Please pardon my absence and brief departure from MS. I had to leave because I found myself being angry in my posts, becoming angry at supportive responses, and it didn't feel healthy, nor did I feel I had anything to learn or contribute.
I needed to go solo for a bit, not knowing why or how to address this anger I have carried.
I have searched for a deeper understanding of why I'm alive, and how to accept being alive without anger. I've spoken multiple times about the circumstances of my birth (I'm the product of a rape); born with both of my parents disabilities.
I grew up feeling victimized for simply being born, and for having the disabilities I had. I was an easy target for bullying, and for molestation because of these.
Suffice it to say, I grew up very unhappy.
I think I have found the 'remedy' for being angry for being born, and for feeling like a victim for simply being alive.
I have come across the "lovingkindness" meditation. For the last 2 weeks, every morning, I have been practicing this short meditation (guided by a youtube video). As a result of doing this every morning, I'm finding that the anger and resentment for being born, and the constant frustration and self judgment I've had of my disabilities, and life circumstances, is waning. It is becoming increasingly difficult to be angry at things I have had an easy time to get angry about.
I don't quite understand why, but there's a lot of science behind it. I stumbled upon it because a friend of mine shared a newspaper article about redefining what "love" means.
I'm happy to share the youtube link of the short meditation, as well as the online news article showing the science behind the lovingkindness meditation.
Onwards towards recovery.