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#426020 - 02/21/13 10:25 AM We all have a story to hide, this is mine.
luch471 Offline


Registered: 02/19/13
Posts: 1
Loc: East Coast
Well, this is my story.

Where to begin my story?

Well, negotiating with memories isnít easy. Like hell it isnít.

How to choose between those panting to be told, those still ripening, those already shriveling, and those destined to be mangled by the mind and come out pulverized?

One thing is for sure: Not writing about this would take a mental effort thatís just beyond me.

I guess I should just admit it as much as it hurt, I was sexually abused when i was a kid.

Maybe, I am wrong to write this. Just maybe, but I think I deserve to tell someone,even if that someone are total strangers that have been in the same path as I am.

Why this happened to me? I donít know. I would never know, trying to understand how a human being is capable of such things is something i cannot make sense of it. I assume only rotten and evil ones are capable of it.

I guess the beginning has to be when I was between the age of 4-6, maybe. To be honest its hard to be precise when everything from back then seems as incomplete memories.

Yeah, thatís the beginning. I was 5 years old.

Writing all this feels just like vomiting... You feel horrible before you do it and specially during the process. Just bare with me, its hard and difficult to type it all.

I remember having a Nanny, according to my parents she was a good, kind, caring, lovely young woman (remember, this is the first time i am ever speaking of it). I remember her good side more than her twisted side.

My Dad would worked from 8 am to almost 5ish pm during weekdays, my mom would leave for work around 9 and sometimes i wouldn't see her in days (she traveled for work-Airlines), when ever my dad was at work and school was over, i had a nanny/babysitter (doesn't really matter the tittle) for a few solid hrs. some days my grandmother would come and stay with us (my sister and me) and she was great, she was a sweet and the most amazing woman i have ever known. The days that i was just alone with the nanny, things happened.

Horrible things.

she made me do hideous things to her and she would do things to me, in that moment i couldn't quite understand them, the meaning of them. and this went until i was 10, when i no longer needed a nanny. and i was relief when she stopped coming or picking me up from school. and those memories were fading away, barely could remember what happened to me. but i had nightmares with it for years (even today, from time to time it happens). It seems like a film, unfinished film with just flashes of it, fast flashes passing by in front of you. How do i know what happen if i cannot fully remember it all... i might not remember it, but there is this feeling inside of me that something horrible happened to me. something i should not remember.

Since i can remember i have always been a problem child, getting in trouble in school, fights, alcohol use, i was a rebel son as well, a headache to my parents. i have to admit with shame i wet my bed until i was 14. in that year a lot change for good.

We moved to USA.

I stopped wetting my bed, I felt no harm could come, i was safe. my behavior in school went the opposite way. I was a good student, and i did teenager things as well, i made a lot of friends and why not enemies too. still from time to time those broken memories would hunted me while i sleep, but i was able to forget about them for periods of time.

I started reading, books are my safe fort.

I was also battling an inner war. Growing up catholic and discovering i was attracted to guys was a No no combination. i was a hard battle, specially to come to terms, to accept it and to be proud. when i was 17 that battle i was fighting was in the past. My family knew it, my friends... i was hidden it. and i was shown the same love and respect from my family as always.

Idk if been gay has anything to do with the fact that i was sexually abused by a female when i was younger. but i do know that sexually speaking a woman repulsed me. i find it crude, disgusting and uneasy feeling.

i have been thinking about telling my family about it, about what has happened to me when i was little. but i cant never find the right time for it. My mother is ill, my sister about to go to college and my dad, well he works as he has always done it. plus thinking of all the pain i could put them thought seems as an impossible task.

I know they would feel guilty, i know how much they have always loved me and how much they love me. our relationship hasn't been the best but we would kill for one another. I would hate to seem then hurt by all this.

I have kept this secret since i was 5, now i am 24...

I guess this is it. my story to hide is no longer hidden. i feel a bit free, a small weight has come out of my shoulders.

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#426031 - 02/21/13 12:47 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: luch471]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Luch,

Very sorry for the cruel exploitation you suffered, though at least you've found the right place.

There are many here who can talk to you about the sexual identity implications of being a survivor, but I want to target your final point:

If you have loving supportive parents and you feel that their comforting you would make you feel any better at all - I recommend telling them. It will hurt them, but it is the natural order for parents to take on hurts and hardships to spare their children - not the other way around. I've been through the same thought process myself and really felt a lot better after I did finally tell my parents, 26 years too late. And yeah, it hurt my mother especially bad. But having them really understand me, support me, just look at me and ask "are you feeling any better, is there anything we can do?" - that helps.

Don't rule it out, at least.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#426056 - 02/21/13 03:49 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: luch471]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: luch471
I have kept this secret since i was 5, now i am 24......I guess this is it. my story to hide is no longer hidden. i feel a bit free, a small weight has come out of my shoulders.


Welcome luch! You have taken a huge step just by posting this. That took courage. Don't beat yourself up about keeping the secret for 19 years. I kept mine for 42 years and at 56 am just now coming to terms with it after a lifetime of alcohol, drugs, mindless sex, and broken relationships. You have the opportunity to avoid all that.

