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#426869 - 03/01/13 04:41 PM intimacy issues
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Decided to put his into a different thread.
My spouse and I have intimacy issues, of the sort that we are not intimate at all. He's the survivor and I think contrary to what is more common; in our case it's me who doesn't want to be intimate any more.
I feel like all my energy is going into managing daily life, it's sucked up by remaining in a place and relationship I don't want to be in. It's drained by continuing with a business-as-usual attitude that blinds out any issues.
When I'm honest to myself I do know that me not wanting to be intimate is just the reaction to all this. I can keep pretending that everything's all right, but there's an end to everything.

Has anyone experienced this? How do you deal with the lack of intimacy?

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#426870 - 03/01/13 04:44 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
wgrrcb Offline


Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 32
I think, as you said, you don't want to be in the relationship. That's a good reason for not wanting to be intimate.

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#426879 - 03/01/13 06:51 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
Observador Offline


Registered: 01/08/13
Posts: 16
I am in the same situation. My husband pretends that everything is fine. When I approach him to try to make things better, he says that " I suffer because I want to (humm?) everything is fine". I don't even want to fight anymore. If he says something I just agree.
He even denies that he was abused, calling me crazy for even imagine that he was.
I am sorry for venting my situation instead of being of any help for yours.


Edited by Observador (03/01/13 08:23 PM)

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#426890 - 03/01/13 10:59 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 271
Loc: NY
Shawushka:

It sounds like there is something that you are choosing to leave out, to be "blind to". Perhaps you do have to accept that something has changed.

In my situation, my former spouse and I had many good times before my issues came up. Now we are talking about her issues as well and are closer than we ever were.

I think change is something we try very hard not to accept, because it just seems like it shouldn't be that way. But that kind of thinking can lead to another, and perhaps stranger, way of living. That is the existence of a relationship in which nothing is truly embraced or understood, or as you said, "business as usual".
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#426893 - 03/01/13 11:25 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
For intimacy, there has to be a connection. And a connection thrives on honesty and openness.

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#426948 - 03/02/13 01:23 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
Alyk13 Offline


Registered: 02/21/13
Posts: 9
I have had some of my own intimacy issues to deal with,(not feeling like physical intimacy was for me but only for my partners enjoyment) to overcome... that connection as stated above thrives on honesty and openess...This is very hard to accomplish when there is anger and bitterness in the relationship. I am getting to where I sometimes don't even want to see him for fear what mood he will be in and what he will want to bring up about the past, it makes it so hard to progress forward with this looming in the daily balance. However, I am honest with him and MYSELF at all times and really figure out what it is I am feeling or not feeling, even if it hurts honesty is always best. It may just be what the other person needs to hear to inspire them to take a look at themselves, we just don't know what will work for each person. Honest, open communication no matter what has really seemed to help us both make baby step progress.

I Hope the best for you!
_________________________
Aly

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#426981 - 03/02/13 11:12 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Wow, sorry so much going on here w/you & H. From what I have read here & otherwise, any cheating in a relationship or marriage creates Big trust issues. And cheating can have many faces, from other men, women, porn & even gambling away the mortgage. It all hurts so deeply & effects all we do & feel, especially intimacy, duh. I surely don't know all your yrs past but I hope & pray both of you are seeing a T that is a Specialist in childhood abuse! The affects both for the survivor & mate are bigger than any of us know how to see & handle. Anybody other than a PhD learn the commitment rules here? I think not.
And every person, M or F, recovers differently and maybe, sadly, some do not. My/our experience has been to be open, honest, appreciate efforts & a great T who has surely guided us to a beautiful light at the end of a very nasty tunnel. Each one of us has to work their OWN recovery before becoming a good partner. Most of all, both have to want Recovery & it takes a lot of time. JMOpinion
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#427005 - 03/03/13 01:00 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Wife - Survivor]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Wife - Survivor
The affects both for the survivor & mate are bigger than any of us know how to see & handle. Anybody other than a PhD learn the commitment rules here? I think not.


Yes: The effects and implications are infinite in a single life and a relationship. Look at the CSA almost as "Special Forces" or "US Marine" or "Medical School" training. Others may object with my theory, but I claim we are a product, in broad-terms, of our past.

The "get over it" crowd in my proximity will hear the following from me: "Try forgetting medical school." Or maybe "Try forgetting how to walk!" You can't!

As for relationships. We are still adults and we DO know right from wrong. There is NO morality release clause in a marriage...even if...even though...not even because. If WE try to live under a "CSA Social Rule Book," we'll be unacceptable citizens by many measures.
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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#427008 - 03/03/13 01:38 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Still]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
A CSA social rule book ? I gots to get me one of dem !
On the 'big calandar' this is quite a newer addition to modern realities. It isn't under the rug as centuries before & more awareness comes out every day, TYG ! The world still is trying to accept that CSA is real - maybe because it's too painful to digest. When someone is not in our shoes, especially a partner, they just can't understand the affects. I am only glad to be in on the break throughs. Sure, it doesn't move as quickly as I want but hopefully our kids & grands will get it & STOP CSA FOREVER ! For now, we are the Special Forces !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#427010 - 03/03/13 02:11 PM Re: intimacy issues [Re: Shawushka]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Well, I cant't even get SOME churches, schools, camps, towns, etc to examine what went wrong following a reported and confirmed case.

Circling the wagons is now very well rehearsed in the USA today. I dare say, learning effective and sure cover-up is premier with at least 80% of child-oriented organizations.

But I digress from your thread's topic.
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