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#426551 - 02/26/13 11:00 AM What to expect...trying to be patient
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
So I guess this is a question for someone who has come out on the other side. With seeing a therapist (once or twice a week) and confronting your abuser, how long did it take you to exit the BIG flames, i.e. get to a point of normalcy again- My beloved is having a hard time dealing so he's started smoking cigarettes (I've never known him to be a smoker and we've been together for 2.5 years), he went out and had a bender last week in the afternoon and was sick for our date night (he's never been a big drinker and always looks forward to our evenings because we have tough schedules), he talks in his sleep (this happens when he's under extreme stress), we tried to have a night out for the first time in a while (a while being about a month) and it was not successful. He became very overwhelmed almost immediately and we had to come home and go straight to bed. If I didn't get him up this morning I am confident he would have stayed in bed all day and probably will after his T session today. I understand he is going through a hard time- well more than hard- he's going through hell. It's getting really hot in here for me too. I can't talk about it with him because it makes him feel worse than he already does. I guess the question I am asking is how long did this extreme inferno last with therapy for some of you or your loved ones? (guesstimation) I just want him back! :-( This is so hard!!!! I hate this! I feel that if I have an estimated time period how long I have to last I'll stop thinking that we won't survive this as a couple and I can just focus on being a supporter instead of trying to predict the crap I'll have to endure for what seems like forever. I did order a book that a friend, who's an LMFT, recommended to me. It's coming in the mail. Anything would help at this point- even some words of encouragement. I literally have no one to talk to about this.

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#426578 - 02/26/13 03:29 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:21 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426585 - 02/26/13 04:16 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Good for you joining & asking! Both H & I are survivors & have 'come out of hell' quite differently. Everybody is different & the guys have a much harder time of it.
Good things you say: You are there for him, He sees T 1-2 times a week, Crap must be coming out or he wouldn't be so raw; (smoking & drinking can be anesthesia), you bought a book(buy a few).
I don't think anybody can or should give you a time-line. It does take time, can come in small pieces & we all are so different. My experience w/myself & H was when we let it ALL OUT, we changed so much ! That can be w/T or in a Group of like survivors. My H nightmares stopped right away & the anger is all but gone! "We are as sick as our Secrets".
It's worst than an absess tooth, it needs time for several treatments, which cannot stop, until the puss is gone. Then the absess doesn't hurt anymore. We have taken back our lives now. There are moments of fear or pain but so very little now.
I suggest you be patient, understanding & well informed, and learn to walk away from a bad situation when you need to. Anything worth it, takes time......
The Best to You.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426604 - 02/26/13 07:59 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
W-S and Bguard,
First, thanks so much for responding! Second, oh darn. Haha. Yeah that's what I figured- no guesstimation. I'm trying to hold onto him and it sometimes seems that the sadness and anguish is a little bigger and more important than me. I sometimes feel a little invisible next to it. It does hurt a little. I do separate the two though. There's him, who is loving and kind and wonderful, then there's this monster of sadness and anxiety that has consumed part of him. Maybe I should do less attempting to lift up and more accepting of his situation- not concern myself so much with it and just be there with open arms and listening ears. I do try but it's hard not to want to "help" ya know? I just love him too much I guess. Hopefully he'll be back to his old self soon. Lord knows he wants that more than I do. He is my everything and I would wait forever if I had to- I just don't want to. Ha. Thanks again for writing and I should have a list of books very soon!

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#426608 - 02/26/13 08:30 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Ya got it - it's quite a balance. Some days you just listen then offer hugs, if wanted. Other days, say something nice & talk a walk. Even into 3 years of v good recovery, I have flipped-out in public (hate loud nosies & voices)or melted into tears, usually it's about injustice to someone or me. However H & my recovery has been quite good - "comparing self to self - not to anybody elses recovery". Just remember he is in real pain for now. Be prepared for some surprises, not all good and always take care of your self & your needs. Just my thoughts/experiences.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426626 - 02/26/13 11:27 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
Three years? I figured by then it would be okay- not totally solved but back to "us" and back to "him".

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#426627 - 02/26/13 11:32 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I could really use a "good" surprise. Like a nice date or some flowers or...something....just so I can feel noticed. I'm sorry for my earlier response W-S. I just don't know how to do this and I'm not very good with this. I'm kind of at a loss.

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#426630 - 02/27/13 12:18 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:21 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426649 - 02/27/13 07:50 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
See, and I hear what you're saying and I respect it- I have had a lot of therapy in my life. I have worked VERY hard to get to where I am in life. Mentally, scholastically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel like a healthy, wonderful relationship has become an unhealthy, not-so-wonderful relationship. I know he's fighting for his happiness and fighting for his joy but what about ME? My brother is a heroine addict. I have yet to get an apology for all of the hell he put my family through but it's okay because "he's in recovery". I don't think I can hold someone up anymore. I'm too tired and my arms hurt. I want someone to hold me up for a change. I've been through mental anguish and pain but when someone needs something I am ALWAYS THERE. I slap on a smile and fake it til' I make it. I'm not saying that is a good way to LIVE, but one night a month just to give it a break wouldn't hurt.

