I've been thinking on this. Based on how I feel about my experience and lack of memories. I think that if it were more than one or a few occurrences then you would have a sense of it, if it were more and longer. I only have two memories. Fragments really. But I know that it went on for some time.

That is a very interesting observation. So, since I don't have a clear sense that it went on for a long time, you'd say it would be safe to assume it was only one or a few isolated events?

You know, somehow I think that would make it better. To know that he didn't embrace it and made it a habit...

Maybe he did it once and was so horrified at himself for hurting you that he stopped.

Or maybe your dad had been forcing him to do it and, same as above, now with him lying to your dad that he'd still done it.

You'll almost certainly never know. Find a just-as-likely path of minimum pain... avoid as much pain as possible. It's like the people here who don't know if they turned out bi or bi-curious or gay because of their abuse: with no way to know and all else being equal, give yourself the least painful alternative.

I'm dealing with something similar to this myself - a detail about my incident that doesn't match the rest of the memories, that could represent either additional abuse or a "metaphorical" image, a symbol instead of a fact. I choose to believe the latter. Just hope I can keep it that way...


Matt

Yes. Otherwise I'm sure you would know it was more than just that.

Gecko

I wish I had something profound to say...but I don't. This is just messed up and my heart goes out to you.

Our situations are completely different but I'm going to share something that I hope has some relevance and most of this you already know.

When I confronted my half brother he told me that my middle brother (10) had 'started' it with him (16). Because he was being abused by another boy (I know this is true). This really rattled me for a few weeks. I had always felt that my middle brother was also abused by my half brother and then abused me (6) because of what he learned. I have always been closer to the middle brother and did not blame him for what he did. You could say he was my hero.

This new information completely went against what I 'knew' to be true about my middle brother. We were both victims of our half brother. The only way I could confirm this story was to talk to my middle brother about it. His life is going pretty well and I did not want to awaken 'this' in him. Because 'this' is hell. So I left it alone.

I decided to go with my original feelings about my middle brother....He did care form me and protect me at times - but was confused and did stuff to me that wasn't his fault.

This may not be totally true but it is what I choose to believe...for now.

Lee

The memories can be glimpses in time and may not reflect all that happened or at particular times you may not be able to see who was there. Memories can be extremely unsettling. Details emerge over time--was it a new incident or part of another. It is difficult to put them into perspective at times. But over time, at least for me, clarity does emerge. With clarity comes new emotions and feelings that have been extremely unsettling and hurtful.

I only hope your memories one day bring the clarity you need to understand your older half brother and what happened to him as well as what he did to you. I am sorry you have lost someone you saw as your hero--a guiding light in your life. I do hope one day you resolve these memories and you have your own internal peace. Please stay strong and time will help you heal. Also, your twin maybe help to help--but only approach him when you are ready and feel you can handle whatever he may say.

I am still not sure what exactly happened, when, how, or how often. But after a lot of thinking and discussing with my therapist, I know one thing - I don't hate him. I can't. I can't forget all the good things he did for me.

Perhaps one day I will have more clarity, but until then I will take it one day at a time and work on dealing with memories as they come up. Perhaps I will never have clarity. But for my own sanity, I have decided to hold on to the memories of him as my protective big brother. I KNOW they are true.

So, last night, more in an attempt to organise my own thought and feelings about what happened than anything else, I wrote him a letter and posted it on my blog.

http://ramblingsofanabusesurvivor.blogspot.com/2013/03/letter-to-my-big-brother.html

Thank you, everyone who posted here, for your support...

Hey gecko,
I'm glad that you trust your inner feelings and that you are keeping good memories about your brother.
I've just read letter to your brother and it is very powerful, it brought couple of tears to my eyes.
I'm sure he would be more than proud seeing you now knowing how much you endured and how many battles you won.

I'll add that many of us your friends are proud on you, you are fighting so hardly, it is encouraging for all of us, keep like that!

Pero

Hey Gecko
I just read your letter to your brother, and I was really touched. You showed that in the midst of pure evil, there is always a small piece of good, and that the human soul gravitates towards good vs evil. I hope you can find healing due to your awful past. You have shown an example to all of us how to show love to our fellow man.
DavoSwim

Thanks, Pero.


This is something that is VERY hard for me to accept. Besides PTSD, I also have BPD. Even though I'm pretty "High functioning", I tend to still struggle with "Splitting" - for me, people are either good or bad - good people only do good things and bad people are totally evil. Even on a good day its hard for me to deal with good people doing bad things and bad people doing good things, and now I'm forced to accept that this one person who was a hero to me did something so very evil... but that doesn't make him an evil person. It's a complete mind-fuck, to be honest. But I suppose it would be good for me in the long run if I can completely come to terms with it...