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#426567 - 02/26/13 02:21 PM I'm back (new and improved)
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
My brothers,

Please pardon my absence and brief departure from MS. I had to leave because I found myself being angry in my posts, becoming angry at supportive responses, and it didn't feel healthy, nor did I feel I had anything to learn or contribute.

I needed to go solo for a bit, not knowing why or how to address this anger I have carried.

I have searched for a deeper understanding of why I'm alive, and how to accept being alive without anger. I've spoken multiple times about the circumstances of my birth (I'm the product of a rape); born with both of my parents disabilities.

I grew up feeling victimized for simply being born, and for having the disabilities I had. I was an easy target for bullying, and for molestation because of these.

Suffice it to say, I grew up very unhappy.

I think I have found the 'remedy' for being angry for being born, and for feeling like a victim for simply being alive.

I have come across the "lovingkindness" meditation. For the last 2 weeks, every morning, I have been practicing this short meditation (guided by a youtube video). As a result of doing this every morning, I'm finding that the anger and resentment for being born, and the constant frustration and self judgment I've had of my disabilities, and life circumstances, is waning. It is becoming increasingly difficult to be angry at things I have had an easy time to get angry about.

I don't quite understand why, but there's a lot of science behind it. I stumbled upon it because a friend of mine shared a newspaper article about redefining what "love" means.

I'm happy to share the youtube link of the short meditation, as well as the online news article showing the science behind the lovingkindness meditation.

Onwards towards recovery.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#426568 - 02/26/13 02:25 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Welcome back D, I can't say how happy I'm seeing you here smile
I missed you a lot and actually was thinking to send you PM today smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#426570 - 02/26/13 02:42 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
There are many paths. I'm glad* you found one that is working for you.

(*almost happy)

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#426576 - 02/26/13 03:12 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
Welcome back Magellan I am happy to hear you discovered a meditation technique that helps with your anger, resentment, and other negative feelings. It is especially encouraging because meditation, as you already know, brings about an awareness and mindfulness that can help us work through our recovery. As inaccessible as a healing state of emotional equilibrium seems sometimes it is definitely an achievable goal and your update is a testament to that fact.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#426595 - 02/26/13 06:25 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
D! Go figure I was wondering (this morning, in fact) what had happend to you...lo and behold there you are. I'm so pleased you've found something that works for you.

{{{{{{{{{Magellan}}}}}}}}}}}

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#426596 - 02/26/13 06:44 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
good to have you around again, D.
and so good to know you are in a much more positive state of mind.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#426611 - 02/26/13 09:30 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
Glad you are here. I'm going to see that YouTube video.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#426619 - 02/26/13 10:17 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks for the greetings, everyone.

Here is the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

I'm surprised that it seems to be just melting away my resentments. It's strange to walk around not being able to deliberately make myself angry at things I could easily do before.

I'm totally and completely sold on this practice. After almost 2 weeks. Highly recommend it for ANYONE who has anger or resentment issues.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#426620 - 02/26/13 10:21 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6374
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
:-)
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#426631 - 02/27/13 12:30 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
D

I just wanted to let you know I think of you everytime I go to my T.

His office is on Magellan St.

I'm glad you are back....for good I hope.

smile

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#426646 - 02/27/13 06:30 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 695
Loc: Southeast USA
Good to see you. Fittingly, it was your thousandth post---perfect time for a reset.

Congratulations on your new progress.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#426658 - 02/27/13 08:42 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
LazyPirate Offline


Registered: 01/03/13
Posts: 106
Loc: Ontario
I tried it... VERY relaxing. Thank you.
_________________________
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson

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#426660 - 02/27/13 08:52 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1483
Loc: New England
Magellan,

Your post is an answer to prayer. Welcome back, and thanks for leading the way.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#426674 - 02/27/13 01:01 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: LazyPirate]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Same here.

Try it for a week, every day. See how it impacts your day to day life.

I have to say, I feel like I've found an answer to a life long prayer, that I didn't know I was praying for until just a few months ago.

