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#426550 - 02/26/13 10:49 AM Triggered by father and nephew
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
I haven't been posting much, would like to, just can't seem to do it, fear of judgment i guess. But I was triggered badly to day so feel the need of some support.

I was asked to go along with my father to pick up my 6year old nephew from school, I wasn't really needed, I think I was asked because both myself and my sister were physically abused my my father and car journeys were particularly bad. No sexual abuse thankfully but alot of rage aimed at us. Anyway, I was frozen solid in the back of the car with constant flash backs of my fathers rage. To be honest this is not what is bothering me. Its more about what my sister would think if she knew about my sexual abuse, I can't help but think that if she knew she would assume I would be a perpetrator who can't be trusted with her son. She could not have come round quick enough to pick him up and seemed very nervous about the whole setup.

Being around the nephew definitely triggers me but that coupled with my father is just overload! think I'll go chill out for a while! I'll prob find I am reading too much into it.

Oz
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

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#426554 - 02/26/13 11:28 AM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: COSC]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Nice to see you Oz (always luved that avatar).

Reading too much into it? Nah. I think it would be worse than a flashback because it was tangible, like you were observing the setup for the abuse with the abuser right in front of you.

fwiw, I can't speak to your sister's possible reaction. Under the circumstances I think it's understandable a lot of fearful feelings about everything else would come along for the ride.

Ever talk with her about her memories of the abuse? That, to me, is a starting point. See how she responds. If positive, share a little more. If not - which really sucks because she's your sister, after all - you've an indication of how far you can go on disclosure.

Yeah, please go chill. You've just had a major shock and need time to recover.

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#426746 - 02/28/13 07:55 AM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: COSC]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I feel for your issue, I to have triggers, I think as CSA's we all have some. I did not see were you were working with a T, I assume you have at some time. Perhaps you need to discuss this with them, I did and after time It helped. I now have far less fear of being found out, in fact I have learned to deal with such issues head on. It a part of my life, I, you did nothing wrong. This was thrust on us. My anger is now directed at more people not understanding what has been put on CSA's. I wish you the best. I is quite a jouney, just keep work on it. There is a better place we just have to keep working at it.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#426809 - 02/28/13 10:37 PM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: COSC]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 425
Loc: OH
The "vampire myth," although widely discredited in the professional community, is still held by some people today. As awareness continues to spread into the mainstream I think more and more people will come around to the fact that a super majority of survivors don't become abusers themselves. In fact, the fear and anxiety you described in your post would probably be shared by any number of survivors placed in your situation. Now, does knowing this make the feelings magically disappear? Not exactly, this knowledge coupled with your self-awareness can aid you in examining where these feelings come from while also helping you work through them. But all that takes a little time, work, and support which is why we are all here : )

I can say from personal experience I was very uncomfortable around kids for awhile after my recovery began. Part of this was because I was the youngest of three but my abuse definitely affected my comfort levels around children. Some of it stems from memories or worrying about how others viewed me but most of all I remember experiencing extreme fear of "going insane" and hurting a child. Some of you may laugh at me now but at the time I did not understand a thing about perps so "going crazy" seemed like a perfectly reasonable explanation of CSA : P Over time as I learned more and interacted with children I became a lot more comfortable.

Honestly, i am hearing you say your father is a major trigger when present. I do want to say this: you are not him. In fact, your sister may very well have come around more quickly because of your father and not you. It seems to me you are the protector in that story and quite likely in her eyes (she did ask you to go with him after all).

Here's to chilling out sounds like a good idea to me : D
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#426841 - 03/01/13 12:24 PM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: Lancer]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Cheers lads! Its good to have a safe place and support for this stuff. much appreciated.

Originally Posted By: Lancer
Ever talk with her about her memories of the abuse? That, to me, is a starting point. See how she responds. If positive, share a little more. If not - which really sucks because she's your sister, after all - you've an indication of how far you can go on disclosure.

Yeah, have talked to her about the physical abuse we went through, and for her it brings back memories of being beaten in the back of the car outside primary school, which definitely explains her anxiety the other day. it must have been a very strong trigger and generated lots of worry.

