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#426551 - 02/26/13 11:00 AM What to expect...trying to be patient
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
So I guess this is a question for someone who has come out on the other side. With seeing a therapist (once or twice a week) and confronting your abuser, how long did it take you to exit the BIG flames, i.e. get to a point of normalcy again- My beloved is having a hard time dealing so he's started smoking cigarettes (I've never known him to be a smoker and we've been together for 2.5 years), he went out and had a bender last week in the afternoon and was sick for our date night (he's never been a big drinker and always looks forward to our evenings because we have tough schedules), he talks in his sleep (this happens when he's under extreme stress), we tried to have a night out for the first time in a while (a while being about a month) and it was not successful. He became very overwhelmed almost immediately and we had to come home and go straight to bed. If I didn't get him up this morning I am confident he would have stayed in bed all day and probably will after his T session today. I understand he is going through a hard time- well more than hard- he's going through hell. It's getting really hot in here for me too. I can't talk about it with him because it makes him feel worse than he already does. I guess the question I am asking is how long did this extreme inferno last with therapy for some of you or your loved ones? (guesstimation) I just want him back! :-( This is so hard!!!! I hate this! I feel that if I have an estimated time period how long I have to last I'll stop thinking that we won't survive this as a couple and I can just focus on being a supporter instead of trying to predict the crap I'll have to endure for what seems like forever. I did order a book that a friend, who's an LMFT, recommended to me. It's coming in the mail. Anything would help at this point- even some words of encouragement. I literally have no one to talk to about this.

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#426578 - 02/26/13 03:29 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:21 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426585 - 02/26/13 04:16 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
Good for you joining & asking! Both H & I are survivors & have 'come out of hell' quite differently. Everybody is different & the guys have a much harder time of it.
Good things you say: You are there for him, He sees T 1-2 times a week, Crap must be coming out or he wouldn't be so raw; (smoking & drinking can be anesthesia), you bought a book(buy a few).
I don't think anybody can or should give you a time-line. It does take time, can come in small pieces & we all are so different. My experience w/myself & H was when we let it ALL OUT, we changed so much ! That can be w/T or in a Group of like survivors. My H nightmares stopped right away & the anger is all but gone! "We are as sick as our Secrets".
It's worst than an absess tooth, it needs time for several treatments, which cannot stop, until the puss is gone. Then the absess doesn't hurt anymore. We have taken back our lives now. There are moments of fear or pain but so very little now.
I suggest you be patient, understanding & well informed, and learn to walk away from a bad situation when you need to. Anything worth it, takes time......
The Best to You.
_________________________
Still trying hope?

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#426604 - 02/26/13 07:59 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
W-S and Bguard,
First, thanks so much for responding! Second, oh darn. Haha. Yeah that's what I figured- no guesstimation. I'm trying to hold onto him and it sometimes seems that the sadness and anguish is a little bigger and more important than me. I sometimes feel a little invisible next to it. It does hurt a little. I do separate the two though. There's him, who is loving and kind and wonderful, then there's this monster of sadness and anxiety that has consumed part of him. Maybe I should do less attempting to lift up and more accepting of his situation- not concern myself so much with it and just be there with open arms and listening ears. I do try but it's hard not to want to "help" ya know? I just love him too much I guess. Hopefully he'll be back to his old self soon. Lord knows he wants that more than I do. He is my everything and I would wait forever if I had to- I just don't want to. Ha. Thanks again for writing and I should have a list of books very soon!

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#426608 - 02/26/13 08:30 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
WhyWhyWhy Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 41
Loc: some place bad
Ya got it - it's quite a balance. Some days you just listen then offer hugs, if wanted. Other days, say something nice & talk a walk. Even into 3 years of v good recovery, I have flipped-out in public (hate loud nosies & voices)or melted into tears, usually it's about injustice to someone or me. However H & my recovery has been quite good - "comparing self to self - not to anybody elses recovery". Just remember he is in real pain for now. Be prepared for some surprises, not all good and always take care of your self & your needs. Just my thoughts/experiences.
_________________________
Still trying hope?

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#426626 - 02/26/13 11:27 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
Three years? I figured by then it would be okay- not totally solved but back to "us" and back to "him".

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#426627 - 02/26/13 11:32 PM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
I could really use a "good" surprise. Like a nice date or some flowers or...something....just so I can feel noticed. I'm sorry for my earlier response W-S. I just don't know how to do this and I'm not very good with this. I'm kind of at a loss.

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#426630 - 02/27/13 12:18 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 09:21 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#426649 - 02/27/13 07:50 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: KAL]
KAL Offline


Registered: 02/24/13
Posts: 17
See, and I hear what you're saying and I respect it- I have had a lot of therapy in my life. I have worked VERY hard to get to where I am in life. Mentally, scholastically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel like a healthy, wonderful relationship has become an unhealthy, not-so-wonderful relationship. I know he's fighting for his happiness and fighting for his joy but what about ME? My brother is a heroine addict. I have yet to get an apology for all of the hell he put my family through but it's okay because "he's in recovery". I don't think I can hold someone up anymore. I'm too tired and my arms hurt. I want someone to hold me up for a change. I've been through mental anguish and pain but when someone needs something I am ALWAYS THERE. I slap on a smile and fake it til' I make it. I'm not saying that is a good way to LIVE, but one night a month just to give it a break wouldn't hurt.

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#426653 - 02/27/13 08:15 AM Re: What to expect...trying to be patient [Re: bodyguard8367]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: bodyguard8367
KAL Please don't take this the wrong way, but the fight you are witnessing is a defining moment in his life. He is not ok, and getting better is HARD. If this was disease it isn't flu or chicken pox, it is cancer.


When I first consided my CSA issues a year ago I read a bunch of books on it. I was surprised to read in the first and third book I read that the authors wrote that you should be very careful before dealing with CSA issues and that maybe you should leave it alone if you don't have a support structure in place. (something like that) Yes. Serious stuff.

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