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Hang on Life, urges to act out have many survivors, some found way out of it some are struggling heavily.
You didn't write something wrong.
I have many struggles with watching porn that could related to abusive experience and I'm not proud about it.
In my case that has nothing to do with me being aroused or "positively" exited, it is rather that in my mind I've felt in very negative spot. Than I'm looking for scenes that could bring some known (bad) feelings and sensations. It is sort of high drive compulsive action that gives me brake of some painful emotions that caught me from time to time, it is like escape in some fantasy world and it is very addictive. The biggest triggers for me are feelings of unworthy, uncertainty, loneliness, isolation and similar.

Is happened something specific with you that could bring some negative emotions to you so it could be like you are looking for some escape from harsh reality?

Pero

Just to add information that could be helpful.
There is At Risk forum available for all of us here where is possible to discuss similar problems in more intimate surroundings (not accessible for public) but it is needed to be full MS's member.

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Lots of people have rape fantasies, SA making it more likely. But if you're tired of confusion and pain, setting yourself up to get AIDS will not make it easier.

If what you really want is to be touched and are okay with anonymity, while on CL see if people still do cuddle parties. Or, find a nail salon and get a massage (NOT a massage parlor - the price difference will be over $100).

I can tell you from my own experience with SSA that it is usually brought on by some sort of stress element in my life. Even when things are going well believe it or not that can be stressful for me too because of the anxiety associated with being "happy" (do I deserve this? will it be taken away? etc.) : P It's all quite silly to the non-survivor but for many of us its business as usual. I agree with Peroperic2009 in that this may be a great opportunity for you to explore what feelings led up to this urge? These sorts of things tend to operate in cycles and the more aware we are of our triggers the more empowered we are to counter them - and yes, you not only can counter them but the urge will subside and as you do this more often it becomes easier just as the urges become less frequent. At least, that is how it has been for me but don't take that to mean I don't still have urges on bad days because I do.

I agree with SoccerStar that seeking out healthy ways for touch and affection is a good thing, however, craigslist probably is not the place to find it and this may not be the best time do it. Are cuddle parties a real thing? That term and massage parlors sounds to me like code for something sexual at least when coupled with craigslist.com. Legitimate massage parlors are definitely out there but cuddle parties are something alien to me altogether.

If you are interested in learning more about understanding and ultimately overcoming these urges I suggest picking up Ken Singer's "Evicting the Perpetrator" and opening it up to Chapter 11 on Self-Defeating and Self-Destructive Behaviors. It helped me quite a bit and it's only been a month or so since I read it. I still get urges from time to time but they don't carry nearly as much sway as they did before and most importantly acting out seems to be moving out of my realm of possibilities.

Publius: cuddle parties are purportedly a real thing. People get together, lie on the floor and hug. There's a chaperone to make sure clothes stay on and there's no obvious making-out or dry humping.

It does sound wacky to me, but if it's real and as advertised, it might harmlessly meet a need.

LAD,

(((LAD))),

It is always so hard to talk or post about things that we find both shameful and sexually titillating. I won't pass judgment on you for any illicit activities, actually I think it sounds rather common for many women and men to have this desire/fantasy.

I do think that engaging in it with anonymous men or strangers represents some risk.

If you don't have a therapist on board then maybe some Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings might give you a fresh perspective and sympathetic ear.

Hang in there man...We all are with you.

G

It's good to hear of yet another possible tool for recovery. As long as it is safe, supervised, and effective in combating the issues so many survivors have with touch and intimacy then I would be all for it. My fear is the vulnerable state of mind, individual and collective, it might put survivors in especially those dealing with SSA and/or sexual acting out in the past. Somehow I could see it doing more harm than good given the fact that perfect strangers are asked to be physically close with one another in a way usually reserved for friends, parents, and partners. It sounds a little wacky to me too, and if I am being frank, susceptible to infiltration by those with ulterior motives. "Hey, I am XYZ it was really cool cuddling with you man it's great to blah blah blah want to come back to my place?" But if anyone has had a positive experience with this I would like to hear about it because I am merely speculating here and would rather hear first hand accounts before drawing conclusions.

LAD-

Loneliness can be something that brings about the "urge" also the need to be touched that you expressed is making me kind of focus on perhaps that loneliness is an issue in your life.

I find when I have friends to hang out with it helps me with any urges that I may have, if everyone is busy I will go do something like the gym or find something to occupy my time.

Josh