What am I so afraid of? I was going to kill my self twice, I hit the bottom countless times. The brink of death and I stared it in it's eyes. If there's one thing to fear the most, shouldn't it be death? Yet I conquered that fear twice. I'm still here. But what for? And why in the hell am I not living?
I sit here in my room, day by day passes by, thousands of thoughts run through my mind. My dreams repeat themselves daily, yet my fears keep me still. How can I describe this... My life. My existence. I live against my humanity in solitude and yield no results. I'm literally imprisoned in my fear. Even when I'm okay, I'm not okay, because I do nothing, I am nothing, I mean nothing, but most of all my thoughts never translate to actions. The most I yield is words, explanations, interpretations, but worst of all excuses. But what excuses are really even true?
I am alive living and breathing today and I should not be. I shouldn't be here, but I am. It's simple really, what would I do if I had a month left to live? I know I'm living on borrowed time, I should've crushed through this by now. When I put a gun to my head, it was over, but it wasn't. It's never over, and even if it was, isn't that what I once wanted?
How can I be so vain when I would've and could've been a lifeless corpse? When I let go of my humanity and my dreams, shouldn't I be happy to be alive? I'm rich, full of immense potential, yet I remain at a road block. Always saving things for the future, but I don't have a future I only truly have what's now. So how can I fear what the future holds for me if I choose to act in the present? They're fears of something that's not even there.
I want to do something, I want to feel alive. I have dreams, I want to make them reality. I want to talk to friends I have and make new friends I don't have. I want to be a part of the world, I want to find love, I want to find my partner. I want to make an impact, something to show I'm real. I observe a world I want to change, yet I do nothing at all. I can do so many things, so many things, I have so many routes to take, so many paths to trot down, but I remain stuck an observer.
Why can't I let go? Why can't I move?
For a year now, I've been in this room. This room. And as time goes by, nothing changes but my mind. I want to portray this feeling. Isolation. It's insanity. Nights like these where I am here, in my room. I truly do have so many dreams, and being here, I feel helpless, I feel imprisoned. I don't know what to do, sometimes I cry. Other times I feel a surreal nonexistence. Enough to drive me mad. The feeling that I need to do something, anything, to feel real, to feel alive. Destroy my room, shatter the walls, scream and shout, cut myself and watch the blood of life flow from my body.
And then I remember, that moment, that feeling, that thought, where I almost killed myself. And it's surreal. It's incomprehensible that I'm still here, in this room. That I'm not doing any of the things I want to be doing. I can't understand it. I wish upon wish I could explain such effects of solitary confinement, of which my life comes so close to being. And perhaps I am dead. Perhaps right now I am not even alive, perhaps I did kill myself. Or rather I sometimes wish I had instead.
Understand me as I write these words, I want out of here. Where I am in no one place, for I could say this house is my prison, but wouldn't it correctly me my mind? I want out of this self imprisonment, this abyss I live in and as. I can not stand this feeling of powerlessness, this feeling of nonexistence, this idea that I have no voice.
I want to be who I am, I want to accept who I am, I want to accept this body I live inside, but most importantly I want to embrace and love myself and live without the fear of which I cannot explain. The stress of vanity, the stress of social expectations, I just want to be who I am. But I am oppressed, both internally and externally. I am not alive, but just a ghost. I am not complete, but just a compilation of what's expected. I am not real, for all I am is an facade. Who I am inside is not allowed to act in real-time. The inward me is invisible to the outside world, but to a few minor exceptions. I am here but just a screen name and words on a monitor.
I can ask all the questions I want, like how do I escape? How do I break these chains that bind me, and I can get many different answers, but even as much as I wish it were so, it is not enough, nor is it going to change me. I've asked and listened for years, yet never broken free. For it isn't words that will change me, it is actions, actions of which I feel incapable of. So here I sit, endlessly contemplating, and never acting. I am stuck inside of an intrinsic cycle of status quo.
But why? I do not understand why. And even understanding why, cannot allow me to believe such a whimsical and illogical instability. It is like I said, to me incomprehensible. My fear is my prison, the answers lie within myself. Sometimes I know what to do, but cannot do it. All in fear, but fear of what? All of my fears have already come true, what is there I cannot face? What is there I cannot face.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein