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#426392 - 02/25/13 07:59 AM If I feel this good, why am I worried?
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 743
Loc: Southeast USA
It's been about six months since I told another person what happened to me when I was 13 years, one month and four days old.

I carried that with me inside for over two decades. I found a T, I found MS and I even found a fellow survivor from the same perp. I'm almost ready to tell my parents what happened. I'm once again taking on my ADHD and managing that to my benefit.

Barn swallows and daffodils are showing up. A few select trees are blooming---spring's promise of new life is showing.

So, why do I feel like there's unfinished business? Tell the parents-check. Keep busy---check. It's my kids---my oldest will be turning eleven and my youngest will be seven this year. I worry about their safety.

My perp is still out there. I want to find him and see how eager he is to mess with my 6-foot tall, 175 pound fit self. Of course, I'm not planning to do that right now, but I'm not saying I won't some day---yes, I've read about the perils of doing this...

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#426393 - 02/25/13 08:11 AM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Damn, Will, that's some serious progress. (imo, you probably made a few thousand MS guys envious).

A few things occur to me right off the bat:
-You're wearin' new shoes. It'll take time to break 'em in.
-What good parent isn't concerned about his kids?
-Yeah, there's unfinished business. I like that you're saying "some day". Sounds like you're takin' time to smell the flowers.

Friggin' excellent.

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#426398 - 02/25/13 09:30 AM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Have you had that talk with your dad yet? Sounds like it's time to.

Cant


Edited by cant_remember (02/25/13 09:31 AM)
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#426409 - 02/25/13 11:04 AM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Will,

You're anxious over telling your parents - you've been talking here about doing that since October.

You're anxious because your boy is getting closer to your age of abuse, meaning you know more than ever about what his mental state and decisionmaking process would likely be in a crisis situation.

And you're pissed and want payback. Who can blame you?

Just be careful about confrontation. A long-term serial rapist might very well carry enough guns to "want to mess with" anyone who shows up in person.

There's also a sense of impatience involved... as you do make progress, as you do achieve therapeutic goals, it's only natural to think "well, why us this still here, am I getting better or not?" Viewed externally you can clearly see you are, but in the flash of an ugly thought, it can really make you wonder if the "everyday-ness" of it will ever go away.

I've been in treatment for 4 months and just recently had my first all-throughout happy, confident, optimistic day. It felt so good to FEEL GOOD - but at TGE slightest mental nudge, I'd still remember. That will probably be life, I guess, though hopefully with mire happiness and fewer nudges. And I'll have to settle for that, settle for not having it "gone".


Matt
Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#426428 - 02/25/13 01:43 PM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: SoccerStar]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 743
Loc: Southeast USA
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Will,

You're anxious over telling your parents - you've been talking here about doing that since October....

You're anxious because your boy is getting closer to your age of abuse, meaning you know more than ever about what his mental state and decisionmaking process would likely be in a crisis situation...

Just be careful about confrontation. A long-term serial rapist might very well carry enough guns to "want to mess with" anyone who shows up in person.


Matt,

All of this is true.

I need to get down to business and tell my parents. We are all going to the beach in June, so I want to do it before then.

I need to make sure my son is well-prepared to make good decisions--even life-preserving ones if needed. For his age he can be pretty cynical about things. He's also very smart. My wife and I hope he can temper that with some optimism---and that he will be well-served by his suspicious nature without being scared of his shadow.

No, I doubt I'll ever pay a visit to the perp. I'd be (mostly) satisfied to learn of his arrest, conviction, and sentencing. I'd drive to the courthouse and watch that. Someone I played baseball against in the 10-12 age range was molested by his coach. He confronted him years later and both of them were arrested after they got into a scuffle. I heard about it for the first time a couple of weeks ago---but there were rumors about the coach even back then. There were always rumors...

Part of me wants to see a 48 Hours special on Summer Camp Gone Wrong----an exposť of the hidden shame of the 80s. Then again I don't want a national audience to become privy to what happened.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#426429 - 02/25/13 01:50 PM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 743
Loc: Southeast USA
Lancer,

Thank you. I feel like I have climbed a mountain, but now have to contend with other elements like the wind, the cold, the fog...knowing the sun still shines through at times. I don't want anyone to be jealous...this journey isn't over yet---and all journeys are different...

I'm treading carefully to see how wide this summit is. Is it a plateau or a knife-edge ridge?
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#426442 - 02/25/13 03:43 PM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
JoziSA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/05/12
Posts: 144
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Will

It is an amazing feeling. I feel your joy, happiness and your amanicipation. I salute you for what you have achieved. I love your analogy of climbing a mountain. Last year I climbed Kilimanjaro, the worlds tallest stand alone mountain and Africa's highest point. It was part of my healing but I also climed it for all male survivors. www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

I hope you continue to reach the summit of all your goals.
_________________________
Rees (JoziSA)
My Story and Blog www.kilimalesurvivor.wordpress.com

South African MALE SURVIVORS of Sexual Abuse
www.samsosa.org
If your mind can perceive it and your heart can believe it, YOU can achieve it.

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#426491 - 02/25/13 09:49 PM Re: If I feel this good, why am I worried? [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Will

Awesome to hear you are in such a good place right now. (I can hear the soundtrack).

Climbing the mountain - great analogy smile

As for the kids - mine are the exact same age - and from my experience your need to protect them will only get stronger as they approach the ages of your abuse. It is a constant balancing act between freedom amd protection. A balancing act all us fathers deal with I'm sure.

You are a switched on guy and I have every faith in you that you will be able to protect them and let them enjoy the freedom to grow into teens and adults they were meant to be.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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