Disclosing my sexual abuse to her is something I don't know how to deal with. I have been told in confidence, not by her (she is unaware I know), that she also was sexually abused from outside the family. When I heard this my heart sunk, and the palpitations began. My abuse memories are patchy at best, but I know my sexual abuse was not incestuous. That doesn't stop the what if scenarios playing out in my head. I mean. Both siblings carrying the secret of sexual abuse, an abusive father... could he be responsible?... could she be responsible? I know this is just my irrational side trying to trip me up. It is unwelcome and unnecessary worry.

Originally Posted By: pittsburgh
I did not see were you were working with a T, I assume you have at some time. Perhaps you need to discuss this with them, I did and after time It helped.

Yeah I have been talking with my T about this, its slow progress but I think it is helping.

Originally Posted By: Publius
Some of it stems from memories or worrying about how others viewed me but most of all I remember experiencing extreme fear of "going insane" and hurting a child.


Worrying about how others view me has always, even before I uncovered my memories, been difficult. I can definitely relate to the "going insane" feeling.

Originally Posted By: Publius
i am hearing you say your father is a major trigger when present. I do want to say this: you are not him.

Its an unbearable thought that maybe I am capable of his behavior! I'd love to start a family (sometime) and this is something I need to remember. Thank you Publius, I needed to hear that.

Take it easy

Oz


Edited by Unknown1 (03/01/13 12:30 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top
#426872 - 03/01/13 05:10 PM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: COSC]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I don't know I have suggestions on disclosure with your sister. I guess I glommed on that because I just disclosed to my step-sister, a survivor of spousal abuse. Because of her deceased father and my abusive mother, we hadn't communicated in 25 years, but at the time she had been my advocate in dealing with their dysfunctional sh*t.

As she deals with separation from an alcoholic second husband, I feel very protective of her. Seems to me you might feel similarly protective. imo, that's good family stuff and some good, positive feelings. (Though my nephew is grown now, I also found myself excited about his accomplishments...more positive family stuff).

Dunno if any of this helps. I do think, especially with the assistance of your T, you'll work it out well.

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#426930 - 03/02/13 10:31 AM Re: Triggered by father and nephew [Re: Lancer]
COSC Offline


Registered: 08/13/12
Posts: 63
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Lancer
I don't know I have suggestions on disclosure with your sister. I guess I glommed on that because I just disclosed to my step-sister, a survivor of spousal abuse. Because of her deceased father and my abusive mother, we hadn't communicated in 25 years, but at the time she had been my advocate in dealing with their dysfunctional sh*t.

As she deals with separation from an alcoholic second husband, I feel very protective of her. Seems to me you might feel similarly protective. imo, that's good family stuff and some good, positive feelings. (Though my nephew is grown now, I also found myself excited about his accomplishments...more positive family stuff).

Dunno if any of this helps. I do think, especially with the assistance of your T, you'll work it out well.

Definitely, hearing from you and all the others is helping. It's giving me some much needed perspective on things.

It is good to hear you have taken the "plunge" and disclosed to your step-sister. That can't have been easy, esp. after 25 years. Has it helped you, getting things out in the open? For me, I am more worried about how my sister would take it rather than my disclosure. Granted, I don't know her too well as I never grew-up with her (she is much older than me and was always at boarding school while me, my mother and father hoped from country to country as his job dictated), but I get the impression it could knock her sideways... maybe it would be the call she needs to get back to her T. For now tho, the timing is not good for her, or me.

I am also glad to see how my other 2 nephew's, now at university, are doing. Thankfully my sister has broken the cycle of generations of abuse. Which I will too. I could never subject anyone to what we received.

I think in some weird way my anxiety over seeing my father and nephew interacting filled me with a need to protect him against accidentally stepping out of line (easy to do) when around my father. It actually felt like I was trying to protect the younger me, If that make any sense? like I was living the scene through my nephews eyes as my 7 year old self. A strange and rather unnerving experience.

Lol, think my father has picked up on something, he is being unusually nice towards me atm. uhmmm... strange. Just need to prepare for his other extreme, which, I am sure will shortly follow.

take it easy

Oz


Edited by Unknown1 (03/02/13 01:27 PM)
_________________________
The virtue of mental anguish... is the provision of strength and resilience each time clarity's reclaimed. For my success, I owe it all,
to that which stands in my way.

Top


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