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#416441 - 11/16/12 03:54 PM 10 Things I hate about Me ++++TRIGGER WARNING++++
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
This is just me venting - please don't bother reading.....

1. I hate that I feel the need to vent like this
2. I Hate that I'm bring MS down with my sh*t
3. I hate that I was an expect at giving head at 4 or 6 years old
4. I hate that I don't know exactly how old I was whenit started
5. I hate that my brothers used me as a sex toy
6. I hate that all my teddy bears had vaginas or arseholes and I was taught to f*ck them
7. I hate that my middle brother and his friend thought it was ok to 'include' me in their sex games
8. I hate that they tried to have anal sex with me
9. I hate that they couldn't get their d*cks in
10. I hate that I was sad when they couldn't
11. I hate that it was normal
12. I hate that my parents said it was just boys being boys
13. I hate that I believed them
14. I hate that I'm getting aroused typing this
15. I hate myself
16. I hate that at 10 my best friend wanted to play doctor and that he liked what he found when he pulled down my pants
17. I hate what that turned into for years after that
18. I hate that it feels like my fault even though he was older
19. I hate that I liked it
20. I hate that when I told my brother what my friend was doing he said it was ok and I should keep doing it with him
21. I hate that I wasn't beaten
22. I hate that I wanted to be beaten
23. I hate that I don't hate my brothers
24. I hate that I don't blame them
25. I hate that I blame myself...sometimes
26. I hate that I like being the victim
27. I hate that I want to tell everyone what happened to me so they will feel sorry for me
28. I hate that I hate that I can't get an erection when I want to
29. I hate that I get them when I'm sleeping
30. I HATE that I get them when wrestling my 6 yer old son
31. I hate that I feel like a phedophile
32. I hate that I was sad when they stopped abusing me
33. I hate that I went out looking for other men to abuse me
34. I hate that I found them
35. I hate that I liked it
36. I hate that men found/find me attractive
37. I hate that even though I purposely put on weight and 'let myself go' they still find me attractive
38. I hate that I wish I had a 6 pack again
39. I hate that my own reflection turns me on
40. I hate that men turn me on
41. I hate that I'm not a better Christian
42. I hate that I'm still trying to stop acting out in my own strength
43. I hate that it feels like God let it happen
44. I hate that porn makes it all feel better...for a while
45. I hate that sometimes I MB 4 tiems a day
46. I hate that I have no self control
47. I hate that I believe in God
48. I hate that I know he loves me
49. I hate that I feel like I've let him down
50. I hate that I'm thinking this stuff
51. I hate that people rely on my
52. I hate that I have fooled people into thinking I'm a nice guy
53. I hate that I can't drop my bundle
54. I hate getting up at 5am every morning
55. I hate not getting any days off (hardly any)
56. I hate that I hate myself so much
57. I hate that I want to cut myself sometimes
58. I hate that I want to do worse sometimes
59. I hate that I have people who love me
60. I hate that I'm not more grateful for the people that love me
61. I hate that I feel stupid
62. I hate that I feel people just tolerate me
63. I hate that I'm not one of the guys
64. I hate that I suck at sports
65. I hate that noone ever played ball with me
66. I hate that I haven't played ball with my kids very much
67. I hate that it feels like my wife doesn't desire me
68. I hate that I don't always make her feel desired
69. I hate that our sex life isn't great
70. I hate that I've let her down
71. I hate that I'm a broken man
72. I hate that I've been unfaithful
73. I hate that I didn't realise that until it was too late
74. I hate that it felt like it was ok because it is just what boys do
75. I hate that I have to tell her
76. I hate that it will break her heart
77. I hate that I'm trying to make it to 100
78. I hate that she will probably hate me too
79. I hate that I love her so much
80. I hate that I've hurt her
81. I hate that I'm crying now
82. I hate that I'm suck a whimp
83. I hate that I hate my reflection
84. I hate what I look like
85. I hate that I look like them
86. I hate that I'm getting older
87. I hate that I've wasted my life with this sh*t
88. I hate that my abuse wasn't worse - so I would feel more justified being so screwed up
89. I hate that I feel I deserved to be punished
90. I hate that I went through puberty early
91. I hate that the doctor liked to look at it and touch it
92. I hate that she got my mother to come and look too
93. I hate that my dad didn't like me
94. I hate that my mum used me as an emotional crutch
95. I hate that they wanted a girl
96. I hate that they treated me like a girl
97. I hate that my name can be either a boy or a girl name
98. I hate that I still feel like a little kid on the inside
99. I hate that I don't know who I am
100. I hate that I change who I am depending on who I'm around
101. I hate that I went past 100
102. I hate that I even change the way I think
103. I hate that I am so confused
104. I hate that I I'm so weak willed
105. I hate that I'm a real cameleon - the way I look the way I talk
106. I hate that I care what other people think of me
107. I hate that I don't care enough what my wife thinks of me
108. I hate That I don't care what God thinks of me
109. I hate that I'm so angry
110. I hate that I'm so tired
111. I hate that I can't sleep
112. I hate that you wasted your time reading this
113. I hate that I am still going to press Submit
114. I hate that I need medication to function
115. I hate that I forgot what I was about to type

