack. go ahead and feel it - and express it - if it helps.

give us a chance to surprise you and to accept you with virtual and safe open arms.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#427375 - 03/07/13 10:56 AM Re: I get angry when thinking about people knowing me. [Re: Jacob S]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 271
Loc: NY
Jacob:

It has taken me a long time to even participate in anything like this website. For several years I wrote in a journal and not on the internet. I wondered if there was some ideal person out there who would read what I wrote and understand everything. If I met that person everything would be all right.

I would read back what I wrote from time to time, but after a while I would scratch my head because I felt what I was writing still didn't seem like me. It wasn't my true voice.

As I continued writing in a journal, something interesting happened. I started reaching out to that person who I imagined was the reader of my journal. That person was my true friend. Eventually I realized that that person was me.

I hope you will imagine the readers of your posts as not faceless, most of all because you can count yourself among the faces that have a name, a heart, a hope to heal and a maybe a dream to share.

We probably have all survived by making sure we were not the weakest. I think behind all our weaknesses is a strength of self that says its time to get to know all of our experiences that make up a story, even those experiences which taught us that weakness has to be our enemy.

Sharing a story as a work in progress is probably better than trying to get to the last page. You and your story may need time to find themselves together. I hope you will find good help from other men in doing that.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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