I pasted this up from chat because I want to figure out how to navigate the system and get also get more feed back[Jolly Giant] 4:37 am: Hi I put a letter to the editor under the introductions but it was a coming out as an abused person letter to the public and put on a brave but heartbreaking face. What it does not capture is how much of an
emotional roller-coaster I am on and how much I need compassion validation, caring, and trust. I am getting that from my women friends and my partner. To tell the truth I keep calling the suicide line and pretend everything is
OK I want to die. My father raped me twice when I was about 10 and molested me for many years.
[Jolly Giant] 4:45 am: My brothers were bullies and cruel and molested me sadistically. When I was young i did self harm cutting my feet and getting them infected and was hospitalized. My Father raped me in the hospital He
raped me at a fourth of July party and I tried to drown myself.For a long time I lit fires mainly in trash cans for years and I felt responsible whenever someone was violently hurt as if I was the one who did it. This is because of the shame of my father and
the remorse I felt around it.
[Jolly Giant] 4:49 am: I have told everything to many people especially a co worker I have known for 18 years. I feel abandoned and distanced from her lately even though I have had the courage to talk with her. I work on a Warmline
and even my bosses wont talk about this stuff. I feel like an outcast.
[Jolly Giant] 5:01 am: This is more than it is fair for my partner to handle he is very perceptive and we have a difference in education and communication styles. He is so loving and caring and has been so physically and
emotionally abused growing up that it makes me cry to think about it. I treasure him. We are such touch me nots because of our abuse issues that we don't have sex . We are intimate emotionally and mentally and just like an
old married couple. We hug a lot and we gives kisses on the neck.

Letter to the editor of the Daily Astorian
February 26, 2013
I strongly feel that my time has come to act in public as a role model for public discourse on this subject of childhood sexual abuse.
A recent Sports Illustrated article about the molestation of two prominent athlete’s quotes FBI statistics. One in ten men are sexual predators but only 3% of them are caught. They are usually a family member and male such as a father, uncle, or brother. One in five of us are most likely survivors of molestation as children. This it is a widespread tragedy not only for the survivors but also the sexual predators and their loved ones. There is incredible denial and dissociation involved.
My father was a prominent Idaho surgeon my mother was a lab technician and socialite. I was supported and nurtured by them throughout my parochial education and at Stanford University and Harvard Graduate School of Design. I have since been a peer specialist for 20 years.
What I have to say now is extremely difficult and wrenching for me but must be said. In one life shattering moment I confronted my father about his sexual violation of me as a child. Upon his admitting “Yes that he did it,” I immediately forgave him.
This trauma and his subsequent denial led to many years of mental health hospitalizations and my courageous returns to society only to be squelched by further denial and silence.
Given silence and incredible remorse that was so pervasive to me as a child with my father it is no wonder I acted out in self-mutilation and petty fire setting.
I am very loyal to the memory of my now deceased parents. To me the very last thought in my young mind was prison for any of my family. Last spring my brother’s denial of my childhood events lead to another hospitalization after which I was left with months of suicidal despondency.
We are slowly learning to overcome taboos about talking about both sexuality and incest. We can no longer afford one in ten men to be so demonized as to prevent the children from seeking help. My partner of 22 years and I have overcome many problems together resulting from our childhood sexual, emotional, and/or physical abuse that is seriously impacted our lives.
I am grateful to all my friends in the community and at the Woman’s Resource Center who have provided such strong support and help. I now have the courage not only to be open but also to be who I am. Out of gratitude to our community I have also served with Victory Over Child Abuse Camps.

Kerry

Kerry, or Jolly Giant,

You have a lot of disclosure, but not a lot of therapy on deck. Many Many of the men and women who are involved as service providers don't get the therapy they themselves need. It is easy to focus on others instead of ourselves.

Desperate times call for desperate measures...when you discuss in chat that you may be calling the suicide hot line for help you trigger warnings for many of us us. There are chat and Forum guidelines that we must observe to not endanger ourselves and others here. Please take the time to read them.

Having said that, I must unequivocally challenge you to seek local help. What you are dealing with can't be addressed effectively without a guide. We are here to provide acceptance, support, and solidarity, but there are key elements necessary to survival that one must get exterior to this support. Do yourself and your partner a favor and find a counselor or therapist that can offer you guidance as you navigate your feelings from your past.

Your candid discussion of your parents actions, your reactions to the abuse, your compassion for your partner, and your loyalty to your parents memory are all very very good indicators that you might benefit from talking over these issues with someone who you can trust and who won't have a basis to judge you.

When I told my partner that I wasn't going to a counselor because I couldn't afford it, he immediately said, "you can't afford not to go".

Best Wishes, and please know that you are more than welcome here.

Geoff