Sorry!


Edited by Farmer Boy (11/16/12 05:21 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416442 - 11/16/12 04:25 PM Re: 10 Things I hate about Me - don't bother reading ! [Re: Farmer Boy]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
116. I hate that far too many people know what its like to know 1-115.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#416444 - 11/16/12 04:42 PM Re: 10 Things I hate about Me - don't bother reading ! [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Lee,

I'm in for the full count. Its all so painful and true. And there's no way out but through it.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#416447 - 11/16/12 05:28 PM Re: 10 Things I hate about Me - don't bother reading ! [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks guys...but wait there is more....

117. I hate that it took me a couple of hours to remember what I forgot
118. I hate that I didn't get that eyebrow ring when I was younger
119. I hate that I didn't get those tattoos - so people would know to stay away from me
120. I hate that deep down I knew what they did to me was wrong - but I still liked the attention
121. I hate that I kidded myself into thinking that it was ok to 'play' with men while I was married. It is what boys do...
122. I hate that I didn't delete all this
123. i hate that I have let down you guys at MS by bringing this sh*t here.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416448 - 11/16/12 05:45 PM Re: 10 Things I hate about Me - don't bother reading ! [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
124. I hate that when i kiss my wife sometimes I get the sensation of a c*ck in my mouth
125. I hate that I learned to stick my willy in anything it would fit in or if not make a hole for it to fit in
126. I hate that that included animals
127. I hate that I learned to stick anything up my arse that would fit.....
128. I hate that I just said how perverted I had become.
129. I hate that I looked like my avatar when the abuse started (but with blonde hair) - so innocent
130. I hate that it freaks me out when my wife touches me there
131. I hate that it freaks me out if a man touches anywhere (if I'm not ready)

I'm sorry you had to read that.


Edited by Farmer Boy (11/16/12 05:46 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416450 - 11/16/12 06:05 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:02 PM)

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#416451 - 11/16/12 06:06 PM Re: 10 Things I LIKE about YOU [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Gary

11 I like that you made me tear up!!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416462 - 11/16/12 11:18 PM Re: 10 Things I LIKE about YOU [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Sorry but I feel like I need to finish the list.
132. I hate that I am addicted to gay porn
133. I hate that there are pornographic images of me on the net
134. I hate that someone I know may have seen them
135. I hate that I still let my brother put me down and make me feel inferior (even though I am now taller, better looking, better built, more successful, happier and have a bigger one)
136. I hate that even if I did decide I was gay I feel like I'm too old to be gay now
137. I hate that I feel like this and have to pretend that everything is ok.
138. I hate that I feel like my friends wouldn't like me anymore if they knew what I was really like
139. I hate that I've seen so many penises
140. I hate that I wasn't clever enough to write this in iambic pentameter and post it in the poetry section.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416464 - 11/17/12 12:20 AM Re: 10 Things I LIKE about YOU [Re: Farmer Boy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
141. I hate when seeing so powerful negative self image built in you thanks to abuse Lee - it is similar for all of us survivors frown


Hang on man, keep venting!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#416467 - 11/17/12 12:36 AM Re: 10 Things I LIKE about YOU [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
142. I hate that I was addicted to pain killers at 14
143. I hate that I faked Appendicitis at 10 to get attention
144. I hate that I've had dreams about my kids giving me head (more like nightmares)
145. I hate that I don't know how to love without it being sexual


the end


I promise!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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