Thanks G. I'm still digesting it 24 hours later. But just that one contact with a woman who was suspicious of the abuse (not the CSA) at the time and who has been on the receiving end of it later in life has erased much of the feeling of isolation, hurt and betrayal I've carried for decades. I've told the step-sister to share whatever she likes with whoever she likes. And what an education in a couple hours!
Interesting, too, she noted that when mommybitch married her dad, she and her brother, like me, were thinking, "wtf?" Apparently none of us knew until after the fact she was marrying the guy who turned out to be her long-suffering enabler. I've learned that the narcissist typically is all charm until she snags her prey and then gradually drops the facade within a year or two. In typical mommybitch fashion, she seemed to have arranged it on the sly, with only two witnesses in a remote Vermont town.
Step-sister and I, though it was never discussed at the time, also noticed the pain/stress in her dad's face. At the time I noticed it I thought I was probably just projecting. Apparently not so. My read of the situation was right on.
Though outrageous, I wasn't surprised to hear that my step-sister, as her dad lay dying in hospital, discovered the mommybitch was...out buying tennis shoes! Again, wtf?? After the fact, mommybitch also continued to play men such as my step-brother for favors, bitching when she couldn't have things exactly her way, naturally. It seems women, however, can read her psyche too easily.
So, the Great Secret about her nature is out among my generation. Step-sister's comment echos my thots, "What a waste." She and her brother are so damn sick of it, I get a feeling they may do as I've done - they're about 90% there already - jettison her and leave her to her own devices. I made it clear I fully support whatever decision they make in that regard. It's not like she's a blood relative or has any meaningful relationship with her step-grandchildren. And she certainly has all the material resources she needs. (Okay, I'll say it. Serves her right).
Since I'm on a roll - though I'll give it a few weeks - I think my final outreach will be to mommybitch's neice.
Loc: PDX- Portland OR
What amazing stuff.
In my own family of origin, they were the opposite. Banded together to ostracize the evil one (that's me for the uninitiate). My Dad and Mom, along with both my brothers sit in condemnation for my gay orientation along with outright denial of any responsibility for incest, violent abuse, or any drama.
As such, I feeds them with a LONG HANDLED WOODEN SPOON. Small bites, no information, no personal investment in ideas, and taciturn acceptance of my "excommunication" from their lives.
Always glad to have you in my corner G. And glad I can provide some entertainment. I certainly find it entertaining.
My intuition's not real clear on this and perhaps I'm pushing it, but put in a call (voicemail) to a cousin on mommybitch's side, jus' fer yucks. His dad and stepmom were in solid recovery for years. You and I know that's no guarantee of anything with their children (he also has two sisters), but we'll see.
What you're describing of your own situation is pretty much what mommybitch and long-suffering H#3 attempted for years. I'm sorry to hear you had the entire clan massed against you. Believe it or not, I cannot imagine the hurt and the toll - ALL of your own family? - it took on you. I'm really glad you're here G.
LOL...guess the warm, fuzzy stuff had to find an end. If nothing else, good for me and my intuition:
Man, mommybitch's side of the family is seriously fucked up. Got a call back fr a very drunk cousin on her side who's apparently "close" to or at least cordial with the mommybitch. He indicates - as though I believe a drunk? - at least one of his sisters is similarly self-absorbed and also "close" to the mommybitch. His other sister (again, according to the drunk) is the "controller" living overseas. Sounds as if I should just stay clear of that group and not attempt any further probing.
Mommybitch apparently has complained long and loud - surprise - I "broke her heart." And this group believed it. (Guess you can relate G, huh?) In short, my generation on that side of the family has continued the dysfunctional tradition.
Couldn't wait to get this guy off the phone. You may know how difficult that is with a chatty drunk once they get started. And I was able to get information from him without telling him much about myself. Good info to have for reference. Besides, he probably won't remember the call anyway!
I don't like going metaphysical, but sometimes I notice things and, if nothing else, it helps me deal. This one cousin is the only one for whom I could find contact info (a phone number) scouring the Interweb. Nothing for his sisters. And, pursuing that, I got just enough information to know the whole damn group needs to be avoided...or put away.
Speaking of karma...I learned The Dreaded Mommybitch (TDM) had cataract surgery and, pity, couldn't play tennis. This is the same woman who, knowing I had astigmatism in one eye, nevertheless forced me to play, roundly criticizing me because I usually couldn't connect with the ball. Well, after all, she was determined, even if it killed her, I'd be a tennis "star" like her.
A note: I noticed last nite, as I was digesting all this, good and not so good (can't really even call it bad), The Dreaded Mommybitch's size in my mind was considerably smaller. For lack of a better term, her psychic size was smaller.
I see her less as a monster (child's perspective), though she was for all intents and purposes. For the first time - I think in my life - I was able to see her as a small, bitter, pathetic woman. A bit like that scene in "Mars Attacks!" when Gen. Decker is hit with the shrinking ray. Great visual for me to carry (lol...could only find the French version @ 0:58):
Another surprise, hearing from yet another cousin (different aunt and uncle) via email last night. Naturally I filled her in on the Mommybitch and she was shocked because, like Joan Crawford, Mommybitch had successfully maintained a public persona to mask her abusiveness at home that led to my CSA.
Cat's out of the bag, so to speak, with the rest of the family now understanding why Dad would have found the woman intolerable and sought greener pastures.
At the end of "Mommy Dearest", Chris mentions that Crawford again has had the last word. Christina responds, "Maybe not." Having now broken the silence with most of my family, I feel similarly. To be perfectly frank, the bonus for me is that the Mommybitch is the last of that generation of family still alive, her partners in crime aren't around any longer (husband #3 and a vicious aunt) to perpetuate The Lie, she doesn't know I blew her carefully-maintained cover, and family members will now have a new, more accurate frame of reference when dealing with her bullshit. Strangely, as I endured when I was a kid, now she's the one who finds herself isolated.
I'll add that I suppose it's unavoidable, at the moment, I feel a twinge of guilt for standing up for myself and blowing the lid off the silence. As has happened previously, seems to me that will pass. I feel as if it's just a matter of the size of the step I just took. It was huge. Hell, the past five months of this have been huge.
Loc: PDX- Portland OR
"THE LIE" "BLOWING THE LID OFF THE SILENCE"
My own family is in the process of acquiring a much less substantial allotment of time, energy, and concern in my world.
EVEN if I did "break their hearts" what about the whole, "oops our fucked up family system required you to deny your identity for twenty years, submit to ongoing incest for ten years, submit to violence, humiliation, degradation, and endless abuse and at the end of it all we decided that you should just go away"
So...fuck them. ohhh I do mean it too....just fuck them.
We are in the process of entering a new phase of relationship.....one where although we have tremendous past knowledge of one another, will be characterized by an ever increasing formality and observation of etiquette while decreasing intimacy. We won't talk about what is important to me, nor what is going on in my life. I will have no obligation to answer questions nor discuss current events. I will be evasive and say from time to time, I don't want to hear about that....and you will say nothing about the rest of my life because I won't fucking discuss it with you.
Oh...and by the way, I hope you have a lovely day, Oh what's that??? Drop dead faggot??? Yes...I will do my best..bye now.
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