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#426653 - 02/27/13 08:15 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: bodyguard8367]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
KAL Please don't take this the wrong way, but the fight you are witnessing is a defining moment in his life. He is not ok, and getting better is HARD. If this was disease it isn't flu or chicken pox, it is cancer.


When I first consided my CSA issues a year ago I read a bunch of books on it. I was surprised to read in the first and third book I read that the authors wrote that you should be very careful before dealing with CSA issues and that maybe you should leave it alone if you don't have a support structure in place. (something like that) Yes. Serious stuff.

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#426655 - 02/27/13 08:22 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: KAL
but one night a month just to give it a break wouldn't hurt.

KAL, don't you think he would give that to you if he could?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#426663 - 02/27/13 09:30 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: crazy gecko]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
To KAL: Just my feelings & experiences: I hate to see that you are suffering too, (we do that when we care) Job 1: you must take care of yourself , if he is seeing T 2x's wk, maybe you could see a T AND find some meetings 2x's a wk, put YOUR oxygen mask on 1st or you cannot help another, sometimes I have to just tell my H that I love him & I am here when he needs me (he does that for me too) sometimes space & time-out is more helpful than sitting in our do-do, get out of ourselves! (I love just watching the dog park)be there for him but do not push, I ask my HP to take it, he will open up when Ready & it's not easy waiting... For us, so much has improved & (for 2 survivors!) it hasn't been on 'my schedule' but looking back it has happened! I hate that word Process - but it just is, darn.....
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426679 - 02/27/13 01:14 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
Where does that leave someone like me in the whole mess?

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#426686 - 02/27/13 01:56 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
KAL: It leaves you taking care of yourself, 1st& foremost! He must find his way & I hope it is swift. You are the 1 with control over yourself right now, so go to meetings, but books, talk to a T who does CSA folks and keep talking/asking here. You may want to tell him that you are availabe for any discussions but when they are in a calm manner. Screaming gets us no where. I am sorry to say it may be another slow process but if you can accept that, you are ahead of the curve. YOU must take care of YOU or you can't help another person. FYI: most good T's see another T for their own well being ! That says a LOT !
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#426783 - 02/28/13 03:21 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
You have demonstrated a remarkable amount of strength, patience, and love in your posts. As hard as it on him right now I know you are shouldering quite a bit yourself. From what I have read the so called rate of recovery varies widely from survivor to survivor depending on the nature of the abuse itself (relationship with abuser, length of abuse, etc.), his life situation (family, job, etc.), his support network (partners like you, therapist, etc.), and ultimately his desire and resolve to recover. For me I went from a borderline agoraphobic emotional mess to someone who could go places again, meet new people, get back to some daily tasks in about 6 months. This is not to say everything is back to "normal" per se but certainly more normal and I should add it was and still is a slow, gradual process.

This being said I want to affirm what others have said in this thread regarding you. Taking care of yourself first and foremost as Wife Survivor says is absolutely right and actually essential to your ability to help. Your happiness matters too and as much as I want to tell you you are a week out from clear waters I cannot do so. All I can do is echo what others have suggested in that you find ways that help you cope with the situation, including and especially taking time for yourself. Your personal pursuits, needs, and joys are not a source of pain for him - that responsibility falls on his abuser - so you need not feel bad about it.

Most importantly, thank you. THANK YOU. No matter what happens your bravery, understanding, and compassion are to be commended by all not in spite of the serious struggle and personal anguish you admit here but precisely because of them.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#426798 - 02/28/13 08:37 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
There was some really positive headway made yesterday. I took the day off of work to go see him. He wasn't in a place where he wanted to see anyone but he let me come anyway. I cried (sweetly) we talked (nicely) he agreed with all of my points and said he considered himself lucky that he has someone that cares so much about his well being and he has already booked an appt. with a doc. concerning one of our discussion topics. We spent some wonderful couple time, we went to a movie (his suggestion), had a cocktail at a very romantic rooftop bar, spent the evening together and had a lovely breakfast this morning before he went to his T appt. Everything felt like it used to be. He apparently brought up a few things we talked about to his T and I got a text from him this afternoon telling me that he loved me (he never talks to me on T days so that was kinda big). I feel that this is a victory. This has brought me out of the doldrums and out to greener, sunnier pastures. I have lots of hope now. Thank you all for listening to my cries of woe and thank you for your constructive advice which I will probably heed when the moment arises. Hopefully we'll have some happier posts! I have learned, above all, that there comes a time to listen and obey and there comes a time to push and be heard. Let's just hope I can always decipher those moments successfully.

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