Today I see the T again. Once a week. And the apprehension is building. I read some threads that talked about the inner child and how to be free was to set the "kid" free and let him know I am there to protect him. When my T can't find words to help she often refers to the inner child. And says I should say I am sorry to the little guy for his hurt and abuse and that I can take care of him now. Or things a long that line.

I was only 4 when it started. It wasn't my job to protect myself. And how can I tell him-the inside me- that I will now protect him when I am the adult who was assaulted. I just feel like... I don't know... what do I feel? Maybe one of you guys will read this and tell me what I am looking for, cause I sure don't know today. I said last week that I felt damaged, broken. How, she says? How? You're not broken. Well, guess the f bomb what? I am broken. My heart and my spirit are now broken and thats why I am here. I am broken. Stop telling me what I am or what I should be. I am broken and I am trying to mend on my time, like soon. And please allow me to express how I feel without being corrected.. Even if she is good and kind and honest, I still hate going for therapy. It's hard work. It makes one vulnerable. And that's scary in and of itself.

This man,

sexual abuse can be hard thing, for many men who have been sexually abused as an adult, it is hard to hear about the inner child. Fo many ASA there is no inner child that needs to be healed, for those who have been sexually abused as a child and as an adult it can be a battle because a part of you needs to heal the inner child but at the same time, you also need to heal "the man" the part of you that was hurt as an adult. Rape is rape no mater CSA, ASA or both and understanding that you need to focus on both is huge. Many therapist don't understand CSA issues and those that do can struggle with ASA issues. The inner child is all about removing accountability and feeling sorry for yoursel for what happened. So many people no matter what your abuse is CSA, ASA or both have to find a way to do this using whatever phrase is best for you.

Josh

ThisMan,

Welcome.
You are right. CSA does break our hearts and our spirits. It also is VERY HARD work to do therapy, further you are still right--it is scary and makes one vulnerable.

Without trying to interpret you, let me share my experience. When I remember my CSA or I remember how it felt (usually the ground gets a little far away, I usually feel sick at my stomach, and my pulse quickens.) I am instantly transported over time and space to "that moment" where I experience the fear, the pain, and the shame that connects me to the past.

I don't physically go there, but in my head. It usually dulls the reality of the world around me, makes me a little confused, and interferes with my life.

I usually don't take my 45 year old self with me. I usually am transported back as an 8 yr old. I remember the fear mostly. I usually hear buzzing in my ears like the Cicadas in the pine trees from when I was a kid.

In my history of therapy the effort is not to loose touch with who I AM NOW. To carry back into time with my child self the grown 45 yr old who is very tall, very strong, very big, and extremely powerful.

To say that I am not broken demeans the fact that I have suffered so much. To say that I am broken implies that all the work I have done is for naught. I am me. I will never be completely free of my past, it will always be there. I do however have a different way of relating to it then I used to. I am no longer as scared, as powerless, as ashamed, or as worthless as I was when I was 8 and "he" was inside "me". I know today that if I want to move on I CAN.

I hope and pray for your own story to include the fractured boy you were and the man you are and the man you are to become. That in essence is the perspective behind inner child work as I have come to know it.

Love--another "broken boy".

Geoff