I owe much of it to MS, to 12 step work, to my sponsor, my therapist, and to Buddhism.

I'm looking forward to being able to live my life without a constant sense of feeling like a victim to simply being alive. I believe, now (wow!), that I can recover this part of my life, and I also believe, now (wow!!), that I can be happy, joyous, and free.

The metta meditation ROCKS.

D

Originally Posted By: LazyPirate
I tried it... VERY relaxing. Thank you.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#426675 - 02/27/13 01:02 PM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you Jude - I can feel that you've been praying for me, and I really really appreciate it.

I can't do anything better than to share my experience here. smile

Originally Posted By: Jude
Magellan,

Your post is an answer to prayer. Welcome back, and thanks for leading the way.

Jude

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#426754 - 02/28/13 10:19 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1936
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Magellan.

I'm glad you've both made it back and have thought seriously about anger. Disability is not fun, especially! in treatment by others, and a little justified anger and frustration is sort of inevitable, it's just getting the proportions right and not being taken over.

i will look at this meditation myself for the same reason, but in the mean time I'm gla dyou've felt you can be back on ms, since I've often much appreicated reading your posts and have missed seeing them.

Luke.

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#426762 - 02/28/13 11:33 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: dark empathy]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you, Luke,

EXACTLY. "disability is not fun, especially in treatment by others, and a little justified anger and frustration is .. inevitable.. it's just getting the proportions right..."

BINGO. I'm angry that I was born with disabiliies, but I think the real source of my anger is how I've been treated because of my disabilities. It's been an unending source of pain, and thus, anger in my life.

Practicing this meditation *seems* to be addressing this, with the little progress and change I've seen, I'll carry on with this meditation and seek to deepen it in my life.

Thanks again for your input, and for the welcome back. I appreciate it.

D

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
Hi Magellan.

I'm glad you've both made it back and have thought seriously about anger. Disability is not fun, especially! in treatment by others, and a little justified anger and frustration is sort of inevitable, it's just getting the proportions right and not being taken over.

i will look at this meditation myself for the same reason, but in the mean time I'm gla dyou've felt you can be back on ms, since I've often much appreicated reading your posts and have missed seeing them.

Luke.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#426932 - 03/02/13 10:45 AM Re: I'm back (new and improved) [Re: Magellan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1936
Loc: durham, north england
Well Magellan on the birth issue, I've never really myself felt a large amount of anger with that since I know my own self assessment to be flawed. i could! curse whatever bad stars caused me to be born with glaucoma, and still more those even further issues that caused the recurrent set of medical bad luck which resulted in me having even less vision than I should, particularly my massive hemmerage at age seven, however such resenttment to me has no cause. There was no decision, no person responsable, no targit to be angry at, ---- indeed now that I am beginning to be able to considder myself objectively I can just as easily identify a few aces in that genetic hand I was dealt, ---- my voice, (deffinately genetic since my grand dad was a tenor), my ability and sense of music (again, genetic given that my gran was a professional pub pianist and all my family have some! musical ability), my intelligence albeit that as a teenager was often a distinctly mixed blessing, and even my physical strength which has it's occasional uses even though I'm not at all interested in sports or the like.

For me, it's all those people who treat me like another species, whome I need to employ considderable social experetees to even get to recognize that I am even vaguely capable, not to mention the people and institutions who simply treat me as though i have a desease or presume to know what I am capable of doing, much less actually become abusive etc (my own sa wouldn't have happened since I'd have not even been! in that school had it not been the only place in the county for kids with visual imparements).

That! makes me angry, however it is my reaction bto that anger that matters and how much it affects me. Being angry and going out to prove someone wrong or force someone to change their mind is one thing, being angry and resentfull to those around me and making their lives miserable is quite another. It's learning to recognize when I am responding in the wrong! way to anger as you might say, and I freely confess I don't always do this well especially if there is a lot! of anger at something but I do continue to try, however it is the recognition of my responses to others and when! I'm giving usefull responses that I'm finding most of help at the moment.

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