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#426680 - 02/27/13 01:16 PM Re: What's Next? [Re: unwritten]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
While it's a really BIG step, some people have 'accepted' a Nanny Guard be put on their computers. Someone other than the 'surfer' has control over what programs can open. That acceptance is hard since they don't really see the danger that is quite present for them, especially younger. We can have a lot of Self Righteousness ya know. So many CSA's are looking for answers in all the wrong places, then it becomes just another addiction/problem. This can & should be discussed w/T.
I just read about his anonymity needs & AGREE so very much.
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#426683 - 02/27/13 01:37 PM Re: What's Next? [Re: unwritten]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Addendum on the anonymity. He should not provide his full name, phone number, email or street address to any members, no matter how friendly they might seem. Period.

For one, it's because we all go through ups and downs. But, if there are life-threatening problems, there are resources such as the National Suicide Hotline, etc., which a lot of us will freely recommend. Many of us have encountered MS friends who go through crises. Scary ones. Many of us also realize we're powerless to control any outcome. So, though we encourage, we don't meddle. Several months ago an MS buddy was going thru a couple suicidal moments. All I could do was provide understanding from my own experience and encourage him to contact the hotline. I guess I said a prayer to myself and left it at that. He's fine today. But it was out of my hands.

Related, therefore, phone/outside email with members, unless you've met them in one of the Weekends and deem them trustworthy, is out of the question.


I know this is a huge and difficult step for you parents, too. One thing I learned long ago in Al-Anon, bluntly, is that my alcoholic's recovery was none of my business. I'm not responsible for getting him to meetings, making sure he doesn't drink, controlling his mail, etc. It was HIS program. It was HIS recovery.

It just occurs to me that giving him the handles of people with whom you've dealt here in the F&F forum probably isn't a good idea. lol...bug out! Let him find his own people, imo. I would prefer you not provide mine. For me, it principles over personalities. People sometimes (even strongly) disagree with my opinions, too.

In that respect, though not directly related to CSA, you may find the general Al-Anon philosophy helpful to you and I'd encourage you to try several different meetings.

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#426697 - 02/27/13 05:34 PM Re: What's Next? [Re: unwritten]
unwritten Offline


Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 19
Lancer -

I agree that a counselor can outlive their usefulness. Our son has been very reluctant to discuss his abuse with anyone, but I'm happy that he has found someone he feels comfortable talking to in his sister. As a side note, I would never intrude on their conversations or ask her to disclose anything to me, although there have been a few instances where they have come to me, together, to talk about a particular subject. The point of their talking isn't about me, it's about his healing. To me, the fact that it's my daughter doesn't allow him any less confidentiality than if it were a professional counselor.

I also understand what you're saying about anonymity, and it's not at all hard to hear. As a matter of fact, when we were talking about this site, I told him that I didn't want him to tell me his user name and that I would not be looking to find anything he posted. He does, though, want his sister to look at this site with him when he posts.

There is no benefit for him if he can't speak freely. And he can't speak freely if he thinks his mom is reading it.

Can't -

My ultimate concern is that he is his true self. But, I understand that will be what it will be. The problem is his thought process isn't yet that of a typical 18yo, - there are emotional maturity issues that seem to be the result of the abuse - and he is engaging in extremely dangerous behavior. I'll leave that to his discretion to talk about here, since they're not my stories to tell. My goal is to keep him alive and healthy until he is able to do so on his own. Or until I'm no longer able to.

Wife -

Looking for answers in the wrong places is a perfect description of what he has done.

-

There is nothing I want more than to see him mature, head off to college and begin to make his own life, and what that will be will be totally up to him. But the abuse has created so many problems for him that, as a parent, I have to do whatever is in my power for as long as I can to protect him from lifelong consequences.

But, I do promise, I won't be a sneaky mom, checking to see what he's written. There's no value in that and, truthfully, I already know more than I wish I did. : )
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#426698 - 02/27/13 06:00 PM Re: What's Next? [Re: unwritten]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
Add'l thoughts:
1)You too should not give him your handle so you too can have Your anonymity. Keep that just for yourself. We each heal so differently.
2)And I hope that after sharing w/a 25 yr old, he continues that sharing w/a Professional. I'm sure she is a great young woman BUT just wouldn't have the Prof skills needed. i.e. my H & girl friend are very gentle with me; but my T may "tell it like is really is" then give me the Guidance I need.
3)Yep,our maturity has been locked in neutral. It will change but only later w/T.
Just my thoughts....
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Still trying hope?

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#426730 - 02/28/13 04:12 AM Re: What's Next? [Re: unwritten]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'll preface by saying, unwritten, I'm glad you're posting here in F&F and willing to share your thots.

I looked at your posts and they're overwhelmingly about your son.

How's YOUR life going? You and your husband going out and doing things? Enjoying each other's company? Working on the hobbies you find satisfying? What interests do YOU have? What are you doing with your friends? I'm not talking denial or sticking your heads in the sand. I'm talking about having a life of your own.

Or are you consumed with this issue 24/7? If so, what's that doing to you? And what are you going to do about it? Considering that someone you love is having alcohol, among other problems, you massively qualify for Al-Anon anyway. Have you, too, considered a therapist for yourself? I haven't noted anything about you seeking professional help for yourself. As it is for your son, this is an extraordinary situation for you and one about which you've been posting for nearly a year.

Both are excellent ideas, imo.

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