Keep doing the work of recovery. You've got a life ahead of you to be lived as a whole healthy man and you CAN make it happen.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#426503 - 02/25/13 11:09 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: luch471]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:19 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426691 - 02/27/13 03:55 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: luch471]
ds11173 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 2
Loc: Boone, NC
I have been reading others stories for a few days and I want to thank you for sharing yours. Your story is similar to mine except my abuse was at the hands of an older step sister. I have yet to find the words to introduce myself to the group but your story may just help me to open up. Thank you again for sharing.

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#426800 - 02/28/13 09:08 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: luch471]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
What happened to you was horrible and I admire the courage it took for you to tell us your story and hold her accountable. This woman betrayed and hurt you but your survival and first steps onto the path of recovery are a testament to your strength.

"I started reading, books are my safe fort."

Now that's what I am talking about : P I totally get you here I delved into books myself and I am telling you as you recover you will retain all of the knowledge and joy from everything you've read : )

"I was also battling an inner war. Growing up catholic and discovering i was attracted to guys was a No no combination. i was a hard battle, specially to come to terms, to accept it and to be proud. when i was 17 that battle i was fighting was in the past. My family knew it, my friends... i was hidden it. and i was shown the same love and respect from my family as always."

I was raised Roman Catholic as well and recall vividly the priest's rant against homosexuals and sexuality as a whole. For a guy who claimed to hate sex he sure did use the word a lot in his sermonizing (if I recall us boys counted 70-80 instances) : P In any case, it was not until I was older that I actually read the Bible and learned Jesus of Nazareth didn't have much to say about the gays, although he did say he was bringing about a new "Covenant," which superseded the old one containing condemnations of gays, those wearing two different fabrics at the same time, being near a woman during her menstrual cycle, and people who leave their cell phone on in theaters. I guess we can thank Augustine of Hippo and good ol' fashion human sexual insecurity for the rest but I digress. I'm happy to hear you not only have the support of your family and friends but have reconciled, quite appropriately might I add, your faith with your sexuality.

"Idk if been gay has anything to do with the fact that i was sexually abused by a female when i was younger. but i do know that sexually speaking a woman repulsed me. i find it crude, disgusting and uneasy feeling."

I definitely don't think your abuse made you gay but I can see how your abuse may have complicated your sexual development (just as it did with all of us you're not alone on that one either). Puberty is hard enough for a teenager to go through without the added confusion and emotional turmoil of sexual abuse.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#426886 - 03/01/13 10:22 PM Re: We all have a story to hide, this is mine. [Re: Publius]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1112
Loc: The ATL
Hi Luch. I'm just getting started here myself, so your story is one of the first I've read. Thanks for posting it. My abusers were mostly female as well, so, while I'm certainly not glad that anyone was abused, I'm glad to see others here who shared in that aspect of my experience to one degree or another. When I've posted in other forums about these things in years past, I've often just been really vague and haven't even mentioned the sex of my abusers out of fear that my pain and my abuse would be invalidated by some. That way I didn't really lie, I just let people erroneously assume my abusers were male and, in doing so, nixed the very real possibility of having to listen to some idiot's retarded comments. We all know that when it comes to discussing female abusers, there is always going to be some ignorant douche-bag out there that thinks a victimized boy "got lucky".

I don't think it's very likely the abuse "made you gay". While childhood sexual trauma can definitely f-up your sexuality, I'm pretty certain that the gay or straight thing is more or less decided at birth. Coincidentally, I was on another on-line forum just the other day arguing with some morons who were adamant that gay people "choose" to be gay. LOL! That argument always makes me want to pick up my computer monitor and smash it through a wall, almost as much as the people who call male victims of female abuse "lucky".

As far as telling your parents goes, I'd say wait until you know you're 100% ready. It's going to be really hard and keep in mind it may not go the way you thought it would. I told my parents nearly 20 years ago and while I'd like to say it was the best thing I could have done, I'm not sure it was. My mom reacted with a whole lot of denial and with a very selective memory. "I don't see how that could have ever happened! I never once let you out of my site! Etc." My dad reacted with a level head and without denial but also in his normal stoic, unemotional fashion. He did at least say that my childhood experiences explained a lot when it came to some of my behavior and some of my tendencies, so at least that was validating somehow. I haven't spoken to either of them about any of that stuff in all those years since then, not that I really wanted to, as uncomfortable as it was. I do have a good relationship with both of them now, but I still can't help but feel like some of the things I told them are a kind of "elephant in the room" sometimes. Still, in the end, I guess I'm glad I told them. "I guess" being the key part of that sentence though.

I'm not telling you any of that to scare you away from telling your parents. If you think you're ready to tell them, tell them. Just be ready if it doesn't exactly go the way you had hoped. For me, it didn't, but for you it may. Not that I would necessarily go back and choose not to tell my parents if I could. Not sure what I would do if that choice were possible.

Originally Posted By: Publius
In any case, it was not until I was older that I actually read the Bible and learned Jesus of Nazareth didn't have much to say about the gays, although he did say he was bringing about a new "Covenant," which superseded the old one containing condemnations of gays, those wearing two different fabrics at the same time, being near a woman during her menstrual cycle, and people who leave their cell phone on in theaters.


No, that last one still applies. Jesus personally grabs people by the head and FLINGS them into hell for that.


Edited by BraveFalcon (03/02/13 01:34 AM)

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